Christmas

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Purpose

The warmer weather should get me refreshed and eager to move. I didn’t do any real traveling yesterday, but I did step out for a bit. I can use Kasey as an excuse while he’s here! All the snow mounds are melting, and the grass is showing again. Yet, everything is soggy and squishy. So you must stay on the wet pavement. I think after a few days, it will all dry out and maybe we’ll even see some buds coming through. (That may be wishful thinking on my part, though!)

I really have no place to go, other than the phone store to get a new one. Most of my shopping is done online now, and I find it difficult to get in and out of the car all the time. For any longer walks, I need the wheelchair, and I soon get tired of the ‘looks’ and the uncomfortable sliding I do in it. But, just to get out again, I’m willing to put up with it. That’s just it – I seem to have no purpose anymore – no aims or goals. At least when my mom was alive, we’d visit her every day, and I had a reason to go out. Now, I just can’t conjure up reasons.

Even after all the baking I did, I want to do more. I may make some apple bread today. That will give me something to do, and I can feel accomplished when it’s finished. But other than cooking and baking, I really have nothing truly worthwhile to do. Is that what retired people go through? Do they miss their work and feel as if they’re not accomplishing anything? I know there are fun things to do – visiting friends, seeing sights, day trips – but is that an accomplishment? Perhaps I was too driven while I was working, and now I can’t really get enthused about anything?

Don’t mind me; I think I just miss that lost hour of sleep!  I’m always negatively affected by the change in time, and it takes me several days to feel normal again. This afternoon, I’ll go outside for a while, again, and that will make me feel better. Then I’ll start a ‘to do’ list of things I know I can handle. Once I start checking things off, I should gain a sense of accomplishment. It’s a pity, though, that I have to invent things to give me a purpose.

The sun hasn’t shown itself yet, today. I need that cheeriness, also, to feel good about myself. Aren’t I just the neediest thing? Oh well, I’ll get the drearies out of my system and start to move on.

Peace,

Muff

10 comments:

  1. Oh Muff you are NOT alone! I was going through that before my hubby passed last Nov and it's gotten worse. I am trying to motivate me to do something. Now that I have a ramp but don't drive and alone I find I am afraid. I started to make lists of things to do mostly chores, ugh. I feel I have no purpose only to doddle around till it's time to go to bed.

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    1. I'm sorry you're in the dumps, too, but I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

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  2. Can you imagine what it was like for an MSer to shop before the internet? I was then much better than I am now and could still get around but with my condition now having deteriorated I am so thankful I have the internet. Practically the only place I shop at anymore is the grocery store. It's also been liberating in that one can still communicate with and make new friends. As for retirement, I had to do it at 37 so I'm an old hand at it. Basically, I have had to reinvent myself, which writing has facilitated. There has also been a lot of personal growth. But, I won't deny that at first it was challenging. It still is sometimes when I compare myself against my able-bodied peers who are still in nonretirement mode. So I not infrequently have to go into self talk "therapy" to deal with my issues of loss and longing.

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    1. Actually, before the internet, there were catalogs and shopping by mail. I started to get into that, but I was bombarded with catalogs, so I went back to real shopping.
      I know you retired very early, but you did find a new you -- the literary one, who writes so beautifully!

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  3. Hi Muff - wow, you are in my very essence - I just wrote of "purpose and place" and clearly mine has changed as has yours. Hard surrender to embrace. Most days I try to focus on where I do have "purpose and place" and yet honor the grief of
    where it once was. Sigh.....
    Love Gail
    peace.....

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    1. I guess we all go through that feeling from time to time. I'm feeling much better today, and I think that once I get back to doing things, I'll be all right.

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  4. Gee, Muffy, if you are feeling non-productive, where does that leave the rest of us slugs? I have a hard time adjusting to the time changes and you wouldn't think a retired person should mind all that much.

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    1. I wasn't so much talking about doing things, but having goals and objectives as I once did. I think the long winter and the time change affected my mood.

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  5. awwww muff, you have more purpose now than ever!! you are doing small things in a great way, really, you are.

    fill your life and days with the things you can do, baking, cooking, taking care of the grands....you have a full plate and are doing great things. perhaps there is a craft you could learn, there are so many, that would be doable with whatever limitations you have with your hands. my right hand in numb and i am able to knit. sometimes we are able to do something, that we thought we couldn't. do some research on line, maybe it will spark an idea.

    when i feel "it" coming on, i blast my music and find something, anything to do. i often clean but you know what, it helps and i feel better about myself. i was in a chair for 6 months and my house was never cleaner. focus muff, your extraordinary and you need to see that. your family loves and needs you, not for what you do, but for what you give them, love and joy!!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Deb, for the "pick-me-up" talk. It helped -- a lot. I did enjoy crafting, but I still try to find little things to do that I can still handle. Knitting, crocheting, and any other needlework are out because there's really no movement in the right hand. Don't get me started about cleaning -- I still like to do it, even with the disability!
      Thanks, again, for your kind words -- I really appreciate it!!

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