Christmas

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

What I Miss

Since I was diagnosed with MS in ’04, and probably “had it” for almost a decade earlier, I have to stop, sometimes, to think about what I miss. At first, not too many things were that different. Yet, as time moved on, the meaning of “incurable, chronic, and progressive” really took hold.

I don’t like always looking back – it serves no purpose, but I do, at times, think about the things I miss. Keep in mind that I was a Type A -- always going, creating, and living life to the fullest. I had my goals, I made my lists, and I basked in the glory of accomplishment. I was flying high. So, maybe like Icarus, I needed my wings clipped. Maybe it was time to learn a little humility. Maybe the time had arrived for me to see life through clearer lenses. But, even though I’m resigned (I absolutely refuse to say “accept”,) to this different existence, there are times when I miss the way things used to be.

First of all, I miss my energy. Who’s to say it wouldn’t have ended anyway, with age. Yet, I wouldn’t mind having a small portion of it back. It would be nice not to be exhausted after just taking a shower and dressing. I’d love it if I could not be fatigued from every minor chore. I’d prefer it if I could get through the day without a nap. It would also be great if the weariness didn’t affect every other thing. Yes, I miss that energy.

Then, I miss my normal walking. Wouldn’t it be great if I could move my leg[s] the way I used to do? I’d like to heave the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs into a giant pit and get by without any of them. I want to see my regular walls – not the ones marred by my constant wall walking. And the stairs! If I could do them even at half the speed I once could, I’d be so thrilled!

My hands are something I really miss. I think (but do not dwell) about the many things my right hand accomplished. I’d even be willing to trade and have my left hand be the lazy one! At least I could still write, draw, paint, knit, stitch, and even eat properly. I’d be able to create once again, and I’d learn to be more appreciative of my talents. I really believe that I still possess those talents, but I just can’t give them expression.

Of course, I also miss having my old “teacher bladder,” where visits to the loo were so infrequent. Now, I’ve spent so much time in the powder room during the day, I feel as if it’s my home! Oh, to be able to go five or six hours not worrying how long I can “make it!” That would be wonderful.

So, yes, I do miss a great many things as I decline with this wretched disease. I refuse to get depressed about it, though. By visiting the past on rare occasions, and acknowledging that things were once much better, I get it out of my system, and I try to move forward while anchoring myself to the present. At least, that’s what I tell myself!

Peace,
Muff


12 comments:

  1. Oh, I am SO WITH YOU on things no longer with me.

    I have a new mantra: It's an amazing life.

    And if I start to hang too hard onto the past, I have to add, "Always has been." And then I just look around, doesn't matter where I am, but I then see something... amazing. Always works that way... isn't life amazing?

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    1. As you said, we can always find something new and good when we look. When I commit myself to the present, I'm amazed that I still find wonder!

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  2. I think my comment this time will simply be, Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

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  3. i sometimes wonder what it would be like, to feel everything!! i have been sick so long and i always thought that everyone felt these things. i didn't know when you got to the top of a flight of stairs that you were suppose to be able to feel your legs.

    most of my MS symptoms came after my children, that was the new normal for me. just "this is what your body does, after you have kids"!!! i never said a word to anyone, why would i, i thought it was my new normal!!! the few times i mentioned things i was told it was post partum depression. it's a crazy ride....but if this is what we get, i'll take it and love it!!!!!

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    1. I was so fortunate that I was "normal" while my children were young. This wacky disease only came on the scene later.

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  4. and thank god for drugs!!!!!!

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    1. Well, I'm not taking any disease modifying meds currently, so I can only rely on your say-so that they're good.

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  5. HI MUFF - I too miss so much that was me, my life, how I lived . I miss spontaneity as well as planning. I miss dancing, a lot. I miss what I know I haven't even done yet knowing I never will. I have been i funb since the fall - thanks for being here, being you.
    Love Gail
    peace....

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    1. Ah, yes, I forgot to mention spontaneity! Get well after that nasty fall!

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  6. I too try not to look back very often. But some days...I can't help but do so. I think the thing I miss the most is my sense of dignity. MS has robbed me of that.

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    1. Yes, still another item I forgot -- Dignity.

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