Kaleidoscope Muff

Multitasking

2012-01-28T10:53:00.003-05:00

That used to be a major part of me – I could multitask with the best. In my hindsight eye, I watch myself at work as I tucked a phone under my chin, worked on the computer, slid my chair to a file cabinet, got up to open a door, and I never missed a beat! Even at home, I could talk, cook, watch TV, all at the same time and everything came out fine. Well, I still have that mindset, and I continue to attempt this feat, but I’m not as successful as I once was. I used to tell people to keep talking, that I really was paying attention when I was doing two or more things at once. Well, now it seems that just isn’t happening.

I can still work on a crossword puzzle and hear/watch TV, but I find I can no longer read a book and watch. (Yes, I really did that!!) The other day I had the little guy, and I sat him in his chair as I tried to follow a recipe. He was chirping, my husband was talking on the phone in the next room, the TV was on behind me, and I became totally discombobulated. I had to wait until the phone call was over, have my husband entertain the little guy and turn down the TV volume, and then I could read and execute the recipe. More and more I’m seeing this. When several conversations are going on around me, I feel my head swirl and I can’t concentrate. I can listen to music while I type on the computer, but I can no longer listen to someone talking to me. It’s funny – Judy from Peace Be With You just commented that our mistakes could be more than MS – they might be from aging! Nooooooooo!! However, the thought did cross my mind. I’m trying now to do one thing at a time and do it well before I start something else. It’s a slow process to break away from former patterns, and I often forget. The simple fact that I no longer move as well as before may be enough to quiet my actions. But I do miss my days of doing many things in the same timeframe.

I’m not sure that multitasking is the healthiest option for anyone. We all need to slow down sometimes, take a few deep breaths, and just enjoy life and the world around us. That’s my way of rationalizing, and I’m sticking to it.
Peace,
Muff

Silly Mistakes

2012-01-27T11:17:00.003-05:00

When I was AWOL due to all my computer issues, I think I also lost a great deal of brain power. Very often I found myself making stupid mistakes in judgment, and afterward, I felt as if my brain shut down for a short period. It could be an MS cognition problem, but I think that my brain became bored without its usual exercise, and just got lazy.

In June, I had agreed to work with a group of people who were publishing an online newsletter. I had resigned my chair position in another area, so I had the time. Well, I never realized how tiring and demanding it would be. I left one ‘job’ and right away moved into another. The chair of the new group asked me to call upon my background and do the editing of the newsletter. I should have given that more thought, though. What I was facing were writers with no background in writing (and in some cases few little grammar skills.) Since I was asked to edit, I red penciled a lot! The writers got snippy, and I asked the chair if he wanted me to walk on eggshells or help to produce a polished piece. Fortunately, in this case, the computer crashed, and I had to back out of the position. I recently told the chair that I preferred not to start up again. What was I thinking when I agreed to do it in the first place?

Next came my Fourth of July faux pas… I insisted to my husband that I could make it with just the walker to our friends’ party that day. Wrong! I wore myself out in a very short time, and ended up having to just sit in one place. That place happened to be the noisiest area, and my brain was zapping all over the place. That place was also the farthest from the loo, and there were a few close calls! What was I thinking by only having my walker?

Fast forward to October (even though August and September had a few brain shut downs as well!) I had to attend a wake and funeral, and it was a horribly rainy day. When we arrived at the funeral home, the line was long, and I asked my husband just to go directly to the church for the Mass. When we arrived, the priest asked my husband to help, and that left me alone. I had already stowed the walker, but I knew I could hold onto the pews at communion. Unfortunately, I didn’t figure on the few steps I needed to take when the line of pews ended. Seeing my predicament, a friend helped me. Then another had to assist me getting back to my pew. My face was scarlet from embarrassment. Afterwards, everyone said I should have just asked for help in the very beginning. What was I thinking?

So these were a just a small sampling of the brain paralysis I experienced. Now that my computer use is back, I really haven’t noticed those lapses anymore. Think there’s a connection?

Peace,
Muff

Those Days Are Gone!

2012-01-25T11:30:00.003-05:00

With all the awful news about that cruise liner tragedy, I began to reminisce about my traveling days. Those aboard a ship were fine until my walking became erratic. The last trip was in the summer when I finally stepped beyond my denial and accepted that something was wrong. I had started my year of doctors, tests, and frustration. I informed the first doctor that I had a trip planned, and he encouraged me to go. I could see early on that my sea legs were gone. At one time, I had been able to scamper all over seagoing vessels – I felt the rhythm of the ship and adapted quickly. On that final voyage, the rhythm was gone, and I needed to take hold of railings or chairs or walls to make myself walk steady and not look like I had been spending all day in the bar. That was in ’03, and by today, I wouldn’t even attempt it. I know that other bloggers and visitors have been on cruises, both in wheelchairs and out, and I commend them. However, for me, I know I wouldn’t do it. I’m unwieldy in a manual chair, and I only have a scooter, which isn’t good in small spaces. Then there’s the fear factor. What would happen if I were on a ship that had a misfortune such as the Costa Concordia? I’d have been either trampled or abandoned. I k now – others would try to help me, but I couldn’t put someone else at risk. I’d just feel safer on solid ground.

The other dilemma is air travel. My last flight was four years ago, and I remember that trip well. It was a business trip, and I thought I was well prepared – I even took my husband along as a precaution. First, we learned that you need to call ahead to reserve a wheelchair. Fortunately, they took pity on me, and let us use one. Next was the security issue – much less than now. I had my brace by then, and although it’s mostly hard plastic, there’s still a metal catch on it. I had to exit the line, as those around me stared. A nice woman helped me into a separate room to remove the shoe and brace. She swung her magic wand over it and me, and she assured us that all was well. I then had to explain my DMD with my doctor’s note. It was only a two-hour flight, but I needed to use the rest room. That was a very unsteady walk. The hotel stay was just as difficult, and at the end of a few days, I was exhausted.

Now, I just plan to stay at home or go places accessible by car. Each time I feel a sense of wanderlust, I remind myself of the consequences. My bucket list included travel to some of the world I’d yet to see, but I’ll have to be content as a voyeur. I’ll visit those places vicariously through others because my traveling days are definitely over!

Peace,
Muff

Another Favorite

2012-01-24T11:45:00.002-05:00

[Just a small footnote… I and some other family visitors are beginning a letter of commendation campaign, after we learned yesterday that a formal reprimand was put in Ally’s file, blaming her for the upheaval. We’re all seething now. AAARRRGHHH!!!]

I found another author that I really like. I briefly mentioned her before, but I found several more of her works. Jacquelyn Mitchard had been a columnist for a major Milwaukee newspaper before she turned to novels. Despite the fact that she’s the mother of !seven!, she takes time to write some excellent fiction. Her first novel, The Deep End of the Ocean captivated me, and I wanted more. She even wrote a book in which one of the main characters has MS! The Breakdown Lane. I’m skipping around, but my library obtains for me anything written by her.

Now she’s also writing young adult literature. Having been a Junior High English teacher, my ears perk up when I hear about new authors. If I were still teaching, we’d be doing a marathon of her works. She lives in WI, not that far from my sister, who has heard Ms Mitchard speak.

I’m now halfway through Second Nature, and I’m finding it fascinating. If you enjoy good (and different) fiction, check her out. Let me know what you think.

Peace,
Muff

Always Caught ... Part 2

2012-01-23T11:07:00.002-05:00

I hope I haven’t built this up too much! I just don’t like writing really long posts… Anyway back at the ranch, uhh nursing home.
The activity director, “Adele,” cannot adequately be described without the use of language I’d be embarrassed to say! She’s in charge of planning daily activities for all three sections of the facility. I know – not an easy task, BUT THAT’S HER JOB!! She seems to do all right with the independent and assisted living groups, but the healthcare unit is sadly lacking. She doesn’t seem to understand that these people need stimulation and easy activities. Some of the crafts cannot be done by the majority, some topics listed are merely computer printouts being read to sleeping patients, and some of her staff are so lacking in skills!

When we were first there, four years ago now, the activity person, “Lily,” was a gem! She knew how to deal with the people, and if a project was listed that seemed too difficult, she had the ability to adapt it for the residents. The people loved her and she was kind and gentle with them in return. As the admiration for her increased, the director’s animosity toward her did likewise. No matter what Lily did, Adele found fault with it, and she eventually fired Lily on a trumped up charge. Then there were a series of know-nothing, do-nothing activity people, who usually quit in a short time. Whenever a really good person came along, and the residents and families liked her, you can be sure Adele would find away to fire her. I know, the pay isn’t great, but some people just have a knack for this kind of work.

I must add, also, that Adele rarely visits the healthcare section, unless it’s to show off. She’s a total phony, doesn’t know the residents’ names, and acts as if she’s the Queen of New Jersey! Once a really good worker, Chelsea, told us they were having a bake sale to raise some funds for new activity material. I offered to bake some things to help out, but then the date was changed without notice, and none of my baking was needed. Chelsea apologized profusely, and told me Adele did it to spite me! I never offered again. I also tried to offer a suggestion once, and was told Adele didn’t like the idea. So, I pretty much stayed away from activities and just took my mom if there was a singer or other music.

Then they hired the worst of the bunch – Grace – last year. She can’t remember people’s names, has no crafting ability, can hardly read, and struts around like a little general. I basically just stayed away from her. Then last fall, I learned that she wasn’t giving my mother any ice cream at the little socials. I asked her why, and she said my mother’s diet didn’t allow it. So, I checked with her doctor, who assured me there was no such restriction. (This seems so small, but ice cream is one of Mother’s favorites, and she enjoys those little treats.) I told Grace to be sure my mom got her little sundaes.

A few months ago, another fantastic worker was hired, and everyone fell in love with her. “Ally” intuits the needs of the residents and treats them as family. She goes out of her way for these people, and she’s a true angel. Of course that means that Adele treats her like cr*%! I’ve seen her berate Ally in public, and the poor girl is at the mercy of Grace. Last week, Ally was getting ready to give my mother her ice cream, when Grace said she couldn’t have any – again! Ally apologized, but said she had to follow Grace’s directives. I went back to the doctor to see if anything had changed, and she decided to take thing into her own hands. Well that must have set off a few explosions, because I heard from Chelsea that all Hades was breaking out, and I’m being painted as the cause! Grace is blaming Ally for every little mistake, Grace is playing up to me, and even Adele came over to butter me up. All I wanted was ice cream for my mother.

Fortunately, I have our yearly care conference next month, and I plan to make this one of our discussion topics. Sorry…I just needed to vent!

Peace,
Muff

Always Caught in the Middle

2012-01-21T10:34:00.002-05:00

This may be a two-parter – we’ll see.
Once again, there’s a storm brewing at my mother’s nursing facility – ok maybe a tropical depression? A few showers? Whatever, it has me on edge. Just some background notes about the pecking order at the place. It’s a very large institution, and it’s considered to be the best in our area. There’s the main building, which once housed a very beautiful restaurant/hotel. The original owner had a gondola sent from Venice and it sat in the stream next to the hotel. The boat is gone, but the stream remains, carrying swans around its twisting path. That building contains the independent-living apartments, which are beautiful and quite expensive. The dining room is the former restaurant, and it’s absolutely grand.

Attached to that building is the Assisted Living section – a newer facility, but with charming details. There are several different apartment plans available. Then comes the healthcare unit, where my mother lives. It’s somewhat like a hospital, with just a room and bath for the residents who require skilled nursing care 24/7. There’s a large, newly renovated activity room with windows along one whole wall. At the opposite end is a new dining room with all new equipment. In the center sits the Florida Room, a lovely sitting area which leads on one side to the gardens, and on the other to the patio. Most of the residents in this area have no idea where they are, but it’s beautiful anyway.

Next, one must understand the hierarchy of such facilities. The grand poobahs, or executives, are rarely seen, except when the state inspectors are there. Then there’s a sudden burst of showmanship to impress these officials. To be honest, I don’t even know who these people are! The ones with whom I have contact also have a certain pecking order. The doctor in charge of my mother’s unit is a wonderful, caring woman, who readily answers any questions I have. The nurses, too, are all kind and considerate, and they treat the residents in a gentle, loving manner. Then the CNAs, or nurses’ aides, are abundant. The large majority is thoughtful and compassionate, but the others act in a rough, uncaring, and slipshod manner. Those few I try to avoid, and if they are assigned to my mother, I keep a close watch. The PT/OT staff always smile and greet you.

Then you have the companions, a group hired by the families to stay with their loved ones and keep them company. The hospice workers aren’t as evident, but are still there. The maintenance guys are always around as are the cleaning people, and they’ll laugh and joke with you. Sometimes, the kitchen workers make an appearance, and the social workers and admission staff are there all the time. That brings us to the Activity staff, about whom this storm is brewing.

To be continued….

Dilly-Dallying

2012-01-20T11:38:00.002-05:00

When I was young both my mother and aunt constantly accused me of dilly-dallying. It meant I couldn’t get myself moving, and I wasted time. I never had the symptoms of ADD, but I know I used to dawdle at times, my mind in the clouds. When I ‘grew up,’ I found I could still lag behind at times, but mostly I got myself organized. I always had some plan or theme working, and I got things finished on time or early. That quality almost became an obsession. I could multitask and still accomplish all my goals. Now… not so much.

I still have the mindset of one who achieves, but I often find myself not in the mood, or low on energy to complete tasks in a timely manner. Case in point: it’s almost noon, I’ve been up for hours, I’ve had ample opportunity to write a post, and I’m just doing it now! Did something happen to deter me? No. Was my idea bank empty? No. Was I physically unable to type? No. I just find myself wandering (figuratively) anymore, and what little chores or activities I have, I seem to put off.

This year, it took me a long time to un-decorate from the Christmas season – it’s been finished for a while, but it was a week later than usual. I need to go to a particular store to purchase a few items, and I told my husband (BTW – he’s Tom, and he doesn’t like the “Hubby” moniker!) I needed to go. He’s ready every day, yet I keep putting it off for no reason. Yesterday, I spent an hour fixing my winter front-door wreath (a few things had come off in storage, and needed to be hot glued again.) After that, I didn’t feel like doing anything else. The little guy came to visit, so I used that as an excuse – but it was a poor one. I’ve now made a new ‘to-do’ list and I will accomplish those tasks – clean my workspace here in the den, reorganize my desk, throw away or stash all items, print and file some documents, and upload my photos. Not anything too difficult or tiring. I’ll post that list on my board, and it will be done!

Maybe tomorrow…

Peace,
Muff

I Am NOT A No-Brainer!

2012-01-18T11:43:00.002-05:00

Do you ever experience this? Once people see me as a disabled person (and I can’t hide it anymore) they tend to see me also as an idiot! You know – talking slowly and loudly, using childish language, and smiling sweetly. Why is that? It amazes me that if I’m speaking to someone on the phone or via a letter, I come across as an intelligent person, but put me face to face with them, and their attitude changes. My words remained the same, but the addition of seeing me made them change their perception.

Here’s an example: a teacher who used to work for me is applying for a position, and she let me know that I may be asked for a reference. I did, in fact, receive a phone call this morning, and that principal and I spoke as if we had a common bond. It wasn’t an extremely long conversation, but it was a professional meeting of the minds. I really feel confident that my friend will get the position. Now, let’s imagine that instead of that phone call, we had met in person. I can guarantee you, that same person would be looking at my dorky walk, trying hard not to stare at my wonky hand, and would quickly dumb down the conversation. I see it all the time. Honest, it’s not my imagination running wild!

If my husband and I are in a store, he can wheel me up to a counter, where I’m able to stand. Once this happens, though, the clerk will begin directing the questions to my husband rather than me. Even if I answer, her eyes will go to him. When we’re at my mother’s healthcare facility, the doctor or nurse may begin to do the condescending, but once I pile on the fifty-cent words, and use my “teacher/principal face,” they stop. When people first meet me, they tend to do an invisible head patting, until I almost have to force my intelligence down their throat.

I suppose I shouldn’t let it get to me, but I want to wear a sign saying “It’s my brain, not my mind!” I hate that this may be the way most disabled people are seen. Look at Stephen Hawkings, or Michael J. Fox, or Stevie Wonder – all accomplished people with a handicap. Why does this situation even exist?

Peace,
Muff

New Symptoms?

2012-01-17T11:11:00.002-05:00

I prefer to mingle my regular life with my MS life on this blog. Yes, I do see them as different entities – a Janus being. On the one hand, I try to keep things ‘normal,’ as they were pre-MS. I fall back on the same traditions, the same procedures, despite the fact that all things required adjustments. If you burrow down in this rapidly declining shell, it’s still the same me in there. That’s what I call my regular life, and I can write about family, decorating, cooking, or any other banal subject. It’s almost as if I believe that by discussing ‘normal’ topics, I’m still living a ‘normal’ life.

On the other hand, I need to be honest and delve into the darker side of my existence – the black hole of MS. On a rational level, I know I’m no longer ‘normal,’ but I hate to constantly discuss all my ailments. Talking/writing about it makes it too real and I’m always looking for an escape. I also find that I make assessments in shorter time increments, thus making the changes too subtle to accept. I’ve probably had MS since the mid 90s, but I wasn’t diagnosed until July of ’04. I knew there was something going on, but I chose to ignore it until the symptoms became too much. So in ’03-’04, during my quest to find answers, I thought I was in terrible shape. Now, in less than a decade, I see that time in the past as pretty good.

I could walk without assistance, albeit with a limp. I could do steps several times a day. I did PT two or three times a week, and it seemed like gym sessions. I wrote longhand with no problem other than fatigue. I drew, painted, did needlework all the time. I danced, I ran, I drove a car, I worked long hours. I cooked and kept house. I could shower and dress with ease, and have my whole morning routine finished in less than a half hour. Now, if I compared that with the following year, there may have been some small changes, but nothing drastic. However, if I compare that time with the present – wow, what a difference. At this point, I see myself as a very disabled person, and if I see it, then so do others. I use a walker now even in the house, I only do steps once a day, my right hand is little more than a club hanging at my side. I can no longer drive (my decision,) I do very little housework, it takes me an hour to get ready every morning, and I’m usually exhausted from the smallest exertion. When making a comparison that way, I see how much I’ve really changed.

I stopped all meds last year – Copaxone just did nothing to help me. The neurologist kept insisting that it would slow progression, but I’ve seen no change in either direction. I do see new symptoms that I often want to downplay or chalk up to something else, but I know it’s MS rearing its ugly head again. I have swelling which could be due to my inactivity, and I get a stitch in my side occasionally, probably from twisting in the wrong direction. I try to pretend – I do a lot of that – I’m like an athlete, and I over exerted and pulled a muscle. A more prudent individual would make a doctor’s appointment and get it checked out. I hesitate in making that move, because I’m not that enthusiastic about either my neurologist or my primary care physician. Also, no matter what I present to them, I know I’ll have to start getting tests done, and I just don’t want to. I have bad memories of the last time I went for an MRI. I always wore clothes with absolutely no metal, so I didn’t have to change into those fashionable paper ensembles. Never a problem. Then I ran into Miss Fancy Pants Stupidhead Do As I Say Pain In The Butt, and she insisted (nastily) that I change. It took me forever, totally exhausted me, had me close to tears, and I could hardly walk. After the test, I told her what I thought of her and informed anyone within earshot that I had no intentions of ever darkening their doorway again. I’ll do blood tests, but that’s it.

So, as stupid as it may be, I’ll learn to put up with the latest symptoms. I’ll live in my fantasy world and pretend everything’s fine. I’ll look at this in a year’s time, and see only a slight decline. Then if I’m still around in five or six years, I’ll recognize it as major change. Thus is the combination of my two lives.

Peace,
Muff

Dreaming

2012-01-16T11:19:00.002-05:00

On this, the holiday honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, I begin to wonder if any of his dreams came true. I suppose in the last forty-four years there has been some progress in human relations, but there’s still a long road ahead. I appreciate the fact that there are so many service projects occurring today, in place of just a day off. Yet, I still look around and see such a need for improvement.

I explained once how I had my students work on service projects on this day, and I would hope that seed has blossomed into their wanting to continue that work. I know I want to share in the volunteerism that’s occurring, but physically I’m not much help. I can’t stand/walk for any length of time, I can hardly lift/move things, and I can’t do chores. So what do I have to offer?

Well, I have my smile, and maybe that’s all someone needs to see today – a tired clerk in the store, a nurse who’s concerned about her patients, a worker in fear of losing a job. So, I’ll turn it on. At my mother’s healthcare facility, there are so many residents who never have company. Perhaps their family is all gone, or the relatives live far away, or worse yet, just forgot the poor old soul. Most of their minds are gone and they have lost touch with reality, but there’s still a life there, a person who once lived as we do. I need to be some sort of beacon for these folks – greeting them, smiling, telling them something pleasant. That’s really all I have to offer. I need to focus on being appreciative, as well. So many people show such kindness to me, and I need to acknowledge that. Not just a flippant “Thanks,” and move on, but a heartfelt statement of gratitude.

It doesn’t seem like much when others are out there building, cleaning, repairing, feeding, and involving themselves in all sorts of worthwhile projects; however, it’s all I have. So, I’ll try to help in a small way, in my own little corner of the world, and maybe Dr. King’s dream will go on.

Peace,
Muff

Dancing in the Stars

2012-01-14T10:46:00.002-05:00

I think a lot about dancing, and I’m jealous of those who can still dance. My hubby refuses to watch DWTS, but I try to sneak peeks when I can. I imagine myself gliding across the floor or rhythmically keeping pace with the Latin numbers or working up a frenzy with a modern routine. So I’m not dancing with the stars but in my dreams I’m in the stars.

It really doesn’t seem that long ago when I could still dance – I miss it so much. I started young – maybe 3 or 4 – when my mother took me to dance class. She and my father were the smoothest dance couple I ever saw. I suppose that’s why she wanted me to learn. Ballet, tap, jazz – I did it all! Then the pre-teen years hit and Mother insisted I take ballroom dancing classes – I hated it. It was like something from the Victorian era – we had to dress up, wear white gloves, sit perfectly straight in our chairs, and wait until one of the “gentlemen” approached us, requesting a dance. Keep in mind, many of these so-called gentlemen were in our class and the moniker hardly seemed appropriate! That only lasted a year and I was then allowed to learn all the new steps to the latest dance craze. School dances (with or without dates) became the highlight of my teen years – my feet were meant to move! Even as an adult, I never stopped dancing – there were the beef and beer nights with disc jockeys, fund raisers for the kids’ schools, exercise classes, even teaching my own children how to dance!

Then came the day when the music continued, but the feet could no longer keep up. I could stand and hold onto something for balance, but while my body kept beat to the strains, the feet stayed firmly planted. In my mind, I could visualize the movement, but the message never reached the pegs. I tried to teach my little grandson how to dance, and we laugh because he limps when he does his little routine! I also love watching Zumba – the rhythm and the movements remind me of the days when I would have been able to accomplish them. It’s a great exercise, and I know women who have last a ton of weight doing it. But it came along after the feet stopped, and now I can just imagine how great it would feel.

People have asked me what I miss since having MS, and I rarely mention dancing – it always seemed to sound so superficial. Yet, that’s a major loss for me. In the long lens of retrospection, I always see myself moving, and not just walking or running. I see instead a flow, a gyration, a whirligig, and I’m smiling through it all. Yes, I do miss my dancing.

Peace,
Muff

The Traits of a Good Friend

2012-01-13T11:43:00.002-05:00

It’s very windy here today and the internet seems to be sluggish. So, I’ll try to complete this before anything goes wrong. Yesterday, a dear friend came to visit, and I saw how much I really appreciate her. We’re not the kind of friends who go w-a-a-a-y back – I have those too, but this is a friendship that developed in spite of obstacles. Let’s call her Amy. We both belong to the same church and when we were younger, we saw each other there often. Her children were close in age to mine, and they had similar interests. I was involved with PTA and I had friends in that group. Two moms with whom I worked really didn’t like Amy, and while I had no problems with her, I tended to follow their lead. So, our early relationship was in the icy to civil range. We’d see each other at events, but words were never exchanged.

During my tenure as principal, I was asked to head a new committee at my church. Thinking I could fit it into my schedule, I said yes, and went about setting up meetings. To my original chagrin, Amy was a part of this committee. We held one meeting, and she was not only nice and helpful, she was actually likable! As we moved through the work of that group, she and I became closer and spent a great deal of time working together. I really liked her, and I knew the feeling was mutual. We weren’t the kind of friends who spent hours on the phone, or ran to the mall together. We just had a good time in each other’s company. She would hold meetings at her house, and she’d come here to work on projects.

I feared that this would end when we resigned our positions last summer; however, we still kept in touch. She had a rough time last fall when her mother-in-law passed away, and we never went to meetings or events together anymore. Thinking that the glue which held us together had vanished, I asked her to come for lunch over Christmas week. I still sent a cookie tray over and she called to say thanks. Since she needed to babysit for her grandson, we postponed our lunch until last week – then I got sick. So, we finally met yesterday and had a ball. I just had one of my homemade soups, a salad, and a small roll – sounds like Olive Garden! The food was a side issue – we spent nearly three hours talking!! She came a little early –“in case I needed help” – I did. She moves so effortlessly in her helping that I’m not even aware of it, AND she never makes me feel like an invalid. When I mentioned that I missed some of the events – no longer driving – she simply informed me she would pick me up and take me.

This is the kind of friend I treasure! Foreseeing what’s needed and just doing it. She could easily sit back and take it easy, but she doesn’t. I hope I convey my appreciation to her, because she’s one in a million. I wish I hadn’t wasted all those early years. Thanks, Amy!

Peace,
Muff

Do You Ever...

2012-01-11T11:12:00.002-05:00

Feel like killing someone close to you? I’m serious. Does anyone else think they could ‘literally’ choke the life out of someone? I’m at that point with my dearly devoted Hubby. Yes, I said it – I want to off him, or hire a hit man, or perform some other diabolical deed. Perhaps I just need a deep breath, or a loud scream!

I’m slowly de-Christmasing the house, and I need help. Keep in mind, I decorate a lot, and it takes me a long time. Three years ago, once I had stopped working, I tried to get all my decorations organized, in an effort to maximize efficiency. As ‘we’ took things down I separated it all and labeled e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! That way, the following year, I could easily find each piece and know where to display it. Remember now, during the time I was a principal, I had to rely heavily on Hubby to help me get all the decorations down and I just allowed him to follow his own methods (trust me, there were none!) Yet, once I was among the retired/disabled/unemployed, with a ton of time, I believed I could bring order to the chaos he created. How lovely it was the following year to remove each labeled box and know exactly where to place it. Then, I was a bit sick after Christmas, and Hubby decided to help me get things done. [insert first scream!]

The labeled boxes I had so laboriously created the year before, appeared to be only a suggestion to him. Everything was put wherever he freaking felt it should be! So, last year, I had to root through everything as I decorated. He ‘promised’ he’d be more careful. [Liar, liar, pants on fire!] He still had tree balls mixed with lights mixed with candles mixed with… oh you get the idea: one big mess – again! So this year, I told him he would do nothing alone – then I got sick last week. “How about if I help you start to pack things away?” [insert second scream] “Noooooooo!!!” I said I would do it little by little with him following my instructions.

Sunday I felt okay, so I began to get the living room done. When he saw me busy, he went outside and began the windows, door, lamppost – all okay, until he came in and dumped them in the living room which I had just completed. “Can you find the bin where they belong and put them in?” [said with a saccharine overtone] He then put that bin in the breakfast room and left the wreaths where they were. [insert third scream] Monday was tied up with the little guy (although as young as he is, he did help me take the ornaments off the little tree I had for him in the front hall. This year I did it in all kinds of mini Christmas stockings.) Yesterday we had a warm day, so Hubby decided to golf – yes, there’s still a ton of decorations left to do. I decided to refresh my mantle wreath and I stayed in the breakfast room, hot gluing to my heart’s content. When he came home, I asked if he could please, please, please move the clutter he created. His response: “Why are you so grumpy?” [insert fourth scream]

I’m having my friend over tomorrow for lunch, and I wanted to have things fairly organized, so I again asked for help this morning. I outlined each step and I’m still staring at things unmoved. My girlfriend won’t mind that I’m half and half; she understands that things take a little longer for me. But I refuse to have stuff thrown hither and yon, and I’m losing patience. I’ll try once more before we go to see my mother and you’ll probably hear the fifth scream, or I’ll be posting tomorrow from jail. Does anyone else go through this?
Peace,
Muff

A Request

2012-01-10T11:24:00.002-05:00

My visit with the little guy went great yesterday! He’s growing so quickly and I don’t want to miss a minute of it. Every time I see him, he has new words, new little games, and new feats. They stayed for dinner and left before it got too late, so I was tired but sated!
Originally, I had planned another boring post about some grammar/speaking pet peeves, but when I read Judy’s comment, I decided to veer off course and answer her question – how did I survive being without my computer for so long? Survive is the only way to describe it – I merely existed but wasn’t totally alive. At first, it seemed as if it could be corrected quickly. [Somehow I had contracted a serious virus, and it forced the operating system to constantly shut down.] My son, who is my tech guru, seemed to think a simple repair would do the trick. Unfortunately, it happened at the start of the busy summer season, and he had work obligations and vacation plans. When he finally got around to it, after a month had gone by, he realized there were serious problems. His friend – another techie – suggested some repairs, and even computer stores were stymied. After a few forays to the library and confrontations with the weirdoes, I started looking into a new computer – my old one wasn’t that old, though, and I had so much information stored on it! Hubby finally gave me a figure to work within if I wanted a new one. [Think wanting Blahnik at Payless!] I knew I had to live within a budget, but it’s so hard! Finally, I gave up the idea of a fully equipped laptop, and started looking into a new CPU. I already had a 20 inch flat screen monitor, a wireless keyboard and mouse, and the place to put it all. I just liked laptops better. So, I settled into the idea of returning to a desktop, and the unit has tons of memory and space. Son is still setting it all up, and I’m still using my daughter’s laptop, but soon it will be finished.

So, how did I survive? What did I do? At first, I was here at my desk just staring at the broken laptop with a dazed look. I went through withdrawal once when I stopped drinking caffeine, and this reaction was akin to those symptoms – headache, depression, short fuse, disbelief, ennui, etc. then I knew I needed replacement activities. If I had been smart, I would have filled in the void with healthy living routines; instead, I allowed myself to wallow. After all, I was used to being online for a great part of my day. Answering email, writing a post, making comments, checking Facebook, downloading/uploading, playing trivia games and doing puzzles, writing recipes were all part of my day. Then in an instant it stopped.

I missed my online buddies – I call you all my extended family, my kids say you’re my imaginary friends – and I was lonely. I began doubling my reading time as an escape – the library kept ordering new books for me, and I’d finish them quickly. I also began to watch way too much TV. I’d start with CNN or MSNBC – Hubby’s favorites, or I’d slip in GMA. I watched Regis doing his never-ending good-bye, and wondered who Kelly would have as a replacement. Sometimes I’d endure Rachael, but mostly I’d watch Martha. Whoopi, Joy, Elisabeth, Sherri, and ugh Barbara tried hard to entertain me, and if they couldn’t, Emeril was waiting to take over. [At least I spent a few hours visiting my mother, but on off days, I had The Chew.] Ellen can really amuse me, and Drs. Travis, Jim, Lisa, and Drew answered all my medical questions. I watched all the local stations for news, and stayed with annoying Diane for national and world events. Alec and Pat livened my evenings, and every night brought a new listing of favorites. My DVR was full and I realized I had a developed a first-name relationship with all my new buddies. My brain began to resemble jelly with all the mindless viewing taking place.

When I finally got back online after six months, I had come to some sad realizations – I was totally hooked on the computer and I had allowed the TV to become another addiction! Now, I’m trying to reorganize – a little less time on the computer and TV may keep me away from TA [ Technology Anonymous!] And I’m so relieved that my friends were there waiting for me!!

Peace,
Muff

Another Slapdash Entry

2012-01-09T11:26:00.002-05:00

My little guy is on his way! With both of us “sharing” a cold, I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks and I miss him terribly. So, I’ll skip writing today. Be back tomorrow.
Peace,
Muff

Back on Target

2012-01-07T11:33:00.002-05:00

Funny how a simple cold can really knock me out… But I survived and now I’m back here with more drivel! Thank you all for your kind words! This is supposed to be the weekend when all the Christmas stuff gets packed for another year. Hubby is out and he forgot to bring me some bins to start the process. I’m still a little wobbly, but I plan to start anyway. I hate the look of the house when everything is gone – seems colder – but I’ll go room by room and start to un-decorate. I’m planning some new additions, though, so it won’t seem so empty.

First, I’ll do the living room – the mantle is the busiest – I keep greens across the length with red and white flowers interspersed with pine cones. There’s a large wreath above and everything has small white lights. Well, here’s my plan: get some dead twigs from the yard and have Hubby spray paint them white. While they’re still wet, I’ll sprinkle white and clear glitter over them. Then I’ll paint the tips of ivy leaves on a swag and some pine cones with a touch of white to resemble snow. Then I’ll twine them around the branches and add white lights. It won’t be as extensive as the green Christmas decoration, but it should look nice. I usually have a painting over the mantle, but I’m thinking about using a grapevine wreath with the same ivy and pine cones, and maybe I’ll make some glittery snowflakes on it. Then add more lights. This is all in my mind right now, but I know Hubby will have some negative remarks, so maybe it won’t happen.

The dining room, staircase, and den will go back to same-ol’, same ol’, but I’ll need some ideas for the family room. Right now, there are over 100 snow people there, and I’m trying to come with an idea to replace them. Maybe I’ll just get Hubby to rearrange some furniture – he’ll really like that [not!] Well, if my brain comes up with anything else, I’ll try it.

The weather here is spring-like again, and I would love to sit outdoors. Unfortunately, I’m so afraid to go outside alone, anymore – fear of tripping and falling – that I’ll probably enjoy the climes from my window. Tomorrow will be my first day out in a week, and I’m hoping all my lost energy will return.

Peace,
Muff

Under the Weather

2012-01-04T16:53:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven’t been around much – after so long with no health issues other than MS, I finally succumbed and caught a bad cold. I had been dealing with my normal allergies that arise when I unpack all my Christmas decorations, but this year, it seemed to last longer. I was sniffling and sneezing every other day. I was bad on Christmas day at my daughter’s – they have a dog. On New Year’s Eve, I was sneezing at our friends’ house – they have two little Cavaliers, but I’m never bad around them. Then I learned that they were puppy sitting for their daughter’s dog, and I am allergic to her. On New Year’s Day, I was hoarse, and by Monday, my voice was fading. Yesterday and today, I’ve had laryngitis, and a full-blown cold. I’ve just stayed inside, curled up in my soft fleece throw, drinking liquids and watching TV. I can’t really complain because I haven’t been sick in years. So I’ll put up with the stupid cold – I know it will be gone quickly, and I’ll look forward to a long stretch of good health.

It’s freezing around here right now, so I’m glad I’m indoors. They say it should be milder by the weekend, so I’ll be patient. I don’t remember a winter like this – warm temps for quite a while. I’ll take it!
Hope everyone else is feeling well.

Peace,
Muff

New Year -- 2012

2011-12-31T10:45:00.002-05:00

I firmly resolve not to make resolutions! That’s not saying I won’t try to be a better person – kinder, healthier, friendlier – but if I make that a resolution and I slip up, then I blew it. It’s easier to just say I’ll try.

That said, I’ll be going to a New Year’s Eve party tonight! Last year, I begged off, and in ’10, Hubby was sick. So, I took the plunge and said that we’d be there this time. It’s at our friends’ home and we’ve gone there for years, but the last two years we were absent. My girlfriend called and said they’d make any accommodations so I could come, and I felt all warm and fuzzy and said, “Sure, we’ll be there!” Now, I have to take it easy today, take a nap, and not do too much so I’ll have the energy to go out at night. Yesterday, I made an appetizer and a simple dessert to take along. So, all I have to do now is relax.

I hope all of you have a wonderful time at any of your festivities. Stay safe. And have a very Happy New Year!!

Peace,
Muff

Isn't Progress a Positive?

2011-12-30T11:39:00.002-05:00

Since I’ve been back here, I haven’t mentioned my nemesis – MS. Maybe you thought I was magically cured? Huh! No, I still share a body with that many-headed monster, but not a lot has changed. The only way I notice how much I’ve changed is when I compare myself to a year ago. With such a retrospective vision, I’ll notice if I walked better then or if I could do more at that point. I’m not seeing a great deal of change, even though I know there must be. MS is a progressive disease, so progress it must.
That got me thinking about such terminology. When we talk about progress, it’s usually a good thing. Look at the field of technology! Ten or fifteen years ago, we could only imagine some of the devices that exist today. There’s been so much progress in that area, one can hardly keep up! Look at the cars we drive! They’re a far sight from the ones we once used – that’s progress. Look at our knowledge of the world, large and small, and see how we’ve advanced. These are all examples of progress in a very positive sense. When we talk about MS progression, it takes on frightening images! I prefer to think of it as decline, rather than progress.
At the turn of our latest century, we had cell phones, computers, even the whole “i-“ basket of goodies was emerging. In my world, I was starting to see a weakness in my leg/foot, and heaviness in my gait. Fast forward to the present, and cell phones are de rigueur, every possible i-gadget is available, along with their copies, and everything we use is computer oriented. As for me? Over that same time frame, I went from a slight limp to using a cane, and now I need a walker or a sturdy wall, and many times a wheel chair. That’s progress? If the same “progress” continues, in the next decade, I may not be walking at all!
Have there been any changes or declines? I notice a few subtle differences. My balance has gotten worse (but only a tad,) my hand now serves as a club hanging at my side, my range of motion has decreased, my “good” hand is starting to get weak, and my fatigue is a little more pronounced. However, looking at the larger picture, these declines aren’t as bad as in the past. I’m pretty much holding the course, and for that I’m grateful!
So, in a Dickensian spirit, my Spirit of Christmas Past was better than the Present, and the Future is yet to be known. All in all, I can handle it without a “Bah” to be heard.
Peace,
Muff

Is It Just Me?

2011-12-29T11:23:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just have to vent my pet peeves! On The View, which I watch sometimes, Whoopi Goldberg does this, and it’s hysterical. So, here are my latest peeves…
1. People who say “Actually” and “Literally.” The former start each sentence with, “Actually…” and around here, each syllable is stressed – all 4. Once I hear it, I know it will repeated and I had best grit my teeth. Then there are those who say things such as, “I literally fell off my chair when I heard!” Really? If it was literal, you’d be lying on the floor. Did that happen? No! So it wasn’t literal. “She literally tore my face off!” Seriously? So, you no longer have a face?
2. The way people are now responding to questions that merely require a “Yes” or “No” answer. Example: “Are you doing anything for New Years?” “ I aaaam!” “Did you see your friends last week?” “I diiiid!” “Do you like this show?” “I dooo!” Please stop!! Just say “Yes!” Whoever started this must the same bozo that brought “Like” and “Y’know” to conversations!”
3. Using the same adjectives over and over. Ina Garten, The Barefoot Contessa, does this all the time during her show. Now I’m noticing regular people around me also doing it. “It’s fabulous.” “It’s fantastic.” “It’s incredible.” There are many more – usually used to describe things that really aren’t in need of superlatives. I don’t mind hearing them once in a while – they spice up a dialogue; however, when used over and over and over, I go nuts.
Whew…I feel so much better! Actually, isn’t it fabulous that I don’t have much else about which to gripe? It iiiis!

Peace,
Muff

Baby Steps Back To Normal

2011-12-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

Well, the cooking and baking was completed, the gifts wrapped and unwrapped, the guests flown back to their homes, and Muff is more than ready to get back to the everyday, mundane life I lead! We had a lovely visit with Hubby’s family – not too long a drive, all four siblings together again, sharing news and memories, a delicious meal, and plenty of laughter. Then back to the Philly airport to pick up my sister (and let the games begin!) and home. Friday brought above-mentioned relative into her true competitive mode – visit Mom (whom she hasn’t seen in a year) and look for areas which are “my fault,” brag to those there about her “wonderful life,” and become some fictitious entity that I’ve never seen. Muff swallows the bile and moves on. I made an artisan pizza for dinner and she asked about my recipe with her nose in the air [prediction: she’ll make it and claim it as hers! She’s already done that many times!] Saturday meant preparing dishes to take with us on Sunday. I suppose she meant well in trying to help, but I need my space, and I really can get through my chores without that much assistance! Evening Mass (more comments,) comfort food (homemade vegetable soup and sammies) late supper (more remarks) and Hubby watching his team win but lose a playoff berth (lots of derisive sneers.) Sounds like fun, eh? Christmas was fun with my daughter and my little guy, but her hubby’s family is too much for me, and I was overwhelmed with all 14 of them! Had to listen to more bragging and know-it-all speeches from my sister again, and I finally made it through the last two days without a homicide. Now, I’m back to my slow-paced world, and I’m loving it.
I’m still trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs – it’s taking forever!
Peace,
Muff

Out of Time, Words, Energy

2011-12-23T10:01:00.002-05:00

Since I’m now playing “hostess,” I’ll have to forego computer time for a bit. My sister is here, and I still have a few small items to finish, so time is precious. I don’t have much to say now anyway, but by next week, I’ll be back with more.

Wishing everyone a happy holiday, whichever one you celebrate – Hanukkah, Solstice, Christmas, Kwaanza, and any other I missed. I’ll be keeping each of you in my thoughts and prayers!
Peace,
Muff

Quickie...

2011-12-22T09:52:00.002-05:00

I am almost entirely ready for Christmas. However, we begin the “guest rounds” today. Up to PA to see Hubby’s family, back down to airport to pick up my sister, who will be here until Tuesday, and tomorrow is delivery day for the rest of the cookie packages [one went yesterday, three go today, then 12 left!]. So, I have to stay away from this computer – hard to do after being away from it for so long. I also want to spend time next week making a file of pix I can use, and changing my background.
See y’all soon.
Peace,
Muff

Seriously -- What Was I Thinking?

2011-12-21T10:00:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I set myself a schedule – all doable items on the agenda. All went well and I was patting myself on the back. Then, I made a huge goof! The couple next door (our doggie’s breeders) just had a baby girl. They had wanted a baby for so long and we were thrilled for them. I decided we’d get them a baby gift to go with the cookies I always give. There was my first “What was I thinking?” [wwit] Couldn’t I have waited until after Christmas?
We (more like I) decided to visit my mother and then pick up the gift. The Cherry Hill Mall is only a hop, skip, and jump from her nursing facility. So, Hubby aims the car for the mall parking lot and it’s packed. Duh! So I urged him to ride around a little (he hates that) and we’d surely find a space. Wwit #2. Then it started to rain. We finally found a space after 10 minutes and he rushed me in on the wheelchair. Ever try maneuvering a w/c in a crowded store? Wwit #3! Then we discovered that the elevator was at the other end of Macy’s and of course we needed to go to another floor. I told Hubby that it would be a quick jaunt. Wwit #4! We finally found the baby department and I chose an adorable little set for the new baby, and we rushed to the register. You guessed it – a long line. We waited for quite some time and I could hear Hubby mumbling behind me. *Sidebar: why do parents take their kids (young ones) with them when they buy their Christmas gifts? I don’t get it. What happened to Santa?* Then, we’re almost to the head of the line when the people in front of us start having each item rung up separately to make sure they had enough money. Seriously? You couldn’t do that while you were shopping? Finally it’s our turn – no lie, twenty minutes! A total WWIT!!!
We didn’t have time to make our other two stops, so once again I fell behind. I’ll have to make it up today. What was I thinking!?!
Peace,
Muff

My New Favorite Author

2011-12-20T09:50:00.002-05:00

With so much time away from a computer, I had to keep myself occupied. I always read a lot, and I knew I’d have more time to do so this past summer and fall. I began roaming the library stacks to find new and interesting books. While looking for another author, I happened upon Jodi Picoult, and knew I had a keeper. She’s an excellent writer and her work covers a vast array of topics. I’ve now completed reading all her books, and I can’t wait until her next one comes out. Most of the stories take place in New England, although she ventures out into CA, SD, AZ in some tales. My town library didn’t have all her books, but they began ordering them from the county for me. Once I finished the final book last week, I felt a sense of loss – now that’s a good author! If you’re interested in the progression of an author’s talents, read Jodi’s from the first one [Songs of the Humpback Whale] on through the rest [I think there are 18 in all] and you’ll see how beautifully she writes.
I’m now getting into Jacqueline Mitchard, who has a great style, but not many books yet. Now that I’ll be back on the pooter, I guess the amount of my reading will diminish, but I hope to keep up.
Cookies and candies are finished. Today, just a few quick breads and I’ll stop.
Peace,
Muff

During My Hiatus...

2011-12-19T10:14:00.002-05:00

I had some interesting experiences…
My original plan was to go to the library once or twice a week and spend my morning there on the computers. Even though it’s a small town, the library is well equipped with a dozen modern computers. On the first day, I took a PC along the back wall, but I wasn’t comfortable there, with no vision of what was behind me. So the next time, when almost all the computers were in use, I headed toward a netbook along the row, when a little guy about four years old steps in and says, “That’s mine.” His brothers had 3 other machines and the mother was deeply engrossed on hers. So, I decided to read a magazine at the reading table. When the librarian saw this, she went over to the mother, and said that since she had been there for two hours, she needed to let an adult use one of the machines. The mom huffed and puffed, but took the two (no lie) and four year old, and sat them on her lap while she played (trust me, that was what it was!) Then, as children are known to do, they began getting louder and arguing, and pushing. So the mom gets the older two and they proceed to leave, along with nasty comments and loud complaints. Once they were gone, the librarian said she was tired of being a babysitter so the mother could play games all morning.
My next planned visit had no children around. But, soon after I arrived, a woman came in and asked to use the computers. She then began to move from one to another, until the librarian asked her to stay in one place. At that point, the woman stood up and yelled, “I’m brain damaged and I have a plate in my head, so watch out!” Then, a guy walked in and went right over to her, and the two of them were laughing and carrying on, until the librarian again asked them to stop. The guy proceeds to grab the computer next to me, and brought up his Facebook page and started reading it aloud. When he came to certain items, the woman would make remarks. My head was splitting.
My final visit had another weirdo jumping from one computer to another, talking to himself. I decided to forego any further visits, and went to the library merely to get books. If I had continued without my own computer, I would try the county library which is close by and modern. Fortunately, I can stay here at home and still write.
BTW, I found an author I really like. More on that next time. My biscotti is waiting to be made – last one and cookies are finished. Yay me!!

Peace,
Muff

To Do List: Item One

2011-12-17T10:10:00.002-05:00

I came back online at a strange time. I had already begun holiday preparations, and I needed to continue going, but the draw of being on the computer again sidetracked me. So, rather than making it an either-or, I just decided to include both on my to-do list!
First, I need to schedule a slot for a brief post – not long ones and certainly not anything intelligent. I’ll just jot a few lines to get me back on schedule. After that, I’ll do my chores (let’s pretend), and in between each, I’ll take a short break (that’s more like it!) Finally, I’ll set aside some time to read other bloggers’ posts. I’ve caught a few, but there are so many that I follow, and six months is a long time. I’ll get there, but I may not have time to comment. Bear with me – I’ll be back in the saddle by the new year.
Looking at the to-do list, I have to finish straightening my dining room, wrap kids’ packages for our church, and do my candy. Believe it or not, that will take all day! Then I’ll be back here to read posts.
I still have more to say about my imposed hiatus, like the library whackos, but give me time.
Peace,
Muff

Trying To Finish It All!

2011-12-16T16:49:00.003-05:00

I promised some short posts, but I had been so out of the habit that I let it slide. This is always a crazy time for me – trying to finish so many things, and getting frustrated when I fall behind. I need a new organizational chart – that’s the only way I can work. Make lists, check off completion, and follow a simple rule: finish one task before beginning another. Right now, cookies are almost finished, shopping is almost complete, cards are almost ready to go, and I’m almost ready to take a long rest!
I informed my three grown children that I want to divest myself of some of the Christmas chores next year. Of course, what I received in reply were blank stares. So, I’ll leave it go for now, but will introduce it again (and supply them with lists!!!) after the holidays.
My big news [enter sound of trumpets] – we’re going to be grandparents again in late June or early July!! So exciting.
Be back soon with more.

Peace,
Muff

Gulp!! Does Anyone Remember Me??

2011-12-14T15:50:00.003-05:00

I finally had to throw in the towel... My fantastic computer just couldn't be repaired. My son now has the hard drive attached to his computer and he'll try to pull up any documents I need and put them on a flash drive. I’m using my daughter’s laptop now, but my new computer will arrive in a day or two.
This absence has really shaken me up! I miss all my cyber friends, and I’ve gotten away from all things connected to technology. It really was a depressing six months! I’m going to be very careful so it doesn’t happen again. PLUS!! I definitely will start to back up my documents!
I hope some of my old pals still remember me and we can start to converse again! Thanks, too, to Karen and Judy who figured out how to contact my daughter to check up on me. (How did you do that??) It meant a lot to know that so many of you kept in touch.
I’ll only be posting little shorties until I get back in the groove – I have a few interesting things to report, but there will be time for that. Thanks, again!!

Peace,
Muff

Thanks for the Yellow Ribbons

2011-07-29T11:13:00.003-04:00

I really appreciate the comments and emails. I'm still getting to the library casionally to check in. My son has been down with a bad sprainged ankle. So, I wait, and try to be patient. The big "D" tries to gain access but I'm still able to hold it at bay. If I don't get back online soon, though, I'm going to scream. Can't wait to be with all of you again.
Peace,
Muff

Still in Solitary Confinement

2011-07-07T10:55:00.003-04:00

That's really how I feel! I miss being online to the point that I could scream. My son has to order a program, and I'm last on the list. The scooter must wait, for now. So, I must rely on Hubby to drive me here to the library. I tried coming last week, but I had my little guy, and he had other ideas!

I hope I'll still have a following if I ever get back to this blog. Thanks to all of you for hanging in there with me. Hopefully, I'll be back soon. Wish I had unlimited funds so I could just go and buy all new equipment.

Peace,
Muff

Miss

2011-06-21T11:41:00.001-04:00

Miss Me?

2011-06-21T11:19:00.006-04:00

I've been computerless for a week now, and I'm writing this at the library. It seems, according to my techie son, that I "inherited" a virus, and Microsoft keeps shutting everything down to save the system. I think I have to get a new computer and transfer my hard drive items. My son is in Colorado until the 28th, so it will be at least that long before I get things straightened out. Ugh!

I never knew how much I relied on the computer and internet access until I lost it. It reminds me of my new life in a way. I took for granted all the things I could do and the places I could visit until that was all snatched away. Now I feel so isolated when I can't get online, just as I feel apart from the rest of the world I used to inhabit! BTW, my scooter is still not fixed, so I can't even go out alone. I read a lot and watch some TV, but I feel as if a whole part of my world is gone

Once I have things up and running, I'll return with more of my mind-blowing information (she says with tongue firmly planted in cheek.) I'll also be on all my friends' blogs to comment. Until then, behave yourselves!

Peace,
Muff

Breathing Again and a Funny...

2011-06-14T11:01:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was one of those ‘just let me make it through’ days, and I got so tired. We had the little guy again, and he’s always a pleasure, but still tiring. An old friend from high school who now lives in New England was back in our area and wanted to get together with another friend and me. I explained that I had my grandee, but they wanted him included. So, I made reservations at our favorite river-view restaurant, and Hubby and I ventured out with the little guy. It was great seeing old friends, and the baby was great – he ate a whole bowl of seafood bisque, several crackers, some chicken, an oyster, and salad! You’d never believe how much he can eat because he’s such a little person, but he likes his food.
We stayed a bit longer than I had anticipated, but when we got talking, the rest of the world vanished. The baby eventually took a nap before dinner and then resumed his eating.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t just relax when he left – I had my last meeting as co-chair last night. I thought about staying away, but I’m glad I went. They threw a party for us – and gave some beautiful speeches about the work we had done. Wow! Didn’t see that one coming. There was cake, cookies, drinks, and snacks. I received a name card, book, and flowers. I was quite surprised. But…still tired.

This morning, I’m still breathing and ready to move on, but I have to recuperate – again!! So, I’m leaving a funny that I received – for the gals, sorry guys!

And Happy Flag Day!

Peace,
Muff

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,
but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

National Girlfriend and Sister'sWeek
I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hair spray I use, and the friends I have.
To the cool women who have touched my life. Here's to you!

National Girlfriends Day

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don 't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don 't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Love ya! Mean it!

Brainiacs

2011-06-13T10:21:00.005-04:00

I’ve been reading so much about Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, and I’m amazed that someone could take a bullet to the brain and still be able to survive. Those new photos make her look different, and that seems to be the media angle, but gosh, she still looks great. Then there’s the news that she’s struggling to find words, and she has difficulty putting together sentences. Isn’t that kind of like us at times?

I also see many stroke patients at my mother’s nursing home, and I can’t help but compare them to me! The one side paralyzed comes awfully close to home. Then I wonder if it really is the same. I always thought that paralyzed indicated no movement PLUS no feeling. Well, I can feel my limbs; I just can’t move them well. Also, if the problem is in the brain (both stroke and MS folks,) then why is so much emphasis put on physical therapy?

For me, therapy was a waste – I couldn’t do any more when I finished than when I began. I just became really tired, and one time really mangled my knee doing an exercise. So, I wonder why the nursing home does such a booming business with therapy. Is it really effective? I remember when my father had his two strokes – the first time, the therapy seemed to get him back to baseline; the second time, it never did any good. One time, a stroke patient at my mother’s place, asked why I limped and used a scooter. When I told her, she said that MS was very similar to stroke victims in that the brain was affected more than the limbs.

So, now as I watch Ms. Giffords going through all this intense therapy, I again ask, why. Is the physical exercising going to affect the way the brain is wired? Or is it a way to side step brain functioning in one place and put emphasis on another area? Can the brain really be tricked? I question all this because I am a skeptic first and foremost, but also because I need to know. I understand, after explanations from my neurologist, that my lesions are in my left parietal lobe which governs balance, movement, and fine motor skills. So my right leg and hand don’t work. I get it, but I keep questioning it. You know…if they can put a man in space, why can’t they cure me? I’ll bet Gabby G thinks the same thing – Hey my husband can fly in space, so get some of that technology working on me.

I’ll never totally understand the whole concept of MS, and I don’t really like reading scientific articles. I just need someone to tell me in very simple language what is happening in my brain. Then I want the answer to why it can’t be fixed. Is that asking too much?

Peace,
Muff

Quitting Another Job

2011-06-11T10:51:00.004-04:00

*Before I begin my post, I have to ask, “Is Blogger acting up again?” I keep having a page come up saying, “Service Unavailable.” I go back to the previous page, try again, and it goes through. Maybe it’s my computer (or its user!)

Also, I still can’t comment on some blogs. Judy (Peace Be With You) gave me the following advice (though not in haiku,) and I’ll pass it along for anyone who’s reading me as Anonymous, or not hearing from me at all:
Go your dashboard, hit settings >comments > comment form placement >pop-up window.
Hope that helps…
*****
Anyway, I think I’m leaving still another volunteer position – not due to MS, just no enthusiasm. I had already resigned from chairing a large group, and Monday night is my last meeting. We had asked several people to take our place, but everyone kept saying it was too much work. Well, look at it this way – my co-chair and I did all the groundwork already, and all you have to do is continue. No dice. So, the board was reworked, and now regular members will take charge for a month at a time. I’ll go to the meeting, drop off tons of binders I prepared, then move on.

I also retired from reading in church, and my last stint is on Fathers Day. That I will miss, but I can’t do the steps, and there’s no other way it can be done. So, check off my second job. Then I said I would help with a new online newsletter that’s being formed. I went to one meeting, offered my two cents, did my required research, and then had to miss the next meeting. At that session, they voted to have me act as editor. Now, I did work in the past for two major city newspapers, and I did edit copy, so I said okay to the assignment. Three people have already submitted copy, and I just set up the ‘track changes’ feature, and went into editing mode. The first two articles were simply written, I made a few minor changes, and sent them to the whole group. Then, I received the third article, and I could tell immediately that it was ‘lifted’ from another source, and it referred readers to Wikipedia for more information. I sent it to the main group, asking if we shouldn’t cite our sources, and refer to a better source than wiki. Well, I got a response from the writer that was, well, a little on the nasty side. I have to see the chair of the group tomorrow at church, and I’m letting him know that I need to get off this board as well.

I don’t like quitting anything, but I’m at a point in time when I need to step back and keep myself focused on life itself. I don’t want any drama, I don’t need confrontations, and I’m not in the mood for arguments. I’ll offer to write an article if needed now and then, but I have to get away from this now. I read something pertinent on FB right after this occurred:
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
I think that’s my new motto!

Peace,
Muff

I Should Stop Reading The Newspaper

2011-06-10T10:55:00.004-04:00

I get most of my news online or on the TV, but I still like reading newspapers – maybe because I worked for two of them! The feel of the cheap paper, the newsprint ink on my fingers, the ability to fold the pages properly – all are a part of my reading. I like to read the comments sections, too, because some people can be so dumb, and I get a chuckle. Lately, though, I’ve been reading so much about education that I want to have a tantrum!

I know it’s because I was in that profession for so long, but I feel so drawn to articles about the educational field. First of all, it upsets me to no end to read how poorly our students stand in comparison to the rest of the world. That is just not acceptable! With all we have to offer in this country, our students should be miles ahead of any other country. Math and science are major concerns, and I’ve been hearing about it for years, but still nothing happens. I admit my field – Language Arts – doesn’t do well either, and I want to scream. Kids just aren’t reading and writing well. On a whole, students are not learning how to THINK. Call it what you will – problem solving, going outside the box, creativity – it all comes down to knowing how to think.

Having been one, I hate to tar the entire teaching profession with the same brush, but let’s face facts: teachers ARE responsible! Parents, of course, are the primary teachers, and we should expect that in the family, a child will learn to live morally, to act kindly, and to show respect for others and their world. I know – it’s not a simple task, but it is doable. Start with the child at a very young age and work constantly on instilling values. Stop plopping them in front of the boob tube and expecting them to learn proper behavior by osmosis. Make them be responsible, hold them accountable for their actions, and show them that there are consequences for their actions – good and bad.

Once this is established, a teacher’s work is made a little easier. The educator has the freedom to teach subject matter without constantly being a disciplinarian. Lately, I hear from teachers who have encountered students showing such disrespect, they have trouble getting through the day. One just wrote that a ten year old called the teacher a *bitch* and tore up a discipline notice! Are you kidding me? How can a teacher be expected to teach if they must face these issues constantly?

Don’t get me wrong – there are plenty of bad teachers out there, and they need to go. But the practice of tenure has assured these idiots of job security and a nice pension. I say kick them to the curb and say goodbye to bad rubbish! Seriously, there are so many young, enthusiastic teachers entering the field with creative ideas, and they’ll be let go to honor the tenure of a lousy teacher. And yes, there are many seasoned vets who keep up with educational trends, who try new techniques, who take pride in what they do. To them I doff my cap and say Job Well Done. But they are few and far between.
I worked with the good and the bad. I saw teachers who worked their tails off trying to ensure that kids learned. I also saw a lot of dead wood – those lazy ass ones who assigned seatwork, and then sat at their desks. As I principal, I tried to reward those who worked so hard, and I also fired (sorry, PC is “I couldn’t renew their contract”) those who didn’t do their job. As a private school, we didn’t have a union or tenure, so it made my job easier.

There’s so much more I could add, but this is running long and my soapbox is starting to splinter under me. Sorry about the rant – it just gets under my skin.

Peace,
Muff

I'm Melting and Other Hot Topics

2011-06-09T10:58:00.003-04:00

As with most of the country, we’re sweltering here. This is actually our second heat wave of 2011, and it’s not even summer yet! Today it’s supposed to hit 100º, and then it will gradually cool off. I know I’ve written here that the cold bothers me more than the heat, but this extreme scorching hits everyone. Yesterday, a visitor at my mother’s nursing home was sitting with us, and she looked as if she might pass out. She said that the heat always takes a toll on her, and went on to explain how her legs get wobbly, her eyes act funny, she’s exhausted, and her pounding head feels as if it will explode. Kind of sounds like an MS sufferer, but she’s healthy. As for me, I just get very weak, and all the life seems to seep out of me. As long as I stay cool and well hydrated, I’m fine, but if I linger too long in the heat and humidity, I really will melt right before your eyes. I loved watching that happen to the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz!

Speaking of movies, today is the twenty-fifth anniversary of Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. That makes me feel old! I loved that movie and I could watch it over and over. Not all films affect me that way, and nowadays, I rarely go out to see a movie, preferring to see them on my TV. When I was little, my aunt used to take me to see all the Disney flicks, and I’d get so wrapped up in them. I think The Sound of Music will always be my favorite, though – I’m such a dork! I’ve seen it at least fifty times, I know every lyric to every song, I can recite every line of dialogue, I know all the costume changes, and I envision the scene changes before they take place. Still, I go back for more. I will say, though, that I wish they had kept the same score as the play, especially “How Can Love Survive?” I also enjoy every movie made from Broadway hits.

Speaking of Broadway, which is in NY, what’s your take on this Gooney Bird, Weiner? He really is a congressional albatross! I can never understand why these people in high positions start to stray from the moral and ethical highway. They have to figure out that they eventually get caught. Is that it – the danger of being discovered provides a thrill? In all the cases of these politicians acting out, there are always so many others they hurt. I think it must be a certain personality flaw that leads these people to seek public office, then go haywire.

Speaking of office, still another principal position has opened up around here – that makes ten! And again, people have contacted me to apply for it. Are they not getting it? What part of disabled is not getting through to them? My closest friends, of course, know that there’s no way I could physically manage such a job anymore, and they empathize. Naturally, each time I hear about an opening, my heart aches to be back in the game. Then I step outside myself and watch the hobbling walk, see the lack of balance and coordination, and look at the utter exhaustion from simple moves. That’s when I slap myself back to reality and say, “It’s over. Move on.”

Speaking of moving, I don’t plan to do much today. The little guy is having a Daddy Day and won’t be here, and the only outside activity I will do is to visit my mother. My boys are coming for dinner, and I thought about grilling, but finally decided on cooking – light and easy – indoors. It’s just too hot and I may just melt. If I stay in solid form, I’ll return tomorrow with more stuff.

Peace,
Muff

Guest Post from Kasey

2011-06-08T10:41:00.003-04:00

Greetings, again, from your roving reporter, Kasey, the Big City Dog. Well, I came to the ‘burbs last week while my boy was in NY (another Big City near here.) Usually my vacays with the folks mean just lolling around, spending time on grass, going in and out 100 times a day, getting some heavy duty snack time, and sleeping as long as I want in a very comfy area. Well, I’m getting all that, but this time Mom and Dad have gone all “It’s good for you” on me. I think I know why, too!

You know that little guy who spends a lot of time here? Well, they do an awful lot for him, and I think they feel I should get the same attention. Noooooo – I’m a dog, People!! That little runt was here on Monday, and I’m telling you, he wore me out. Now that he walks and runs, I have to move faster or he grabs my tail. He likes to pet me (really, he’s just grabbing chunks of my fur) so I try to sit still and endure the abuse. Usually, I make a mad dash for another room, then slowly inch my way back. When he’s around, my toys get put on a high shelf until he leaves. These humans know that their little person will take my toys and put them in his mouth. And you point is? I, on the other hand, am so properly bred that I would never think of touching the imp’s toys. Anyway, now they make noise – Yuck. So, I wait for meal time when I know the little slob will drop a great deal of good food. There I sit, watching, waiting for that first slip and POW! I’m on it like a flash. I don’t go near his tray, because I get so many dropsies without making a fuss. Mom keeps telling that one day the rugrat will be big enough to play with me. Like that’ll be fun?

So, as for the “good for you” routine? They’ve limited my snacks to “keep me healthy.” Now that was a slap in the face! Then they decided to guard me from fleas and ticks. You see in the Big City the outdoors is made of concrete, and there aren’t many fleas around. So, my boy only gives me the meds once in a while. Well, that doesn’t fly with Mom and Dad – they have grass, shrubs, and plants, where the critters can hide. So, right after I dropped off my luggage, Dad went to the pet store and got the meds. After I sat so beautifully, he gave me a yum-yum.

The next step in “bettering” me was a bath today. I’m not real keen on them. They don’t allow me to just soak in one of their tubs. Ohhhh, noooo… I had to bear the humiliation of being taken back to the shed area, have a hose spray water all over my gorgeous coat, and be rubbed with some girly-smelling shampoo. It. Was. So. Embarrassing!! Any of the neighborhood dogs could peek and see me! Have my parents no feelings? I got back in a small way – I shook out the excess water on Dad, and I ran past Mom and got her wet, too. Tee hee!! Now, I’m hiding out on Mom’s computer, and I’ll give them the sulking routine for awhile.

I may have to come around, though, at lunch to see if Dad will slip me anything. (I don’t like Mom’s grass stuff.) Then I’ll act all happy and bouncy again so I can go to see Grandmom. At that place, they give me some great treats, and I get a ride in the car!

So that’s been my life here for the past few days. I’ll be back in Philly by tomorrow night and I’ll get back to normal. Talk to you again, Peeps, when I next fly in for a visit!

Bark,
Kasey

When It's NOT MS

2011-06-07T11:04:00.003-04:00

I had reached the point where I tended to blame everything on MS, and I have to start thinking differently, and dealing with it. At the time I was seeking diagnosis, I had a multitude of ‘little’ symptoms that, when voiced aloud, made me sound like a hypochondriac. With all the many doctors to whom I was referred, I usually didn’t mention some of them. I just hit the biggies – trouble walking, weakness – that sort of thing. Unless a doctor asked, I rarely went into the details of the small items. I was already getting the idea that I may be ‘nuts’ so why add fuel to that fire?

Now that I’m a veteran, I need to be more discriminating and stop blaming it all on MS. An example: about three years ago, I began to notice my bad (right) foot swelling up at times. I still had a god-complex with my doctor, and I told him about the swelling. He looked at the foot, asked if it hurt (no), and said it was probably nothing or that I was overdoing things on that foot. So I tried to forget about it. Then at a party shortly after that, I was standing for a long time (back then, I could) and a friend asked how I could manage that. I explained that I locked my bad knee, and it stayed rigid enough to hold me up. She’s a nurse (so many of my friends are) and she said that in doing that I could cause my foot/leg to swell. Well, there you have it – my way of diagnosing. So, from time to time when the foot swelled, I just placed it the MS category, and I didn’t worry.

I get very few colds [maybe one a year], and I usually get over them quickly. So, one time when a particular cold settled in my throat, I wasn’t concerned when my chest got tight. I assumed (that dangerous word…) it was the MS Hug I had read about. That was stupid – it could have been pneumonia. Fortunately, I recovered, as I usually do, and I put it out of my mind. Stomach upsets are practically unknown to me, but if an odd one occurs, I end up tracing it back to MS. Headaches, sore eyes, skin discoloration – I can find a reason to blame it on the MonSter. It becomes a readily available scapegoat!

Now, I need to wake up and realize that everything is NOT MS acting up. Sometimes, it really is something else. So when I notice my shoes are tight and I see the swelling, I have to get it checked out. If any other physical defect occurs, I have to understand that MS is just my main disease – there could be others lurking. As much as I loathe medical tests, having endured so many on the road to diagnosis, I may have to bite the bullet and undergo more. I just don’t want to accept that anything else could happen!

While I hate to give any limelight to this disease, I often envision it as a spoiled, rotten brat/bully. “There, take that you little weakling!” “Ha-Ha, got you again!” “It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it.” “Nyah, Nyah, Got you again.” “I told you I didn’t do it, so there!” No, I really don’t hear those voices, I just imagine them. But now I know I can’t keep blaming the same culprit; I have to accept that I have more evildoers in my midst.

So, I’m going to begin and take note of problem areas. Then I’ll make the necessary appointments. And I will carry through with any necessary treatment. I think I’ll start that later, though. I’m kind of fatigued right now. Now, THAT, I can blame on MS!

Peace,
Muff

Chain Reactions

2011-06-06T09:37:00.005-04:00

I’m beginning to see this happen more and more – one thing goes wrong, and the whole house of cards collapses. Thank you to all who claimed I was so organized and how that trait would help me! Wrong!! Saturday became a near disaster…

After I checked all my blogs and did my computer business on Saturday, I decided to lay out all my ingredients for my whiskey cake. That was a bit difficult because it meant reaching up to shelves and still keeping my balance. Usually Hubby will help; alas, he wasn’t home. I did gather everything, though, and put the stick of butter by the mixer to soften. My timing was going well, so I decided to watch a little TV and get myself energized. Two minutes later, I see the dog (who is usually an angel, b-u-t, he is a dog) come prancing along with the butter in his mouth. I jumped (ok, heaved myself) up and snatched it away, but that began the collapse. It took extra steps to go back to the kitchen, throw away the crime evidence, wash down the counter, get a new stick of butter (put very high this time), and begin to wait again.

When I felt I had regained some strength, I began the mixing process; however, I had to stand because I can’t carry the mixer into the breakfast room as Hubby does for me. So, okay, I can handle it… butter is creaming, get the sugar from the other counter, move slowly, measure, add to butter. Yay – I did it! Break three eggs and add each to butter mixture, one at a time. Again, I did it! Sift together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon. Okay, now I just have to move the sifted ingredients to the mixer. Next mistake! I jerked my hand and some of it went flying. In retrospect, what I should have done is just waste the dry ingredients and start over, but I didn’t. I tried to judge how much had spilled and I added what I thought was correct. I misjudged the leaveners…
But I added the milk and whiskey and it smelled yummy.

The next boo-boo came when I tried to transfer the batter to the bundt pan – the mixer bowl is so heavy. Trying to do this with one hand is really impossible, so I just used a large spoon and it took for-ev-er. By now my legs are tired, my hand is weak, and I’m starting to get shaky. So I stick the pan in the oven, set the timer, and go back to the TV to relax. Have any of you bakers figured a step I forgot to complete? You’ll see soon! The buzzer went off. I hobbled in, took the cake out, and set the timer again for the rest period (the cake’s, not mine!) After that brief interval, I got the plate ready, and tried to transfer the cake. Here’s the missing step – I didn’t grease the pan! I couldn’t get the cake out. Finally, it just fell out, in pieces. Something else also began to fall – tears!

So, what to do? I couldn’t start over; it was too late. So, I just got a bottle of wine from the stash, and that would have to be the hostess gift. By now I had to get dressed – remember, I had all my gear downstairs. Unfortunately, I was so worn out that I had a very difficult time – legs wouldn’t cooperate, hands were weak, so it took forever. I only used a minimum of makeup, but I kept smearing it because I was so shaky. I could barely walk with my walker to the car, and it took me forever to get into our friends’ house. But that’s the where the bad things stopped. The rest of the evening went smoothly, and we had a great time.

Have I learned anything? Yes! Do any baking the day before and only with help available. Get dressed in the morning and just sit quietly so you don’t mess up your outfit. When an evening is planned, do absolutely nothing during the day. Oh, and the whiskey cake pieces were yummy!

Peace,
Muff

Drag Along Cassidy

2011-06-04T11:12:00.003-04:00

That’s how I feel some days – just dragging along. When I tend to get tired – either from overdoing, or lack of sleep, or weather – I just can’t seem to get myself in gear, and I drag. This past week was a full one – the holiday, going with Hubby on errands, babysitting, now puppy sitting, sons over for dinner, general chores – and catching up on rest is difficult. I find that if I overdo on one day, I can rest on the following day, and be ready again on the third day. I tried to do this – even followed my horoscope concerning it, but today I’m dragging. Usually that wouldn’t be a bad thing, because I can rest (get bored) on Saturdays. But I agreed to go to our friends’ house for dinner, and I even suggested that I bring dessert!

Whenever I make plans like that, I always see myself as having the energy to keep those dates and commitments. Then the day rolls around and I’m kicking myself. So, I’m trying to be organized and systematic today, in order to preserve any energy that I possess. I took a lo-o-ong time showering and dressing this morning – being sure to rest and sit a lot. Now I’ll just dawdle on the computer and get a little more rest. I have a simple cake recipe – whiskey bundt cake – and I’ll do that when I’m finished here. I even decided to bring downstairs all that I’ll need to get ready for our dinner. My outfit change and make up are all lined up, so I can just do that down here rather than dragging myself up the stairs again. It may have added more minutes to my morning routine, having to pack up all my gear, but I’ll be thankful later.

Isn’t it a pain in the zarch to have to so much pre-planning? It really was not that long ago when I still had the energy and ability to go up and down the stairs several times a day, get changed easily, and head out for the evening. Now, it requires a ten-step list and a great deal of planning ahead. Even with that kind of organizing, though, I know I’ll still be kind of wobbly by this evening. Hubby will need to help me get into the car, have my walker ready when we arrive, help me up the few steps to our friends’ door, and move me into the room. Fortunately, this is the home of one of my ‘angels,’ and she understands my limitations. There will be another couple there, though, and I know my embarrassment will show. They know I’m disabled, and they’ve seen me with my walker, but they’ve never seen how clumsy I am in social situations. I’ll just do the best I can. We won’t stay late, and I’ll get to bed on time. While we’re there, I’ll keep Hubby close, to fix my plate, to keep me from tripping, and to get me from place to place.

Gone are the days when we’d get (or make) a call and set up plans for the evening. No more spontaneous fun for me! Now every little item must be thought out ahead, planned, and be time adjusted if I’m going anywhere. But I know I have to follow this procedure if I want to have a life.

It really is a drag…

Peace,
Muff

Memory Lane Revisited [finale]

2011-06-03T10:42:00.004-04:00

Usually when I arrive at the intersection of Memory Lane and Reality Road, I always veer to the left. My recent journey there, however, only lasted for two senses – smell and hearing. While old photos or dreams stir up visual memories, and certain tastes conjure up those days of yore, I have no connection to the tactile sense and no desire to stay on this street for very long this time.

Recently, though, I had a hankering for some old time music. At my mother’s nursing home, a young lady, Christine, comes to entertain each month. Sometimes she plays Music Bingo, playing some oldies on her keyboard and singing to the residents while they find the song on their bingo boards, then she gives little prizes to the winners. At other times, she plays Name That Tune and centers the songs on seasons and holidays. If the residents seem overly tired, or cranky, she just plays music and sings. Christine is a total anachronism – she’s only in her twenties, but knows so much about older music. When she played some older summer music last week, I was transported back to my childhood when my parents played music all the time. The tunes become familiar again, and the lyrics fall into place. I love watching my mother sing along and remembering words – there’s some sort of magic working there.

My parents spent their youth listening to big bands, and they swore it was the greatest music ever made. I began to recognize Glenn Miller (their favorite) every time they played an album. I knew Count Basie, Tommy Dorsey, and other bands by the time I was able to understand music! When I was small, we always had a stereo or record player playing music. Mom and Dad had ‘45s’ as well, and they put a plastic insert into those smaller records to fit on the player. Then it was Patti Page, Rosemary Clooney, Nat King Cole, Peggy Lee, and so many others. When Elvis was the rage, they didn’t care for him (or so they said!) and when the Beatles came along, they called them ‘a flash in the pan.’ When I became a teenager, I had to listen to my parents’ music in the car, and I just began to know all their songs by heart! Andy Williams, Perry Como, Bobby Darin – though not of my era were still etched in my brain. I had an aunt and uncle who were old enough to be (and acted as) my grandparents. They liked even older songs and Broadway musicals. So my repertoire was large.

Now, when I hear those old standards, the words come back easily and I sing along. When Christine would ask her audience to ‘name that tune in four notes,’ I knew every one. One time, she asked me how I knew so many songs, and of course, I credited my mother and other ‘ancestors.’ So now, when she needs a song identified, and the residents can’t do it, she turns to me, and the brain clicks in with the answer, then the lyrics. Listening to, and singing along with In the Good Old Summertime, Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer, High Hopes, How Much Is That Doggy in the Window, and all the patriotic numbers – America the Beautiful, God Bless America, I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, You’re a Grand Old Flag – really brought back some happy memories. And they put a happy, though wistful, smile on my mother’s face. I think we were both tapping our toes for the rest of the day.

But as with all nice trips, this one is over – I’m putting myself in reverse, and making a U-Turn back to the present. I’ll pack away all the scents and aromas, and I’ll put the vinyl back in its sleeve. Time to re-enter the present day and deal with what’s happening around me.

Peace,
Muff

I'll Be Away

2011-06-02T09:02:00.003-04:00

Once again, Little Guy will be here shortly, so my day is cut out for me! I’ll be back tomorrow. Enjoy your day!

Peace,
Muff

Memory Lane Revisited [part one]

2011-06-01T11:29:00.003-04:00

My daughter, the psychologist, and I were having a conversation the other day about memories. I told her that my senses often trigger a memory that I thought was lost. I find that especially true with the sense of smell. She went off into some psychobabble explanation, and ended up by saying, “It’s all a part of growing old.” I almost smacked her! I think she may have a minor point, but I’ve always been this way – before I grew ‘old!!!’ My memory – long AND short term – was never affected that much by MS, nor by, ahem, age. Friends from high school always rely on me to have the details of an event firmly planted in my brain, and with a quick retrieval system, I can give them an answer.

As I mentioned, certain smells trigger memories of the past and I’m able to relive the exact scent I need. For example, the other day I smelled remnants of a firecracker, and I drifted back to the days when we played with ‘caps.’ This was before I was anti-guns, and at five or six, I doubt if I knew what a pacifist was! I just remember getting a roll of red caps, winding them around a spool in my play gun, and after firing, the smell of burnt sulfur remained. We also used to unroll them on the sidewalk, and bang the black circles with a stone to see the sparks fly and hear them pop. All this from a slight aroma.

I also smelled the aroma of food cooking on a grill, and it took me back to the days of my father being an outdoor chef. He designed and built a barbecue off to one side of our yard. It was made of bricks with marble slabs. My mother added her own design touch, and it became like a summer outdoor kitchen. Back then, my dad used charcoal and wood chips, and the smell wafted through the air. I could see the picnics we had, all the parties, and the overly piled tables of good food. For me, they were the good old summer days.

The scent of certain flowers will evoke reminiscence of gone-by gardens. In every house we lived, my parents always had beautiful gardens, and each one held different memories. I can see the tall rosebushes (they probably only seemed so big because I was so small) in every color and hue, and every house had them. My mother would have sweet smelling lilac, or heady gardenias, or gentle honeysuckle growing near to the house so the scents migrated indoors. I never liked the smell of marigolds, and now we plant them as borders only on the gardens farther away from the house.

The scent of a certain soap, or talc, or creams brings back the memories of long baths on a summer afternoon, followed by naps near a breezy window. We made lemonade the other day for the little guy, and I could see my mother with her ‘squeezer’ churning out the tart refresher for us. Breyers ice cream (vanilla especially) almost screams summer at me – that nearly imperceptible aroma is so reminiscent of my childhood. And don't even get me started on the smell of saltwater!

So maybe Dr. Katie was right – maybe it is a part of old age that we remember so much of our youth when a certain sense triggers it. I just know it’s a pleasant reminder of days that were slow and worry free, of times that were without pain and misfortune, and an era that was filled with good feelings.

Peace,
Muff

Following Orders

2011-05-31T10:25:00.004-04:00

Once again, my daily horoscope showed up in my email. It’s because I subscribe to an online health column, and my name goes into the barrel to receive countless emails about other subjects. Oh well, that’s what the delete button is for! I mentioned a few times here that I don’t believe in horoscopes, but I still like to read them. I don’t adhere to the warning, and rarely can I see any connection to my life. But they’re amusing, so I continue to read it each day.

This morning told me that it’s the last day of the lunar cycle and I should complete all unfinished projects. [laugh, laugh!!] It doesn’t bother me anymore to know how many projects need completion – I’ll get to them when I’m good and ready. Many of these ‘projects’ involve the Hubby, and that involves reminding him over and over; so eventually I quit. My horoscope also advised me to reflect on what I created in the past month. Huh? That would be nothing. Ergo, no reflection needed!

The highlight of the paragraph was the emphasis on relaxation! Now that part I’ll gladly follow. ‘Take it easy; energy levels are low.’ No kidding, Sherlock! In that same area, I was told to complete any important jobs early and leave the rest go. Now that sounds familiar. Yesterday, I had my usual burst of energy in the morning, so I completed all my cooking chores. Then, when the daughter and little guy arrived, we went to visit my mother. They were having a Memorial Day Program for the residents. Unfortunately, it was actually a celebration of our service men and women. Now that’s fine, but it’s not what the day is about. We have Veterans Day in November to honor those people who served, and last weekend, we had Armed Forces to salute those who are currently in service. This holiday calls us to remember those who died while serving their nation. So, we should have been doing that, but instead, we had a gal from the Air Force, currently stationed at McGuire AFB, speak about her experiences as an AF nurse. Don’t get me wrong, it was great, but not the right tribute.

Anyway, the rest of yesterday’s afternoon was slow and easy paced. Little guy got overly tired and fell asleep at dinner in his high chair. I thought about joining him! Then I got a second wind, and did some work after the house emptied out, and today, I’ll follow my horoscope. It was also suggested that I hold off on major decisions or purchases – another guffaw. In the evening I’m supposed to be social, but not get involved in misunderstandings. I’m again told to relax and prepare for tomorrow’s solar eclipse.

Now, I’m definitely picking and choosing here, but that taking-it-easy part appeals to me. Hubby is golfing (fool, it’s 95º!!) and I can watch movies and read all day – no going out, no meals to plan. So, Little Miss Lazy here will be doing nothing. By tomorrow, I’ll be antsy again, and I’ll see what the stars have planned for me!

Peace,
Muff

Happy Memorial Day

2011-05-30T10:16:00.003-04:00

...and Thank You to those who went before us...

Peace,
Muff

It Must Be I

2011-05-28T10:48:00.004-04:00

Can we talk? I had planned on finding some great sayings and facts connected with Memorial Day, and I may still do that, but right now, I have to get this whole blogger thing fixed.

Here’s what I do – stop me if you see the error!
1. I go to my blog and see the front page with my latest post.
2. I click on the ‘sign in’ button at the top right.
3. This takes me to my dashboard, where I see there are x amount of comments.
4. At the top right of my dashboard page, it shows my ‘email address, dashboard, my account, help, sign out.’
5. I click on the comments, go to that page, read them, check the boxes, and hit publish.
6. Then I hit ‘view blog’ and go there to respond to the comments.
7. BUT…. Now at the top right, it again shows the ‘sign in’ button, NOT the ‘email address, etc.’
8. I can still click on the comments, I can add my own, and they all show up at the end of the post.
9. Now I go to read other blogs. On some, I can comment; on others, it asks me to choose an option from a drop-down menu.
10. I click on Google account, and I add my information [email address and password]
11. This takes me back to the comment page and it starts all over.
12. Judy at “Peace Be With You” gave me a suggestion and I followed it, but I’m still not succeeding.
13. What am I doing wrong? Why is this lasting so long? Why are others able to comment on all the blogs with their correct names? Why do I have to be ‘anonymous’ on so many comment sections?
14. I need help [in more ways than one!]
15. It Must Be I…

Anyway, I’ll try again now to read and comment; then I’m off to get my holiday décor going. I guess I’m just not the techie I thought I was!!

Peace,
Muff

Again...

2011-05-27T12:01:00.003-04:00

Once again, I'm having problems with commenting. If I sign in as anonymous, you'll know why. Wish I could correct whatever is wrong here. My regular post is below...

Getting Ready...

2011-05-27T11:11:00.003-04:00

Once again, we’re kicking off the unofficial start of summer and lately, around here, it feels like it! We’ve been experiencing some very hot, humid weather, and those gentle spring breezes seem to have evaporated. Once again the back A/C went out, and this time no repairs could be done. I could have handled it if the back door wasn’t constantly being opened and closed (hint to Hubby!!!) With the shades drawn, and lights out, it didn’t feel all that bad. Nevertheless, with the excuse of ‘helping me’ and trying to keep the baby comfortable, off went the gallant knight to purchase a new unit (another expense I hadn’t counted on!) The delivery guys were due first thing yesterday – they arrived at 1:30. The little guy was napping in this room with the big ceiling fan working and the room not getting any sun until late in the day. Unfortunately, I had shopping that needed doing, and I didn’t trust Hubby. So off we went in my wheel chair with little guy on my lap and finished in just over an hour. But the heat was wicked – even without MS, you feel drained, and as I mentioned, I’m really more affected by cold than heat, but this was h-o-t!! By dinner time the A/C was clicking in and everyone was cool again. Now I have to prepare for the Memorial Day weekend.

My kids haven’t decided what they want to do, so I’m leaving everything open. I’ll have food prepared and in the fridge, so if and when they (or anyone else) stop by, I’ll be ready. Actually, we never do a big deal with Memorial Day – in the past, I was always so busy with school. When I taught, this was the time of year to prepare for class trip, dinner dance, final grades, and graduation. I still remember spending this weekend working at my desk until the wee hours. When my parents were well, we usually spent the holiday dinner with them. I also remember that the weather wasn’t always this warm and summer-like. We had holidays that were definitely quite cool. Years ago, we would go to the shore, but that ended when I went back to teaching. Even as a principal, I still had a lot going on as the end of the year approached. Once I disabled-retired, I could never get back into big holiday parties for this one.

So, I’ll have chicken marinated, fish ready, burgers prepared, and they can all be grilled quickly. I’ll make my potato salad (that’s all my kids will eat – no store-bought for them [spoiled brats!] and it’s a waste to buy it.) Sometimes I make coleslaw, but I’m just going to do a pasta salad this year. I’ll have plenty of nibbling veggies on a platter, and there will be bags of “junk food” for anyone who wants it. This year, I think I’ll make ambrosia for dessert, and that’s it. The weather is predicted to be a little cooler than today’s 90º temps, so we may take the baby outside in the shade for a bit. Just simple plans… my kind of day...

How does everyone spend the holiday weekend?

Peace,
Muff

A Little Giggle!

2011-05-26T09:30:00.003-04:00

We have the baby today, so I'm leaving you with this funny story. Someone sent it to me via email, and I don't do forwards. I found this one amusing and maybe not so far fetched!?!

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy
hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry,
gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room,
a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and
all have free shampoo and soap.
$5.00 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff
scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and
seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up
(if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and
eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing?
Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security guard and daily room
service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip,
Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool. What more could you ask?

So when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin!

sorry

2011-05-25T12:15:00.003-04:00

my regular post appears below, but i needed to let everyone know that i can't make comments on your posts -- i can't even complete a sign-on! i am reading, am commenting, but they're floating around as litter on the information superhighway.

So, How Would I React?

2011-05-25T10:57:00.003-04:00

With all my talk yesterday about miracles and cures, I got to thinking…What if I were actually miraculously cured? How would I react? I think that’s the only way I’d actually be cured since I’ve just about given up hope that any scientific discovery will be made in my lifetime. When I was first diagnosed (’04), there seemed to be one mode of thought as to causation – the body’s immune system attacked itself and eroded the myelin sheath of the nerve, resulting in a loss of impulse to the nerves in the Central Nervous System. I may not have understood all the finer details, but the information I had seemed to suffice.

I read articles that weren’t overly scientific, and I tried to understand how a cure would happen. The ones that most interested me were those about myelin repair. I really believed that course would be the best route towards a cure or permanent treatment. Then the whole CCSVI issue arose and now that’s created armed camps in the pro and anti corners. I’ve read and watched videos about patients who were convinced they were ‘cured’, and the before and after clips seemed to support that assumption. Yet others saw no change in their symptoms. If I could be convinced the treatment would work, I’d be dashing off to have it done, but I’m still very skeptical.

In the beginning, I was so naïve that I really believed medication alone could make me well again. I dutifully injected myself and kept waiting for a change – none occurred. Back then, I really had high hopes that I would get better – such a dreamer! When reality finally hammered down the door of my thick skull, and I began to understand that the meds would have no effect on me, I still believed that science would find an answer and we’d all be dancing in the streets. For the record, those rose-colored glasses shattered along with the hopes I held. I hate to say I’ve given up all hope of getting well again, but I’m pretty sure that particular virtue has flown the coop.

So what’s left for me but a miracle? I have to believe they exist. This again is not denial! I do accept how serious this disease is, and I do accept that I may continue to get worse; however, I also know that constantly thinking about it will end up in depression. So I look for ways that miracles could happen. But what if I were suddenly (or even gradually) cured? What if I woke up and my legs worked again? What if I could walk again, or had the use of my hand, or gained back my strength? What if all the spasms just disappeared? How would I react?

I think I’d be screaming at the top of my lungs in thanksgiving. I’d be letting everyone know the real me was back. I’d dance for hours. I’d write my signature and draw and paint and do needlework. I’d jump in the car and drive. And I would try to erase so many bad years… but would that be the right thing to do? What if not everyone was cured? I know I’d have to try and help them by giving back. I don’t think I could go back to work – the age thing… employers would rather have someone hired for twenty years rather than ten. So I’d have to look into other means of support. Of course I’d volunteer – that’s part of my nature.

Such silly daydreams… but they keep me going sometimes. How about you? Do you believe there will be a cure for MS in your lifetime? How would you react?

Peace,
Muff

When I Get Behind...

2011-05-24T10:52:00.003-04:00

…I don’t even try anymore to catch up. It just gets me frustrated and out of sorts. It’s not like I have a job or real work to do – I’m just trying to keep to my self-imposed schedule. When I fall behind, I no longer push to complete all that I’ve planned. I just move on. That’s where I am now. I usually follow the same pattern each day, including doing things on the computer. With our babysitting two days a week, that became impossible. So, I have to keep moving, and just forget about it.

Once the little guy arrived yesterday, it seemed like a whirlwind of activity. First, he has to show me all of his new actions, say all his new words, dump out his toys that we keep here and act as if they’re brand new, and examine all his favorite spots. By then it’s lunchtime and since he’s feeling much better, his appetite has increased. After lunch and a “change,” we usually go to visit my mother, but I decided to let him get completely well before he enters that atmosphere again. Instead, we went to my church where they were having a display of relics. (More on that in a minute…) My scooter is still not working, so we used the lightweight transport chair since it was a longer distance than the walker alone could handle.

Then a short ride home and snack time was next on the agenda. More play, reading books, music, and a walk in the stroller with “Poppy” before dinner. Finally a change into jammies and the Mommy comes to take him home. Nanny drops into the chair, exhausted but happy. Unfortunately, the piper must be paid, and by this morning, I was feeling the results. My walking was off and I was much weaker than usual. Hubby was out running errands when I realized I couldn’t get out of the shower! My bad leg just wouldn’t cooperate! That effort took fifteen minutes and rendered me even more exhausted. I finally finished and made it downstairs when Hubby arrived, saying, “Why are you so late this morning?” I made a joke out of it, and laid a lot of blame on “old age.” He may have believed me…

In the end, I just need to have an easy day. I’ll rest (even nap, if needed) and not be concerned over what I can’t finish – it’s not that important. I feel bad, though, when people comment on a post here, and I don’t get back to them – I just have to hope they understand!

About the relics… the what: relics are something (cloth from an article of clothing, wood, stone, even a piece of bone or skin) having belonged to a canonized saint which are thought to bring about miraculous results if touched. I believe it can happen; it just never did to me. Yesterday’s display was a traveling exhibit with over a hundred artifacts. The exhibition was in the auditorium, and long tables held the displays, each in a small gold case. There were short bios, and explanations of each saint’s patronage. If it’s a “saint-in-waiting,” that is he/she has not been declared a bone fide saint yet, prayers to that “blessed” person may also result in a miracle and that person gets a jump start to becoming a saint. Even if you rub an object against the relic, it’s still supposed to grant miracles. So, I held the little guy on my lap, and Hubby pushed us around, while he rubbed a cross against each relic. (I think he’s really hoping this whole miracle thing will happen! I’ll let you know if it does!) That, in a nutshell, is the relic story, for those who might be interested.

Peace,
Muff

Do I Really Want To Know?

2011-05-23T10:33:00.003-04:00

I joined Facebook two years ago, and I’ve enjoyed it. I was very careful when people from my past began to ask me to “friend” them – especially former students. If I saw an old classmate, I’d sign in with them right away, and any family members that requested my “friendship,” I gladly accepted. There were also some folks from my MS Message Board on there, and the ever-present TV shows and their stars. Mostly I liked it to see photos and videos; I rarely commented, except to rave about my darling grandbaby!

Then I got a few friend requests that I wanted to ignore, but before I did, I needed to know a few things. (I’m so nosy!!) So, I “friended” three people who had problems when I knew them. I suppose I had hoped that things in their lives had gotten better or that they had turned themselves around. One was a boy (he’s now a man) who was an average student, but whose parents wanted to be a genius. He was extremely small and young looking for his age, and his mother was a real she-bear. I hadn’t planned on friending him until a friend from grad school asked me to do so. (Evidently, the two had met, and my name came up. The former student “Mike” thought I’d never want to hear from him, and he told everyone he was a terrible student. Not true on either account!) Now I see regular messages from a guy who so many years later still gets depressed, can’t seem to settle down, and tries living a wild lifestyle to compensate. Do I really need to know this?

Then there was the young lady, “Susie,” I knew when I was a principal. She had a difficult life – parents were wealthy, but got involved with drugs and abandoned the girl and her older brother and sister to the grandparents, who tried their best to give them a stable family life. This girl was constantly stirring up trouble and became a pathological liar. She had learning disabilities which were being addressed, but she had a mouth on her, and on more than a few occasions, I had to meet with her grandmother. Now she’s older, her grandfather passed away, and she’s constantly embroiled in some feud on FB. I get the impression that she’s still a liar and can’t keep meaningful friendships. Do I really need to know this?

Finally, there’s someone from the MS Boards, “Violet,” that is on FB constantly. She’s always complaining, trying to get sympathy from others, and just a real blowhard. Her every personal act or thought is published, and now she uses videos to seek support it all. Intimacies best left inside one’s home are spread out on the internet for all to see. Do I really need to know this?

I guess I’ll have to quietly delete them from my friends list, but I feel funny doing that. Will they know? Will they think I’ve given up on them? I don’t feel like being a part of all their angst, but I also don’t want to cause more. I think I should have followed my original plan and not “friend” everyone I ever knew! Just my Monday morning thoughts…

Peace,
Muff

Which is Worse, Hot or Cold?

2011-05-21T10:48:00.003-04:00

For most MSers, I think the heat is their worst enemy. I see ads for cooling vests, and other cool-down paraphernalia in the MS magazines and online. I also read blogs and message boards where folks post about the effects of the heat. I know I’m affected, but not as much as I am by the cold.

When I was running the gamut of neurologists in order to get a diagnosis, I remember them all asking if my symptoms got worse in the heat or after a hot shower. My response was always, “No.” My current neuro did explain that many decades ago, that’s how MS was diagnosed – they put a patient into a tub of hot water and if the symptoms got worse, it was MS. People would stand around and wait to see how the patient responded. Seriously? They really did that? First of all, I would not have been sitting around naked in a tub while people watched! Then, I wouldn’t have shown any worsening, So, I never would have gotten a diagnosis that way.

There was only one time when the heat seemed to affect me adversely – the day of my daughter’s wedding. In retrospect, though, I’m thinking it was actually stress rather than heat that made me go sour. Over a year of planning, down to the tiniest detail, reached its culmination that day, and I felt the anxiety. True, I was standing outdoors for an hour, waiting for the photographer to finish. And it was over ninety degrees – a small oddity for late May. Plus, the sun was on my neck the entire time. I went to move, and I couldn’t take a step – I was completely glued to that spot. My sons ended up carrying me carefully to the car. Once I was inside the reception, sat down, and had some cool drinks, I was fine. So the heat may have played a factor in the breakdown, but I still think it was more the stress.

Now the cold has a terrible effect on me. I dread going out on cold days, and I know I’m much worse when the temperature drops. There is a combination of factors at work. First is the need for a heavy jacket – even the lighter weight synthetics are bulky. I find it hard to move freely and I get hunched up. I expend a great amount of energy getting in and out of the car with the added weight of coats. I find that I tend to compact my body involuntarily, and I’m stiff when I go back indoors. Shivering also produces negative results – almost like muscle spasms. My feet feel like blocks of ice, and my fingers resemble icicles. Even with extra layers, I’m cold. I can’t get boots on my feet anymore with my brace, and my hand is so curled up, I only wear one glove (ala Michael Jackson!) That’s why I never miss it when winter takes its exit.

I began thinking about this because we may be getting some very warm weather this week. Two weeks ago, we had bright sunshine, cool breezes, and seventy degree temps. This past week was rainy and gray. Now, today is beautiful, but the predictors say we’ll have eighties by Monday. Hubby scrambled to have the A/C in the back of the house repaired, claiming it was for me. He can’t rid himself of the memory of my meltdown four years ago, despite the fact that I try to convince him that stress was the major culprit. If I tell him that the cold affects me more, he waves it off.

So what about everyone else? Do your symptoms worsen in the heat or does the cold have an adverse effect on you? Am I the oddball again?

Peace,
Muff

Not Denial, Exactly, But...

2011-05-20T11:01:00.004-04:00

When I start to see I’m getting the blues about circumstances over which I have no control, I try to redirect my thoughts elsewhere. When I became stuck in the worry mire about all the needed repairs around here, or when I see myself having new symptoms, or when I look at how much decline has occurred in my general being, it’s usually a sign that I’m going to get depressed. I’m not talking clinical depression here, just sadness. I want to curl up in a ball and just cry. (Actually, I have done that a few times!) Then I scare myself, knowing that if I allow it, I really could dive into depression quickly. So how do I handle it? Like any other intelligent (yeah, right), mature (age or personality?), sane (excuse my laughter!) person would do – I try to escape!

Now I’m not talking denial here – that’s a whole different entity where one refuses to accept reality. I’m not doing that – I know the truth, and while not liking it, I do accept it. But I cannot allow myself to dwell on it constantly, so I find ways to get around it. The last few days, I was wallowing – putting needless worries in the forefront of my mind. If there’s nothing I can personally do about a situation, then I have to let it go. That’s not easy, but the alternative (constantly fretting) is worse. So, I don’t deny that things are bad – in some cases, very bad, but there’s nothing in my power to ameliorate conditions. I also don’t think I’m burying my head in the sand. I recognize conditions, I realize problems exist, and I know that nothing I do will change them.

Then comes the questions – how do I escape? What means do I use to let the worries and problems not be a part of me? For me, there are different methods. I can get lost in a TV show or movie. Okay, that may not be the most intelligent scheme, but it works. Last night, after a miserable baseball loss, I checked our DVR queue so we could watch something. Hubby said (concerning the show,) “That’s just not the way things really are.” I reminded him of Coleridge’s quote about fiction, “…the willing suspension of disbelief.” If I can’t find a decent show, I can work on a crossword puzzle or cryptogram (sudokos frustrate me) and get enmeshed in the quest. Karen (at Meandering) talked about yoga yesterday, and I do want to get back into the relaxation and meditation. Reading is still my all-time favorite escape mechanism, though.

So, when things get tough, the Tough begins to read. I can form mental pictures as I read words. I can envision how the characters speak, move, and look. I can forget where I am and who’s around me. That’s what I call getting lost in a book. Does it solve the problems I try to escape? Hardly! But it does take me away from the worries for a time. Sure, I eventually have to return to the real world, but for some reason, I’m not as sad when I reenter my normal atmosphere.

Right now, I’m gathering up the books I have due at the library, and I’m heading there to get some new ones. Worries don’t have a chance once I have a book in my hand. Ahhh, reading --- take me away!

Peace,
Muff

I Live in a Broken Home

2011-05-19T10:44:00.003-04:00

No, Hubby and I are still together – we made it this far, we may as well hang in there for the long haul!! What I mean is that everything around here is breaking! I wrote about the washer some time back, and now it’s fine. Then the refrigerator began to act up. That too has been fixed. Next it was the phone. Then everything began to go.

Before I left the working population, we had planned to have the exterior of the house redone – Hubby was getting prices, and I was into colors. We wanted to change the white for a gray/beige, and the trim would be black. That way, I could do different color schemes with flowers. Even though the roof was all right, we could get a good price by doing it all plus windows! While it was a great deal when a nice salary is there, those plans were heaped on the trash pile once I stopped working, along with so many other things. Now, after three years, it’s no longer something we just want to do – it’s nearing the point of must do. Some of the shingles are in need of repair, and the trim which is now in a burgundy shade, needs touch-ups. We definitely need to replace some windows, and the roof is showing signs of aging. Hubby just looks at it and sighs.

Inside, the appliances now seem to be holding up for the most part, but we need work on the air conditioning in the back part of the house. With summer coming and my need to stay cool, that has to go on the ‘must do’ list. Each time something goes on that list, something from the ‘want to’ list suffers. I don’t think we’ve done anything on that list in a long time! That’s more of a ‘wish list’ or a ‘fairy godmother’ agenda – they probably won’t ever happen.

Last week I accidently pulled a thread on one of my favorite pairs of slacks, and it created a torn seam. At first I tried to do it by hand, but it just wasn’t happening. So, I asked Hubby to get my sewing machine out – haven’t seen it in several years. I bought a portable one to be able to do light repair work, then promptly stored it in a closet. I preferred my old console, but that’s too heavy to be lugged out of storage. So, I read the manual on the portable and knew what I was doing until I had to thread the bobbin. I opened the hatch and inadvertently disconnected the whole mechanism. Now I can’t fix it, and Hubby doesn’t know what I did. So, it will have to go to the sewing machine ER, but that has to be on the ‘want to’ list. Now I have no machine and still no slacks.

The car was just tuned up a few weeks ago, but now the engine light is on. So that means another mechanic visit – on the ‘must do’ list. I’m sure others would just leave it go, but since I gave my car away, this is our only means of transportation. I know Hubby wants to get a SUV or station wagon, but that has to go on the ‘want to’ list as well.

The final straw came yesterday when once again, my scooter stopped working. It was raining and we were in the parking lot of my mother’s nursing home. Hubby got the scooter out and then ran to get the door. When I pushed the throttle, nothing happened. Hubby ran back and tried all different things – no luck. So I struggled in with my walker, and one of the workers ran up with a wheel chair to help me. Now the scooter has to go back to the same mechanic who fixed it a few months ago, and I have to give into the w/c again.

So, I’m quite fed up with all the ‘brokenness’ around me! I so wanted to start on the ‘want to’ list, but that keeps fading more and more into the background. I think with MS and disability, that must happen a lot.

Peace,
Muff

Lazy or More?

2011-05-18T10:34:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just plain lazy! I know, I know, MS fatigue can be murder when it hits, but doesn’t it come and go? I don’t think it’s an all-time symptom, but one that crops up from overdoing or a relapse. Well, I’m not overdoing (right now) and I really don’t have exacerbations, but I’ve been feeling really tired. I wrote one time (I think) that I probably have Primary Progressive MS because I never really had relapses – I just got worse at a slow pace. So, no, I don’t think I’m going through one now. Depression? That’s possible, but I usually don’t experience that symptom to any great degree. I just feel very tired – not necessarily sleepy, but tired.

I know emotions can cause fatigue, and I’ve been worrying about my little grandson who has been so sick. I thought I’d get over it once I was with him, and could check him out, but he was here on Monday, and I’m still worried. My daughter keeps taking him to the pediatrician, who continues to say he has a virus. When I had him, he was so listless, and he slept a lot. That’s not his normal behavior, and I just held him for long periods of time, trying to will him to be better. So perhaps the fretting has caused this fatigue. Or maybe I’ve been concentrating too hard on the MS and how I seem to be declining more. I’m not sure, but whatever it is, it’s causing a great deal of fatigue.

It used to be that I’d tire myself out after just making the bed, showering, and getting dressed. Now, I’m worn out just brushing my teeth. Hubby said he’d do the bed from now on, and I didn’t argue. I’m wearing summer gear now, so the weight of the clothes isn’t affecting me. I take tepid showers, so it isn’t the heat factor. I want to go back to bed shortly after I’m up. I struggle through the washing and dressing, and I sit a lot while doing that. The lo-o-ong walk downstairs really isn’t as bad as I make it seem, but when I reach the bottom landing, I just want to collapse. Hubby gets my breakfast, and it’s there waiting for me, but now he has to carry it into the breakfast room for me. He’ll ask if I slept all right, and I assure him I did (sometimes for nine hours!!) All day long, I yawn!

I’ll make it through the morning because I’m just sitting and typing, but even the one-handed typing makes me tired. I’ll really begin to feel the brunt of this fatigue by early afternoon. We’ll visit my mother, and I’ll paste on a smile for the residents, all the while just wanting to crawl into a ball and sleep. I only have a few (like four) steps to go from the car to the scooter, but it seems like a mile, and once I reach it, I just sit there before I move. I read in the car so that keeps me awake, but once we get home, I sit on my loveseat and doze off – for twenty to thirty minutes. When I get on the computer after that, I feel better, but it wears off quickly.

Is it just fatigue? Am I becoming lazy? Will I ever get any energy back? When I worked I took meds to help me with the tired feeling – Provigil, then L-Carnatine, finally Focalin XR. All of them helped to some extent, but I’m not working now, so I stopped taking anything. Here’s my plan: if I continue to feel so sluggish, and if I can’t get back my energy to some extent, then I’ll consider taking a med again. I think I’ll also research what foods can jump start me. For now, I’ll just nap.

Peace,
Muff

Trying Unsuccessfully Not To Look Ahead

2011-05-17T10:36:00.003-04:00

I always see recommendations that we live in the present, not longing for the past or obsessing about the future. I try, but I really don’t succeed. I enjoy looking back and seeing how great my life was, and I love reviewing all the memories. When my mind shifts and begins to look into what will come, I get quite frightened. Staying in the here-and-now is a safety zone, but I drift so often.

Lately, besides just being nostalgic about my past, I’ve been trying to figure out some things about the years ahead. (If the predictions about the world ending on Saturday come true, I may have no worry at all!) I keep wondering what it will be like on the day I can no longer walk. Right now, I’m still wobbling along, but I know my legs are getting weaker. The decline has been gradual, but there nonetheless. In a decade, I’ve gone from walking with a slight limp and fatigue, to using a cane occasionally, to using one full time, to having a cane and someone’s arm, to a walker and occasional scooter use. Even in the house, I never used a cane – I just wall walked; now, I use the walker all the time on the first floor.

Staying on one floor with a walker also reminds me of stairs. Those stair lift contraptions are expensive, so I just put one hand on the railing and the other hand on the step as I go slowly up. It takes forever for me to go up or down. That’s why I only do each action once a day. So how will all that work out if I can’t walk? Moving to a smaller place, all on one floor, or even apartment dwelling is an option; however, the way the economy is, along with the real estate market, it’s just not an opportune time for us to sell. If things keep going as they are, though, both in the world and in me, we may not have a choice!

But I keep thinking about that day – the one where I can no longer walk. Will it just happen suddenly that my legs can’t support me? Will it be a back-and-forth thing where some days I can do it and others I can’t? Will I fall and not be able to stand again? I wish I had a crystal ball so I’d be prepared.

Then I try to think about how we’ll handle it (I say ‘we’ because Hubby will need to play a major role.) Will I just stay in my bedroom all the time? If I begin living only on the first floor, what changes need to be made? I could turn this den where I work on the computer into a small bedroom – we have extra twin beds, night tables, and dressers. Would I need a hospital bed? But there’s a powder room down here and no shower. Will we have to have construction done to add a shower? And that shower – it would have to be large enough to get me in with a wheelchair and onto a shower chair. We’d need to use the space in the breakfast room to do this. With those kinds of upgrades, would the house ever get sold? Would I be able to go out? How would I get in and out of the car? I have two wheelchairs that I ‘inherited’ and both are manual. I’d have to rely on someone always pushing me? How could I afford a power chair – I only have Medicare and a supplemental insurance now?

If it happens that I can’t walk, maybe I’d be better going into a health care facility such as my mother’s. I’d have to be either very wealthy to afford it, or very poor to have state aid. And what would happen to my psyche? Being around another generation constantly must become depressing. Maybe I could do assisted living, but again, how could I afford it?

I also think it might be better that before any of these scenarios need to be activated, I just die. I couldn’t do that myself, but maybe an accident would take care of it. I would no longer worry about ‘what ifs’ and I wouldn’t be burdening anyone. I’m beginning to think that’s the best way out. This mood seems to match the dreary weather we’re having today, but it’s just something I find myself contemplating a lot.

Peace,
Muff

Focusing On Laughter

2011-05-16T10:11:00.004-04:00

I believe that once you’re diagnosed with MS, you land on every MS-connected mailing list. I constantly receive notices about lectures, advertisements about medicines, and magazines. Last week, the edition of MS Focus arrived, and it gave me a few smiles. That was the purpose, actually, since all the articles concerned laughter and its value in sickness. I’m usually a hard sell, but I bought into this theory, and I read nearly all of the articles. There were a few bloggers in there as well, and I really enjoyed reading an MS-related publication.

Then I asked myself, “Self do you really believe that ‘laughter is the best medicine?’” That’s when I realized how long it’s been since I just laughed out loud! Sure I’ll give a little giggle at something funny, or I’ll smile when I feel content (or even to just make others feel happy.) But when was the last time I really had a good laugh? Someone may tell a humorous joke – tee hee. I’ll read something written with a ‘tongue-in-cheek’ attitude – ha ha. There’s a sit com I’m watching – har har. But a really good, non-stop belly laugh? Too long ago…

I can remember, in my past, a lot of times wanting to laugh, and having to stifle it because of my location – usually church, but it’s happened elsewhere, too. I can still visualize that urge rising in me, and bending over to prevent the laugh from escaping. I know the feeling of the tears flooding my eyes because the laugh just wanted a release. Now, I wish I had even those feelings!

I’m not saying I’m not happy – basically I am. I get curmudgeonly over this crappy disease and all the losses I’ve incurred because of it. But my nature, my essence, my inner being is that of a happy soul. I’m just saying that I don’t laugh anymore. I don’t hear/see/feel something hysterically funny and respond by laughing. According to the magazine articles, such laughter can help us physically. So what do I do? Laughter is something you can’t truly fake. It’s either there, or it’s not.

One time, not too long ago, something happened that struck me, and I wanted to laugh. It had been so long since I used those muscles that I got a pain when the laughter began – a stitch in my side – and I stopped at once. Is that it? Do I not laugh because it hurts? I just don’t have the answer.

Am I an oddball? Will the laughter return someday? Is there something wrong with me? Are there others out there, who while feeling somewhat happy, cannot laugh? I need to give this some thought…

Peace,
Muff

I'm Flexible -- Not!

2011-05-14T10:40:00.005-04:00

[Note:I tried to comment on Thursday – Blogger was down. I wanted to post yesterday – Blogger was still down. My Thursday post and comments disappeared. Just wanted to say thanks for the prayers and good thoughts – little guy is doing better. They didn’t think it was Whooping Cough, but were calling it croup, though they’re still not sure. Haven’t heard the term ‘croup’ in ages, but I guess they still use it. With steroids and antibiotics, he should be good to go soon – I just hate to see him so sick. He just keeps coughing with a funny sound, but the doctors are keeping an eye on him. If all goes well, we should have him on Monday, but we’re just keeping him here – no visiting. Thanks again.]

Now, as to the title… I think I mentioned before that I get emails from different groups and one sends me a daily horoscope. I’m not into all that, but I read them anyway. The other day, one of the suggestions was to be flexible. Now that could be taken two different ways, and it got me thinking (sometimes a dangerous practice for me!)

I’m trying hard not to live in the past, but I often find myself visiting there. In those days of yore, I was so physically flexible that I could accomplish just about anything. I can see myself back then, and I wonder how it vanished so completely. I used to wear heels a lot – being short, they gave me some height. I could run all over the place and never trip on those high spikes. Even when I wore more casual shoes, I still moved around quickly. Pictures form in my mind and I see me running down hallways, up and down stairs, and all over my classroom. When I produced my plays, I see myself jumping on and off the stage several times during a rehearsal. When my own kids were young, I’d be lifting them, carrying them, running to and fro. I could have my hands full, and still stop to pick something off the floor and continue moving. I see me here in the house going up and down many stairs several times a day. I’d run out and jump in the car and take off. It seems that I was always moving and being, well, flexible.

Then MS arrived, and little by little, the running game slowed to a walk, then a wobble, and finally a few weak steps with support. I can’t bend or crouch to pick something up without holding a wall or counter, and I have to move very slowly when I do so or I lose my balance and fall. So much for physical flexibility.

The non-physical flexible me has also disappeared when I look back to the olden days. I could change plans in a nano-second and not be bothered in the least. I always had a calendar, day planner, or hand held gadget to keep me on schedule, and it was nothing to erase or cross out an item or move something around. I was flexible. Again, that changed drastically when MS came knocking. Now I pre-plan for everything. I take all contingencies into account. I look ahead to know just what I’ll need. When the schedule changes, it sets me back. I have to go through an entire mental process with each change. Take my planning this past week – much of which went awry – and you can see how it affects me. For almost every day, something was added or removed from my planned schedule, and it sent me reeling each time. I’m no longer, well, flexible.

So, I couldn’t really follow that horoscope advice, even if I wanted to. Flexibility in the era of MS just doesn’t exist. So I bid a sad farewell to yet another area I’ve lost. But, hey, I can look on the bright side – I save money not buying so many shoes, I’m more careful about dropping things that need retrieving, I can be as stubborn as I want when it comes to scheduling, and I can erase a word from my vocabulary vault. Not bad.

Peace,
Muff

I'm Going Bye-Bye

2011-05-11T11:04:00.004-04:00

A while ago, I made arrangements to meet with some old friends for lunch and today’s the day. I can’t work myself into a tizzy. I just have to relax. I’ll be myself. Breathe…

I’ll be back later to report!

Assessments

2011-05-10T10:46:00.003-04:00

As a former educator, I believe strongly in constant assessments of progress, and I went to great lengths as a teacher and principal to use tools that helped me with this practice. This time of year means that teachers and administrators are reviewing how well students performed during the past academic year, and where improvements need to be made. When I taught, May was a hectic time – preparing for graduation, meeting with parents, getting ready for the big dinner dance, but above all, I needed to assess my students (and myself) to see where we all stood. When I became a principal, I didn’t stop reviewing students’ progress. I bought into an online grading system that allowed parents (via a password) to view their child’s grades, and provided me with access to all students in the school. It helped me with teacher assessments as well. Since I visited the classrooms on a daily basis, I knew what was being taught and what procedures were used in the classrooms. Being able to view the view the grades as well, gave me a clearer picture. I met with teachers monthly to review what I had observed in their rooms, to commend them on good practices and innovations, and to recommend change where it was needed. I was a firm believer in assessment.

Now, I sometimes shy away from assessing myself. Where once I prided myself on being able to recognize where improvement was needed; now that ability has faded. I don’t really want to see how I’m doing physically, and often don’t care about making necessary changes. I try to look the other way when I notice something has changed, and I tend to ignore it. Now that’s really dumb! Why do I wait until a symptom becomes so prominent that I can’t disregard it any longer? If I did regular self-assessments, I’d recognize a problem and seek medical help – but I don’t.

Lately, I’ve been looking at how far I’ve traveled down this road of disability. What began as a little limp, a slight weakness in my right leg and foot, has grown so rapidly into almost not being able to walk, not having a functioning right hand, and being totally fatigued after the slightest exertion. Is there anything I could have done to prevent that rapid decline? Probably not, but I’m not always sure I did enough to hold back that quick progression. Would a better diet have helped? Maybe. Would more physical activity have helped? Perhaps. Would a choice of a different medication have helped? Possibly. Would more frequent doctor visits have helped? Who knows. What I do know is that I have to be ever vigilant now so that really, really bad things don’t happen.

Right now, assessing where I am: right foot does lift well, if at all, in spite of an AFO, and right leg is so weak that I have to lift it with my hands to get it into a car or into my bed. Left leg and foot still function, but are weak. On both sides there is no paralysis and I have no numb areas. I use a walker – a cane is no longer enough – and a scooter for longer distances. Right hand can move but fingers don’t operate at will. Fingers curl inward toward palm and have to be moved with my other hand. I can grasp some objects, but I can’t hold a pen, use a needle and thread, handle a paintbrush, or type. I can still see all right, and I do not have eye pain. I get that buzzing sensation in various locations, especially if I’m lying down. I don’t have good balance, and it’s becoming more difficult to move. Total debilitating fatigue can often require just not moving a muscle for a length of time. Sporadic spasms (nice alliteration, right?) can cause muscle cramping in my feet and calves. No recognizable cognitive failure, and no real pain. I have swollen feet and a recurring hip pain that may or may not be due to MS. I take no DMDs or any meds for MS – just a few vitamins, a baby aspirin, and seasonal allergy pills. All in all, it doesn’t sound so bad. But just as in student assessment, what you perceive isn’t always reality. I put on a happy face, and I say I’m fine. So, people think I’m doing well. The truth is that I know I’m not. I don’t like assessments to end in a negative manner, though. So, I’m going to do what is needed to get better results – not sure what that is though. I’ll assess again in a few months.

Peace,
Muff

Monday Musings

2011-05-09T10:13:00.004-04:00

I should do as so many other bloggers do, and have set themes for each day of the week; that way, I would always have my ideas focused and my thoughts organized. I don’t really do revisions on my posts, (as is painfully obvious!) and I usually just give them a cursory reading before I hit the publish button. Not the good practice of an English major or former English teacher. Not even the example to be set by someone who worked for two major newspapers! Oh well, I’ll try to be better. ;-~

Yesterday went fairly well, but got off to a rocky start. My son, who was scheduled to read with me, missed his train and wouldn’t get to church on time. [bad] So I left knowing I’d have to get someone to replace him. When I arrived at church, I ran into someone right away who said they’d cover. [good] Then I went right to the pastor to get the lavaliere mike so I could read from my seat. He informed me that it was going to be used by someone else, and I’d have to reserve it ahead of time if I needed it. Really? [bad] So I thought I’d just do my old hobble up the steps to the podium. [good] Then I saw the big candle parked right where I needed to go. [bad] So, I asked someone else to cover my part. [good, but sad] Then, I see that the person I had asked to cover for my son was replaced by someone whom the pastor wanted. [bad] So, with all that, I decided I’ll finish out my schedule in June, and I’ll resign from that as well. I’m tired of being the problem!

Mothers Day was great – surrounded by the ones I love! Food wasn’t bad either!

I do have a meeting tonight for this newsletter group, but I’m losing interest after yesterday’s fiasco. I’m going to let them know that I can work from home and be a consultant, but I need a break from everything.

I can’t write for too long here – little guy is on his way! So I’ll finish this, get my notes for tonight together, and await the cutie pie. I’ll be back tomorrow. Hope everyone had a good Mothers Day!

Peace,
Muff

Getting Ready For Mothers Day

2011-05-07T10:56:00.004-04:00

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t hosting Mothers Day, and this year is no exception. Before I had children, we did everything at my mother’s house, but we would do the cooking, or we’d bring everything with us. I’m the only one of my siblings that remained here (“Bloom Where You’re Planted”) so I usually organized everything. Once I had children, I still did the planning and doing, but in my own home. I would hear other mothers saying they wanted to go out, but I never did. I liked being at home.

My mother lived with us for ten years, so it made everything easier when the day rolled around. Occasionally, my kids would want to do the meal, but I ended up constantly answering to, “Mom, how do I …. [fill in the chore]?]” So, I decided it was easier for me to just do it and try to keep things simple. If I felt that the cooking was too much, I’d complain, but I’ve always enjoyed creating menus and doing the cooking. I don’t think of it as “working on Mothers Day” as others do.

Tomorrow will be the same. My younger son will attend church with us – we’re both reading. Then we’ll head over to see my mother and feed her the midday meal. I bought her another basket of toiletry items. She has a ton of clothes – that’s all we used to give her as gifts – so I didn’t want to buy anymore. She can always use body wash, moisturizer, powder, etc., so I find pretty baskets and fill it with supplies. My sister has not been home for Mothers Day in eons, so she sends flowers. We’ll stay for a little while, and then my mother will want a nap. So, we’ll leave and know that the girls will get her to the residents’ ice cream social later. At home, I’ll put out simple snacks – veggies, nachos, salsa, and cheese – and the boys will handle drinks. I’m making a mixture of entrees tomorrow. Daughter, little guy, and I will be having asparagus quiche and a tossed salad. The men folk wanted red meat so they can do some steaks (they were on a big sale!) on the grill, onions, and corn. Daughter wanted to do dessert, so that’ll be a surprise. All in all, it will be a nice day. I’ll be with the ones I love, and the rest is of little concern.

When I talk to mothers who don’t spend the day with their kids or prefer to have a day to themselves, I cringe. It may be fine for them, but my happiness doesn’t come from being alone. I need to be with my gang! Last year was my daughter’s first Mothers Day, and we tried to make everything special for her. Now that she’s an old pro, we’ll be able to enjoy ourselves together, while the guys talk sports.

To all of the mothers out there, I wish you all a very Happy Mothers Day! Enjoy!!

Peace,
Muff

Made in the USA and New Job

2011-05-06T11:07:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago ABC World News Tonight did a week long investigation of how many items are no longer manufactured in our country. The reporters took one family home and removed all furniture, appliances, electronics that were made in foreign countries. The result showed an empty house! It really upset me and got me wondering how my own household ranked. It’s a big house and I know I can’t check everything, but little by little, I want to research this. I looked at little guy’s toys, and learned that nearly all of them were made in China! There were a few “boutique” toys made here, but not many. The labels on his clothes had similar findings. Oshkosh B’gosh – a big company in WI – had a “Made in Thailand” tag on his shorts!

I know that most of my furniture is American made – some are antiques with no names, but they were originally made in the US. Some newer items came from NC, and others are from Western PA. I haven’t checked all my clothes, but so far, they’re all aliens. I’m sure the electronics and appliances will also be from places outside our country. I did look at the labels on my toiletries, paper products, and cleaning supplies – from Proctor & Gamble, Johnson & Johnson, Lever – most say distributed in USA, but I think that means they were made elsewhere. Yikes! That’s a lot of buckeroos I’m sending to foreign places! There was one company – Fruit of the Earth – that displays an American flag and proudly proclaims Made in the USA. I plan on looking for more of their products.

So what are we to do? I’m not as big a consumer as I used to be. I can’t shop for long periods of time, and I don’t have the monetary resources I once possessed. I know Hubby just sees me as an aging protestor – always ready to hoist my picket sign and march or sit-in. So, even though he’s a gung-ho, my-country-right-or-wrong kind of guy, I don’t think I’ll find an ally there. I can just see the eye rolling if I were to suggest he look at the origin of the products he purchases. But I want to start getting the moolah back here and get people back to work. That’s not saying we can’t assist other countries, but let’s get real. We use Asian and other third world countries to make our ‘stuff’ so the US companies can be richer. Well, without American workers earning a wage, they can’t buy that ‘stuff!’ Soon, we’ll be the third world. Okay, I exaggerate, but I’m concerned.

Me, sliding down from my soapbox….

I have a new volunteer job. Yes, I forgot to say “No!” I’m finishing being chair on one board, and went into a new area – working on a newsletter. My first meeting is this coming Monday night, and I’m kind of looking forward to something a little different. I have a background with two major newspapers, and I created an online newsletter for my school. So, I guess I can be of assistance. I just have to remember not to take on too much again. Let’s see if I keep that promise to myself!
Peace,
Muff

An Aha Moment

2011-05-05T10:49:00.006-04:00

As I grew older, I had fewer of these epiphanies, but when MS struck, those moments seem to happen quite regularly. Being an avid people watcher, I usually notice people’s reactions to situations. Then I try to apply some lesson and adopt it as my own.

Yesterday, I had to get the locks trimmed, so I made an early appointment in order to have enough energy to endure the process. That part worked well – I had no problems maneuvering around the shop. My stylist (as she likes to be called) held the chairs for me and moved objects in my way. They’re getting accustomed to my limited mobility, and no one seems to notice anymore. The girl who does my hair has been doing so for a long time, and I don’t want to lose her. Sometimes she can be moody, but yesterday her spirits were high. She talked about trivial matters, and the appointment was going well.

About an hour after I arrived, I realized I had no breath mints with me, so I asked her for a cellophane-wrapped peppermint from the basket in the shop. That’s when I realized my stupidity – I couldn’t open it with one hand. After struggling with it, I finally gave up and asked the girl to help. She immediately unwrapped it, gave it to me, and disposed of the paper. Then she said, “I was going to offer to do it, but I didn’t want you to yell at me.” I was shocked!
“When did I ever yell at you?”
“Well, you didn’t, but other women have.”
“People yelled at you for helping?”
“All the time. I guess they felt I wasn’t allowing them to be independent. Really, I just wanted to help them. Now, I wait to be asked.”

Was I ever like that? Am I like that now? Although I’m not a yeller, did I ever tacitly rebuke someone who tried to help? I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I remember someone in church offering to help me once. I smiled and said I was fine (my usual reaction) and the person walked away. Someone else standing there said, “You’re really Miss July – stating your Declaration of Independence!” I remember at the time thinking it was a surprising remark to make, but I let it go. Had I been turning people off (or away) with my responses? Could I really have been that nasty, albeit with a friendly smile on my face?

I remember a friend telling me that he was taking a walk in town one winter, and he encountered a woman in a wheelchair stuck in a little snow mound. He went over and said, “Here let me help you around the snow.” She snapped at him to leave her alone. So he did. When he was returning from his walk, she was still there, still stuck. He merely tapped his forehead in a mock salute and continued on his way. He told me that the incident made him hesitant to offer assistance. I don’t want to be that way; I want to always accept any offer of help, knowing that it will make the other person feel good. I know I may have to swallow a bit of pride, and maybe I won’t even need the aid, but I’m determined to act gracefully.

I need “aha” moments like that because I cannot allow myself to become a bitter old shrew. So the next time someone offers to help, the smile I give will merely accompany a gracious thank you.

Peace,
Muff

Hats Off

2011-05-04T00:01:00.002-04:00

I will admit that I did enjoy watching parts of “the wedding,” despite the fact that I wasn’t one of those diehards who rose early to see it live. I DVR’d it and watched it a little at a time, and fast forwarded past boring parts. I do like pomp and pageantry, and even though critics say it was not in keeping with the economic reality of our times, maybe that’s what I needed – an escape from such a reality. Just as I read fiction and escape into the stories, I could watch the handsome uniforms, listen to the beautiful music, get caught up in the majesty, and forget about the real world. At first glance, I didn’t think I liked the bridal gown, but upon closer inspection, I found that I really did. (I’m sure the royals are relieved to know I gave my stamp of approval!!) I guess I also got some amusement from those hats.

I mean, really, ladies, what were you thinking? Yes, some of you (such as the Queen) used good judgment in your choices, but those others, just too silly for words. I know Ms Beckham thought she was just perfect – can’t you tell by the bored, smug look? Unfortunately, I kept wondering how that ‘hat’ stayed on! Super glue, invisible wires? So many women had similar styles – right smack dab on their foreheads, and jutting straight up in the air. Some of the monstrosities had feathers, bows, beads, and ?sculpture? Sorry if I’m out of the fashion loop, but they were just too, too, inane. Does anyone remember the film “My Fair Lady” in the Ascot Race scene? Don’t the hats remind you of the wedding chapeaux?

Now, this Saturday, the Kentucky Derby will take place, and more hats will abound. I’m wondering if they’ll be similar to the British styles. Usually the Southern Belles wear wide brimmed, fine straw hats, and they appear quite fashionable. I hope the Brits can see the difference.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate a fine hat, and I was sorry when they were no longer in vogue. I just don’t care for headwear that vies with circus performances. Just my opinion…

Peace,
Muff

It's May Again!

2011-05-03T10:39:00.004-04:00

Since the first of May fell on Sunday, and I’m usually busy, I never posted to say “Happy May.” I looked back on some old posts and realized that I had explained how I celebrated May 1st with my French classes, but I really don’t celebrate anymore. Evidently, it’s somewhat of a holiday in the Midwest, where they make paper cones which hold goodies and deliver them secretly to friends. Martha even had instructions on making these cones, but she filled hers with flowers. I’m not too dexterous anymore, so I didn’t try my hand at these crafts. If we had Lily of the Valley growing, I’d have made a little nosegay for us. I think my Lilies disappeared though.

When I was growing up, we had LOV growing haphazardly along our driveway. Then my mother replanted them in a garden and each year we’d make little crowns of them. In my own home, I never grew them until a few years ago. A friend told me she had so many, and she offered to share. She carefully dug them up and we replanted them in the gardens by our back patio. They never bloomed again! I’m thinking perhaps the soil was different, or they needed different light, or maybe some varmints dug them up. This year I really want more. This is the time they grow, so maybe Hubby can find them in one of the many nurseries around here.

I promise to learn about their growing needs, and I’ll plant them (or Hubby will) where they’ll thrive. It’s a short season for them, as with many spring blooms, but I can enjoy their beauty while they last. If we’re successful, we could have them blooming year after year. I’d want to cut some for indoors; their heady fragrance can be intoxicating.

In France where the lilies are the symbol of May 1st – le fêtes des muguets – vendors gather the blooms and sell them on street corners. They are meant to be ‘bringers of happiness’ or ‘portes de bonheur’ and everyone, young and old, presents them to lovers, family, and friends. Such a nice custom!

So, even though it’s two days late, I wish you a Happy May Day, and present you with these bouquets. Hope you have a happy May and lovely weather as we are today.

Peace,
Muff

A Simple Post

2011-05-02T11:17:00.004-04:00

I don't want to write about what's happening in the world. I’ll leave that to those who are more knowledgeable or political than I. Suffice it to say, I am not among those applauding or condemning – I have always been a pacifist, and my hope and prayer is that one day we all will live in peace. I won’t argue or defend that position. Using a quote from my Flower Child days: Peace IS Patriotic!

Now, from the sublime to the mundane…

I got some good news yesterday. My pastor has said that from now on, I will read from my seat – no more struggling up and down the stairs to the lectern, and no more slow walks to and from. Hurray! I was planning on handing in another resignation by summertime, saying that while I was happy to read, I just couldn’t handle those steps ‘grace’fully anymore. Problem is now solved. So, now I can turn the worry machine over to thinking about: should I stand or sit? should I use a book or a copied page? will I be able to turn the lavaliere mike on and off? should I attach the mike to my clothes or just hold it? I’m starting this new plan on Mothers Day, so I’ll find the answers soon enough.

I have another week without my little baby. :-< He’s still in Florida with his Mama and Papa, and won’t be home until Wednesday night. I hope they have a wonderful time (judging by the calls, texts, emails, I think they are) and I definitely want them to be safe, but I do miss seeing the little guy!

I’ve been working on some flower arranging and I enjoy it. I still have to use mostly the one hand, but I’m getting pretty good at being mono-dexterous! I had bins of silk flowers, and I wanted to enjoy them. So I pulled out all my old glass vases and began arranging. I may have to move them up high when little guy arrives, but I can enjoy their beauty on the other days. The easiest room for me to redecorate is -- are you ready for this? – the powder room!! So, I’ll also do a small arrangement there. I have that room done in lemons for the spring – a lemon wreath, 2 large lemon pictures, and two small ones, a lemon scented candle and yellow accents. I think a pale blue and yellow flower arrangement will look nice. For the summer, I’m doing that room in a shore theme – shell wreath, seashells in a brandy snifter, shore photos, hand towels in pale blue, and candles. So silly, but it keeps my mind occupied…

I showed Hubby the appliances which Karen @ ‘Meandering – One moment Please’ showed on her blog for help with writing. We’re going to two stores with the photos to see if these items will help me. My hand is so bad, that even my signature suffers. So, I’ll try to find a solution. I also need to investigate what I can use to keep my bad hand from curling up.

I think I understand why I seem to be so angry about my situation anymore. I’m no worse or better than a lot of other bloggers, but I seem to get more frustrated and grumpy. Perhaps it’s because in the past I could always find answers, I always had a response to make thing work, there was a always a Plan B lurking in the shadows, and I could always analyze situations and provide solutions. With MS, that ain’t happening. There may be scientists searching for a cure, there could be many pharmaceutical interventions, but nothing is working. I feel as if I should be doing more to correct this, but I’m unable to do so. Mentally I rant and rave, ‘they’ can put people into outer space, ‘they’ can find answers to so many diseases, ‘they’ can solve so many of life’s problems. Why, then, can’t ‘they’ fix me?

I know – be patient, have hope. I’ll try…

Peace,
Muff

I Really Don't Like Saturdays!

2011-04-30T10:19:00.004-04:00

I used to love Saturdays when I worked – sleeping late, shopping, dinner out, evening activities… Now, none of that! I can sleep late any day, but I always wake up at the same time now. Hubby’s at the store, and I gave away my car, so I stay in the house the whole day. I get dinner started – no big deal – and Hubby finishes it. No more restaurant eating on Saturday nights – way out of our budget. And the evenings are now spent watching TV or reading. I hate Saturdays.

When the kids were young, we used to take them to fun places on Saturdays, and when they were grown, we took us to fun places! Even after I began to have MS symptoms, but didn’t know what it was, I looked forward to Saturday. The work week was left behind, and we tried hard not to get together with work associates or do work-related activities. Hubby never liked sleeping late, but he did like making breakfasts, so that became his chore. Once I was up, I could get my house chores out of the way quickly and head out.

I’d start at the hair salon – getting a wash and blow out usually, or highlights or a trim when needed. I knew the people who worked there and other customers with appointments near mine. So it was a social gathering. That salon didn’t do nails, so I’d go to another for a manicure. Then I’d go to the mall or other shopping areas. It would be either be an afternoon of pure indulgence or one of dreamy window shopping. Sometimes we’d meet friends for dinner, or we’d go to someone’s home, or we’d just have a quiet dinner at a local restaurant. We’d see a movie, or many times be driving the kids to their social events! It was a fun time.

After the MonSter attacked, we’d do less, depending on how I felt, but I still did a lot more than now. As I got weaker, I actually spent more time having my hair done – I couldn’t do the long hair drying, and I needed to look at my best in my position. I cut the nail salon down to every other week because there was a lot of walking during the process. I began to shop online, so Saturday afternoon meant only smaller errands were run. We still tried to dinner and we looked forward to entertainment. Once I left the workforce, it all came to a crashing halt.

With no regular income, Hubby increased his time at the store. I no longer needed all the hair doings, so I had it cut short. Same with the manicures – stopped. I don’t shop or go to stores unless it’s an absolute must. Dinner is a big yawn, and the whole day has become a bore. I’m not throwing a pity party for myself – it just is what it is. I feel bad for Hubby – he never saw this coming. He doesn’t complain, and he never holds me responsible. He tries hard to make life bearable, and I appreciate his efforts.

If I were ever to be cured of MS – you know, at the same time as hell freezes over or pigs fly – I know I’d want my Saturdays back. Right now, I’d be laughing and joking with the gals at the salon. After that, I’ll go to Coldwater Creek and get an outfit – to wear to my wonderful job next week. Hubby and I will go to PJ’s for dinner, then off to the big city to see the festival of lights show. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

Ooops, sorry for dozing off there – a nice dream…

Peace,
Muff

Teachable Moments

2011-04-29T10:30:00.004-04:00

I wonder if I had been a nurse, or a banker, or a clerical worker, would I always obsess on how to turn any event into a lesson? Having been a teacher/administrator, I’m always seizing those moments, despite the fact that I ‘disabled retired’ over three years ago! At my mother’s nursing home, I get the monthly activity calendar, and I usually want to scream when I see what they have planned. Consider that the large majority of theses residents suffer from some form of Alzheimer’s or dementia, and compare that with the planned activities. These people can’t remember their names sometimes, and they have ‘board games’ listed as an activity. Then I watch, as the underpaid, nonprofessional, poorly trained activity person tries to get the people to play Monopoly or Clue. !! Give. Me. A. Break. !!

Some of these workers really do try to relate the activity to the needs of the patient, but any originality such as this is frowned on by the grand poobah of activities, who lists all the activities, but rarely listens to suggestions and hardly ever actually visits the residents! I know ahead of time, an activity that could really be shaped and adapted to help residents, will be a total dud. Many listed events are nothing more than the activity person reading from reams of computer-generated information, and the residents nap in front of her. In my mind, I turn it around and make it interesting, but I long ago stopped offering advice – they don’t care enough to do this. They had a poetry reading and writing activity earlier this month, and I mentally devised ways to do it. Break it into very small segments, take a starter word, e.g. ‘stay,’ make a list [on a white board] of all the rhyming words, then make up short poems using the words:
I looked out the window at the rainy day,
I said to myself, “I cannot play.”
Then I heard my mother say,
“I think I see a small sun ray!”
Okay, that was doggerel, but I can see the seniors being able to compose it.

Historical and current events can be other areas to involve the residents and keep them alert. Don’t just read about World War II; ask questions about things they remember – rationing, women working in men’s jobs, writing to family in the military – there’s a wealth of memories just in that one topic!

Today would be a great opportunity to let the folks have a ball since there are two areas to be celebrated. Start with Arbor Day: in the morning, have enough small containers – yogurt or margarine tubs – for each resident. (Yes, that might involve some pre-planning and prep work – gasp!) Then mix up a quick setting plaster or cement and add to each container. Place a twig with many small ‘branchlets’ in the nearly set medium. When dry, cut out leaves and flowers and have the residents choose some to be glued on the branches for their own personal tree. OR if the weather permits, go out in the garden or on the patio and look at the trees – how tall are they, what colors, do all of them have leaves?
The second area is the wedding (if you’re saying What wedding, I think there are openings in my mother’s home!) Again a little pre-planning…set the DVR and show portions of it in the afternoon. Have them make up the silly royal names that are going around on Facebook. The women (who are the majority) could decorate inexpensive straw hats with flowers and ribbons. They could critique the bride’s gown (from the little I saw, I didn’t like it.) They could talk about their own or their children’s weddings. As a climax, serve tea and crumpets, while they wear their hats and listen to music. Mind you – nothing close to that will occur!

I hate to see lost opportunities, not only for young students, but for the oldsters as well! There are so many teachable moments available, let’s take advantage of them!

Peace,
Muff

The Calm Before the Storm

2011-04-28T10:35:00.004-04:00

I feel so sorry for all those people in the South who are suffering from the tornadoes. We don’t get too many tornadoes in these parts, but we are due to receive a remnant of those storms. We’ll have high winds and heavy rains, but not the devastation that was seen in the South. It’s actually been downright summerlike these past few days – temps in the 80s. Fortunately, after the storm, we’ll get our springtime weather back – 60s and 70s with cool breezes. As Hubby rushes to finish outdoor lawn/garden work before the storm hits, I try to get myself steeled.

I’ve always been afraid of bad storms – winter blizzards, hurricanes, lightening, winds – and I never grew out of those fears. My mother told me that as a very young child, I would scream whenever a thunderstorm came, and I can still remember wrapping myself in the bedclothes on summer nights when it began to thunder. I’d be drenched in perspiration and shaking like a leaf by the time my parents got me out. I’d hide in closets, under tables, and bury my head in the corners of the armchairs just to avoid hearing and seeing a storm. My father had a fear as well, but he tried to hide it (he saw his friend electrocuted when he was young) and I always thought he was strong and brave. My sister teased me unmercifully – “Big scaredy cat!!” – until my mother reprimanded her.

In college, my roommate learned about my fear, and played a trick on me – locked me in the room and turned out the lights when a bad storm came up. I never forgave her! Hubby always loved storms – he stands at the window and watches lightening streak across the sky, and at the shore he used to go to the beach and watch the streaks at the ocean. What an idiot! My sons inherited his love of storms, while my daughter takes after me. Once I became a mother, I really tried to pretend I was calm during storm outbreaks, so my children wouldn’t see it. That was so hard to do, and probably didn’t make any difference to them. My aunt could never pretend (she used to hide with her kids under the dining room table) and her kids went in the opposite direction – they love storms!

Now, I’m watching the sky getting darker, and I know within an hour, we’ll be pounded. So, I’ll rush to finish this, and then hide out. I stay away from the computers, phones, TV, running water, metal objects, and windows. I’ll hunker down in a room with the shades drawn, and I’ll try to read. I’ll be somewhat relaxed knowing this is a quick mover and will be over in an hour or two. I wish I were braver, but I’ve just never learned to like these freak-outs from Mother Nature. My Dad always said the safest place to be during a storm was in the car. I’d love to go sit in the car, but that seems a bit obsessive. I also learned, just a few years ago, that it’s only safe in a car if it’s a hardtop. I had a convertible, and once I found that out, I’d never drive home if a storm came up. I’d stay at school until it stopped. Big scaredy cat!

So, now I see the tree branches getting still, and it’s so quiet. This is definitely the calm before the storm. Gotta go and be safe.

Peace,
Muff

Biking Along...

2011-04-27T10:30:00.004-04:00

Yesterday on The Martha Show (I know – love her or hate her…) there was a segment on bike riding, and it reminded me how much I used to love it. I started to ride a bike at a very young age – ok that one was four inches from the ground and had three wheels, but still… When we lived in the big city, I had a little animal bike with four wheels and my mother took me for rides in the driveway. I don’t remember it, but there is a photo! When we moved across the river to the ‘burbs in the next state, I had loads of room to ride and I do remember it quite vividly. The little trike soon gave way to a bigger bike with training wheels. I was probably around five when I rode that bike and I still see myself sliding back and forth on the seat to reach the pedals, and the bike itself went left to right as the trainers held me upright.

I know I was six years old when I convinced my Dad to remove those wheels and let me ride normally. I remember that day when he raced along next to me on the quiet side street as I learned to keep my balance and ride. He told the story years later, and he boasted how great I was to learn in so short a time. After that, there was no holding me back. As long as there was no rain, I’d be on that bike going up and down the street, around corners, stopping, starting up again, and enjoying every minute. My parents were very strict that I stay on the sidewalk and not go in the street. (Back then children obeyed their parents, and I never got tempted to ride in the street.)

When I was a bit older, that little navy blue bike needed to be replaced with a “big girl bike” and I got a beautiful new light blue one which had all the bells and whistles for that time – a basket, a horn and a bell, a carrier on the back, and gears. (Note – helmets were not required back then!) At the time, it was like getting a car! Then I began pleading to be allowed to travel farther away from home, and my wish was granted. My friends and I would ride our bikes all over our little world. We’d stop and rest under shady trees, and we’d survey the countryside around us. Once we dared to sneak through a fence on the property of what we called a haunted house. At one time it was a huge mansion on acres of land. It even had a guest house and fountains. There were so many legends abounding over that house – how true they were, we never learned. But that day we decided to go there, and the three of us had goose bumps thinking about it. We knew where the break was in the old iron fence, and we slipped through with our bikes. We snuck through the trees and undergrowth until we saw the house in the distance. Even though the sun was shining, there was a darkness surrounding the mansion and it sent shivers up our spine. We heard a dog bark, jumped three feet off the ground, and hightailed it out in a hurry. That was the last time we ever ventured there, but our imaginations were enough to keep us content as we rode along.

Over the years, I got newer model bicycles, and I continued my love of riding. Every summer, we had to ‘ride the boards’ (early bike rides on the boardwalk) at the shore. Hubby and I rode, also, and we took the kids for rides in carriers until they began to ride themselves. The amount of bikes we had is enormous – I think we may still have one in the old shed. Now, it’s been years since I’ve ridden a real bike. I used the stationary one at PT, but they had to strap my bad foot onto the pedal – a real ego deflater! I’d get lost in thought, though, as I ‘pedaled along,’ and I’d imagination that I was riding in the country again.

I don’t think I could handle a real bike anymore. How would I get on? Could I hold my balance? Would my bad foot slide off the pedal? What would happen when I braked – could I brake? Those are scary thoughts, and I don’t like the images they produce! So, I’ll give in and say my biking days are finished. Wouldn’t it be nice, though, if I could still do it?

Peace,
Muff

Did You Ever Notice...

2011-04-26T11:01:00.005-04:00

…that when things seem to be going well, they’re really not?
Even though I don’t get relapses, I do decline. True, it’s a subtle movement, a slow-moving slide into worsening conditions, but it just never gets better. Chronic progressive disease is just that – always there and progressing negatively. I try to stay positive and look at all I’m still able to accomplish, but too many times I find myself looking over my shoulder and comparing/contrasting how I used to be. I’m not even referring to my previously normal healthy days; instead, I’m seeing how I was just a year, a month, a week ago. In my mind (which is pretty much intact) I don’t see myself as failing, but when I think of what I could do a fairly short time ago, I’m shocked at where I am now.

I acknowledge the daily fatigue, the nerve ‘jitterbug’ constantly being danced inside me, the wobbly legs that produce the wonky walk, and the dead hand that curls at my side. Yes, I ‘accept’ the existence of all that, but I don’t really ‘accept’ what I’ve become. The ‘who’ part of me remains the same – I will always be me and nothing can change that. The ‘what’ part of me is the challenge – that ever-changing, ever-worsening, ever-threatening physicality that lives with me. These past few days reminded me that I will never, ever, ever be able to do what I could or live as I did. I’ve given up so much, and at times I really need to mourn that loss.

Once the busyness of Easter prep, and my tasks at church ended, I had a glimpse into how much I can no longer accomplish. I think part of that vision was also seen through the lenses of my family. I viewed myself as they see me now. They’re relieved when I still hold onto some of our traditions, and they happily fill in where I no longer can. But they, too, are being robbed by this disease – they, also, are missing the ‘me’ I once was. Just on Sunday alone, by the time I went to church, visited and fed my mother, and began to do the prep work for dinner, I had to stop and rest. I gently directed others to pick up my slack, but inside I was seething that I had to rely on others to do my work. Where once I would have had an array of homemade appetizers set out, I had to settle for Hubby’s store-bought limited pickings. In the past I would have made many dishes for the meal; now, it was the entrée and two sides – only one made totally from scratch. I look around at the limited décor and sigh. Yes, I feel violated, as if this thief has taken away all the good stuff.

There were other reminders also: the exhaustion from walking up the aisle in church, the inability to pick up the baby when he lifts his chubby little arms for me, the lack of energy to clean up after dinner, and the need for constant breaks. We’ve also had some high temps – mid 80s – and the heat gets to me – even if it’s just walking to and from the car. The A/C in the back part of the house has been failing and needs fixing (which could be expensive.) So, I’m trying to keep my cool (literally and figuratively!) With the heat comes the weakening of my legs, and now I have difficulty even lifting the bad leg into bed at night – last night it took me five tries and six minutes to do it! Once Hubby comes up to bed, he helps me, but it’s so dang frustrating.

This turned out to be more of a rant than I expected. I started out wanting to show how I think I’m doing fine and holding my own, but in reality, I’ve gone downhill quickly. So, I need to shed this gloomy mood, and get back to positive thinking. Once in a while, though, I think we need to throw a hissy fit and get it out of our systems. Then we can refill that space with happier thoughts.

Peace,
Muff

Kasey: My Turn

2011-04-25T11:17:00.004-04:00

Greetings one and all, human and canine! ‘Tis I, Kasey, the Golden Retriever, visiting my folks, and giving Mama the day off. I’ll be here for the week, being spoiled rotten, and getting to enjoy the spring weather away from the big city. Don’t get me wrong – I love living among all the bustle that city life brings, but sometimes, I just need a little down time, some grass under my paws, and the sounds of nature.

I began my life here three years ago, but when my boy moved to the city in ’09, I went with him. Now, when I come back to my roots, it’s nice to see my doggy parents who live next door, and I know my human parents love having me. I get a little extra food, plenty of treats, rides in the car, and I can roam all over the yard. I figured out that when I’m away in the city, some squirrels, rabbits, and birds have been invaded my yard space. But never fear, once I return, my bark scares them away.

Mama is missing our little guy, who left with his parents for a ten-day vacation to Florida. I can fill in that gap a little, but I’m much better behaved! Mama told us that yesterday in church, the little guy played a new game – throw everything from toys to books to purses on the floor and yell the new word – “Uh-oh!” His new Easter outfit was cute – navy pants with an embroidered sailboat, white golf shirt, pale blue sweater vest with a matching sailboat, and blue plaid boat shoes. Me? Oh I shined up my fur.

Mama’s Easter dinner was yummy – yes, I did get a few nibbles! The weatherman was w-r-o-n-g, again. The day wasn’t cloudy as predicted – the sun shone and the temps went into the 80s. We needed the A/C to cool things down. I like being outside – flowers blooming everywhere, birds singing (too high in the trees for me to reach. Drat!), gentle breezes blowing – just the kind of day to take a nap in the sun, which I will do as soon as I finish typing.

Hope all of you had a great weekend! I’ll try to stop by again to give Mama a break when I next take a leave from the big city. Maybe I’ll tell you some stories of my cosmopolitan lifestyle!

Ciao!
Kasey

Happy Easter!

2011-04-23T11:01:00.003-04:00

It’s a dreary, rainy day here – and a bit chilly this morning. Doesn’t seem like Easter-time at all. Tomorrow should be better – no sun, but no rain until evening – and close to 70. I can remember Easters (usually the March ones) that were downright cold, and we’d wear winter coats! Then there were April ones that sweltered! I just like the in-between temps and sunny skies. This year won’t be too bad – there are so many gorgeous plants and flowers around that the sun won’t be missed all that much.

Yesterday went better than I had anticipated. The scooter was a godsend, and I wasn’t that tired. I did have to stand for forty minutes to do my readings, but it was early enough in the day that I could handle it. A lot of people offered assistance, and if I needed it, I accepted it. Before I leave my position as chair of our board, I’m going to suggest that we work on making some inexpensive ADA upgrades in the church. Though it looks modern, (and in reality it is, compared to other older ones) it lacks total compliance. I’d like to see an additional lectern placed on the floor level, thus eliminating the need to go up the steps. I also want an area designated for wheelchairs, scooters, or other devices, where the user doesn’t have to constantly move them to provide space for others. The rest room definitely needs revamping – so small that wheelchairs/scooters can’t make turns. All I can do is suggest – we’ll see how it’s accepted.

That’s all I have for now – would you believe I still haven’t finished all my chores!? I wish all of you a great weekend, and for those who celebrate it, a very Happy Easter!

Peace,
Muff

Stumbling Along

2011-04-22T10:01:00.003-04:00

I have to move quickly today – I still have chores facing me that I (in typical fashion) put off. Then I’m due in church at noon to read, and I have to stay until 4:00! That sounds awful (sorry, God), but I had wanted to leave at 1:00, see my mother, go back for the 3:00 service, then come home. Well, our land line went on the blink yesterday and the serviceman can only come between 12:30 and 3:30 (sound familiar?) and Hubby has to be here. So he can only drive me to church by noon, then pick me up at 4:00. I guess I could use the extra prayer time...

I also read last night, and as I mentioned before, evenings are not my good times. I tend to get worse as the day progresses, and by 7:00, I’m wobbling all over the place. Usually, I just sit and read my book or watch TV, but last night, I had to push a little harder. Fortunately, Hubby came to the steps, took my hand, and eased me to the walker. I feel like an old lady, but at least I didn’t fall! Today will tire me, but the timing is better, and I may even take my scooter to help me. I got a replacement for tomorrow night, so I don’t have to read at 9:00 at night! I also opted to attend Sunday services, rather than Saturday night, so I could have the little guy there, dressed in his Easter suit. When our kids were younger – in fact, even up to just a few years, we always went out for Easter brunch. Now, we’ll visit my mother and help her to eat her meal.

I have Easter dinner pretty well planned. I wanted to make a ham, but I decided on a pork roast instead. I’ll make an apple casserole, spring veggies and salad, and something light and fruity for dessert. I still host holiday dinners, but I have slackened off from the feasts I used to prepare.

Off to practice my reading and finish my chores.

Peace,
Muff

The Art of Letter Writing

2011-04-21T10:38:00.005-04:00

With all the modern technology, this art is slowly disappearing. I have to admit – I used to love writing letters – even little notes. My mother used to sit us down at the dining room table, supply us with notepaper, scratch paper, and pens/pencils. She’d supply us with a list of names to whom we needed to thank or just say “hi.” After Christmas and birthdays, we had to thank all the aunts and uncles, and at other times, we needed to keep in touch.

As I got older, I wrote more and more letters and notes, some to friends who had moved away, others to relatives. I always had a supply of notepaper available. My Dad had monogrammed stationery made for us, and I also found others in stationery stores. Even as an adult, I was always looking for new and unique writing paper, and I had a stockpile of it. When I visited my sister in Wisconsin, she lived not far from the Lang factory, purveyors of beautiful cards, notepaper, and other stationery items. I loved taking a small side trip to purchase a boatload. I still have a lot of it!

In school, we learned all the aspects of a proper business and personal letter, and I did adhere to the rules. Writing letters and notes was never a chore for me, and I never complained. Sometimes, I’d get started writing, and before I knew it, I had written pages! I wonder what the receiver thought about those epistles! I know I also loved receiving letters, and I’d wait anxiously for responses. Those days are sadly gone.

With the advent of computers and cell phones, letter writing was soon replaced by emails and text messages. I held out for a long time – loving the technology, but still wanting to send old-fashioned snail mail. Then I caved. Emails were so easy – especially when I had such a busy schedule. I had three different addresses – one for personal use, and two connected with work. I could zip through all of them and send replies all in the blink of an eye. I still sent personal letters at times, but those times were becoming rare. I even kept a fountain pen because I loved that flourish of characters in ink. I had a very unique penmanship also – more of an ancient calligraphy than Palmer method. Some of my students used to copy it – I took it as a compliment!

Then my hand began to be non-functional, and I had no choice. Gone was the fine motor control I needed to handle a pen. Goodbye to the nice handwriting. Adieu to my letter writing. I still send notes and letters, but now I do them on the computer. I gave away a lot of my stationery, but I held on to some that I can feed through the printer. I now design my stationery and notes using various fonts and graphics. I also make my own greeting cards, even though I have an online subscription with a card company. I even have a computer signature because it’s so hard to even write my name. I do sign my mother’s checks, and I try to take shorthand notes at my meetings, but that’s it.

I miss letter writing in its old form, but I still continue to keep in touch with friends and relatives. If the hand hadn’t given out, right now I’d be filling my pen with dark blue ink, deciding on stationery to use, and sending out notes to those I know. Instead, I’m using my new means of communication and writing to all of you! Have a wonderful day!

Peace,
Muff

Memories of Easter Past

2011-04-20T10:37:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I mentioned how my mother designed and made our Easter outfits. I inherited her design skills; unfortunately, I never enjoyed machine sewing that much – now it sits and gathers dust. My mother had several machines and some cool attachments to embellish her handiwork. In the beginning of Lent (often there was still snow on the ground) Mom would begin planning our “ensembles.” She’d ask us what color we wanted, but she made the final decisions. My sister and I wore either a dress and new spring coat or a suit. Brother wore short pants and a jacket until he went to school; then it became long pants. Many times she sewed those as well!

When we wore coats, my sister and either matched in two sizes or we coordinated. I can remember wearing a navy light wool coat with a white collar and buttons (fully lined in matching fabric) and a pale gray one with the same trim. Once I had a pale yellow coat and a pale blue coat. When it was suits, we knew Easter was later and the weather would be warmer. I remember not liking suits as well as dresses because I could never keep the blouse tucked in. Hats were another tradition and – get this – my mother could make them as well!!

After colors were decided and the option of coat or suit had been negotiated, Mom would figure out patterns. (She’d buy a ready made pattern and change it to her liking.) Then we’d head to the fabric district in Philadelphia. I loved those trips – the store owners knew us and they’d make a fuss over us and give us treats. It’s funny, but I still remember one owner – George – my mother and aunt put a lot of stock in his suggestions. I also loved the “button drawers,” which were well worn cardboard boxes arranged in a wall as drawers. Oh, the treasures they held! If Mom needed hat forms, we went to another store, and we always ended up having lunch in the big city.

One year my aunt suggested we wear French Navy Hats, and she and my mother went crazy with designs. I can still remember that hat, and I’m sure if I go digging, I’ll find a photo. It was made of a soft white straw, looked somewhat like a beret, and had a navy and red band and a navy pom-pom. My suit had a gray and navy checked skirt with a short navy jacket. Funny – I was probably around eight years old, but that outfit stays in my mind.

When my own children came along, my mother made outfits for them as well. We were all so spoiled! When Mom decided she didn’t want to sew anymore (she said it was hard to concentrate – probably the start of her dementia) we all mourned. An era had ended, and no one picked up the baton. I wish I had kept it up, and maybe I could make things for my grandchild, but the last time I tried, I couldn’t even thread the needle. I still see designs in my mind, though, and maybe I’ll figure out a way to do it again.

Nowadays, I rarely see kids dressed up. Maybe on Easter, some of the little one will wear their “Sunday Best” or an “Easter Bonnet,” but I think those days are pretty much gone. [sigh…]

Peace,
Muff

Easter Plannig

2011-04-19T10:52:00.003-04:00

Gone are the days when I could accomplish a boatload in a day. Now, half of my former doings get divided over several days. It’s the only way I can escape the overwhelming fatigue that lies in wait behind every chore. And that fatigue leads to more wonky walking and less dexterity. So I now am reminding myself that Easter is this Sunday, and I don’t have much done. Then again, I’m not planning that much so I have some leeway.

When I was young, the week before Easter was hectic. My mother was fine tuning our outfits – keep in mind, she designed and sewed them. [more about that another day..] School would be out by Wednesday. And sometimes we went to the shore during our break. That busy-ness became a routine, and after I married and became a mother, it was a part of my life as well.

Dressing the kids (and myself) took up weeks of shopping. Then, preparing house decorations was essential. And those Easter baskets needed to be filled. When the kids were small I kept the candy to a minimum and filled their baskets with small toys. When they got a little older, I fell into the candy trap. We have two major candy stores in our area – Bayard’s and Aunt Charlotte’s and I can remember going there each year and waiting in long lines. All three kids got a monogrammed chocolate egg filled with Hershey Kisses (I remember my aunt used to call them chocolate buds [?]) Then they each had a chocolate bunny, or duck, or car, or some other mold. Around these nestled more Kisses, Peeps, small eggs, and jelly beans. None of my kids were big on candy, so many times after a week, I’d take the candy to a meeting, or to our faculty lounge. God forbid I didn’t fill those baskets, though – I’d never hear the end of it!

Time passed, the kids moved out, and I stopped filling baskets! I continued to fill the house with flowers and brought out my decorations each year, but the candy thing ended. Now, I have little Will, and I’d like to see the traditions continue. I usually attend church on Saturday night for the vigil, and I was a reader. This year, I got someone else to do it, and I’ll go on Sunday morning when the family can be there. My daughter told me the baby has a cute outfit, but she wants me to be surprised. I no longer get new Easter clothes – I’m just wearing a beige pantsuit with a very pale aqua shirt. It’ll do.

I also want to make the little guy a basket, so I have to get moving. I bought some cute candy molds and I’ll make some lollipops. Then I’ll make some cookies shaped and decorated like Easter eggs. If I find time on Saturday, I may make some dyed/decorated eggs à la Martha Stewart. The dinner will be simple and I’ll make an easy dessert. See how well I’ve learned to streamline! I’d rather do things in an easy way and have time to visit, than be rushing around and too exhausted to enjoy anything.

That’s why the flowers are ready for vases, the decorations (only a few this year) are on display, and today I’ll make candy molds. The cookies can be done on Thursday, and any odds and ends will be covered by Saturday. That’s all of my Easter planning this year – no clothes shopping, no huge baskets, and no elaborate meals. I think I’ll be enjoying it this year!

Peace,
Muff

Walk a Mile In My Shoes

2011-04-18T09:32:00.004-04:00

I know – it’s a symbolic statement! Funny, though, since these shoes only measure distance in inches anymore!! Actually, my daughter and her friends did walk several miles this past Saturday as part of an MS Walk – their team was Muffie’s Myelin-a-tors and my grandson was the team captain! I thank them for their efforts!

The actual title here refers to that old saying about not judging. It became real to me this past week as I watched it occur. A guy we know can be a real jerk at times, but I have to ‘work’ with him on my volunteer post, so I keep my mouth shut. He embarrasses me when he stares at me struggling to walk, and he exaggerates his chivalry by opening a door for me – way before I’m actually at the door, then staring into space as I slowly go through it. I just want to smack him. He always looks disgusted when I’m riding on my scooter, and if it takes me a while to go from place to place with my walker, he feigns annoyance. I guess he thinks he’s being funny, or he doesn’t know how to act around the disabled, but it gets under my skin. I’ve asked if others notice it, but they tell me to just ignore him. I try.

A few weeks ago, this guy hurt his knee and it was diagnosed as a torn ACL, and needed surgery. Well, of course I felt bad for him, and I would inquire how he was feeling whenever anyone would mention it. The accident certainly didn’t make him a cheerier person, though. I saw him yesterday and asked how he was – he’s walking with a slight limp and pretending he’s above it all. He brushed aside my question and just said, “Fine.” I did hear that he’ll need PT and may have to use a walker for a while. Now, I would never wish my hardship on anyone, but I kept thinking that maybe this would make him a little more understanding about my condition.

So many people were being very kind to him yesterday, and he just waved them off. I wish he knew – really knew – what being disabled was all about. I don’t wish him pain – just consideration. For some people that realization just never happens, but maybe for him it might. Then he could empathize as he walks in my symbolic shoes. We’ll see.

On the other hand, I keep meeting so many nice people. At church, they’re pretty accustomed to seeing me wobble along, and yesterday was no exception. I had to read for a long time, and I was able to stay standing and not keel over. Yay!! Afterwards, so many people came up to me to say how much they enjoy listening to me. Wow! One woman even gave me one of the flower arrangements, “for all I do!” Wow. So, I try to balance Mr. Grumpy’s attitude with that of other people, and I’m always ahead.

Peace,
Muff

Fashionista Emeritus

2011-04-16T11:30:00.003-04:00

That’s right, I’m chucking the whole idea of staying in style this year! This began as I switched my seasonal wardrobes and realized I just wasn’t that interested in many of my clothes. Now my mother (paraphrasing Yves St. Laurent) always told me that fashions come and go, but classic styles remain forever. I lived by that adage, and never got too caught up with fads (OK I did go with mini-skirts and platform shoes – for a brief time!) I would get clothes that could be worn for more than a season and still be fashionable. In wool and linen, I have blazers and jackets in every hue and tint, and pants (and formerly skirts) that coordinate – blacks, navys, khakis, grays, summer whites and tans. When I taught and when I was principal, I switched outfits each day for months! The same went for sweaters, turtlenecks, and tees – all coordinating with the outfits. Simple, solid sheath or a-line dresses with accessories.

Now, I really don’t care that much. I don’t work, I don’t go out all that much, and basically, if I’m covered, I’m fine. I used to find elastic waist pants anathema; now, not so much. I can still (struggling) do a fly front, but buttons and zippers are becoming more and more difficult – no matter how I try to adapt procedures. Using small, thin ribbon, I can still do a side or back zip, but that, too, is becoming hard to accomplish. So, I packed away a ton of winter suits and blazers and will probably donate them to Goodwill. They’re in great condition, but I didn’t wear half of them this past season. Now I’m keeping many spring and summer outfits packed away– I know they, too, will just take up closet space.

I think it’s also a sign of growing older that I’m not as concerned about looking great as I am about being comfortable. I can leave a few blazers in the closet to cover me for the season. I’ll stay with simple outfits for dress-up, and pants/jeans and tees for everyday use. I don’t even think I’ll put shorts in the drawer – I can’t go out without the brace and shorts won’t hide it. Neither will skorts, and the swimsuits won’t see the light of day this year. I have trash bags and donation boxes ready as I write. Some will also be recipients of shoes – again very classic styles, but not meant for wonky MS feet. I’ll just keep some flats, and possibly some sandals. One shoe tree should cover it. Things like pantyhose – trashbin, tennis socks – tossed, gym shorts – junk, and dresses – gone!

Two years ago, I still believed I could wear a lot of these items, but time and MS have convinced me otherwise. Today is cool –ish and rainy, so I’m wearing knit, elastic-waist pants and a sweatshirt, and I’m remaining indoors. Tomorrow I’m reading at church, so I’ll wear black trousers, black tee, and a red jacket – simple, but not sloppy. During the week, it’ll be khakis, slacks, or jeans, with tees or sweatshirts – no fashion sense whatsoever. Nothing great on Easter, either – I just don’t feel like going to any trouble anymore.

Any more retired fashionistas out there? Does it bother you? Do you still yearn to wear fashionable clothes? Or is it just me?
Peace,
Muff

Toys and Other Stuff

2011-04-15T11:12:00.004-04:00

I’m running a little behind today – still working on summer wardrobe changes. A chore that used to take an hour or two now requires days broken into small segments so I can keep from getting too tired. It also deprives me of time on the computer! Then I wanted to pick up, sort out, and pack away some of the baby’s toys. We keep them all together in his little box in his space. When he’s here, they’re all over – and that’s fine because he will help to put some away when it’s time. I looked at them and realized that many are now too young for him, and I’m trying to go with age-appropriate playthings. It got me thinking how much toys and other baby items have changed over the years.

When my kids were little, we had the Playskool ©, Fisher Price© menagerie, but not nearly as many as kids have now! This little guy has an entire library already – there are so many more kids’ books out there (some good, some not so much.) Baby rattles no longer just – well – rattle; now, they light up, make music, and have other sound effects. They still make toy trucks, but we found an Amish man who makes all his own wooden ones, and the baby loves playing with them. He’s still into stuffed animals, and he has enough to start a zoo, but those kinds of toys never go out of style. For his birthday, we also found old-fashioned wooden blocks, and I can’t wait to build with him. My daughter said he likes to color when they go to restaurants, and I believed her. So I bought him a box of crayons and ran off some coloring pages for Easter. I sat him in his high chair and began showing him how to color the pictures. He ate the crayons. Back to the truck…

I’m also amazed at the amount of equipment available for babies now. My kids always had a basic car seat, high chair, playpen, baby carriage, stroller, and room furniture – those were the ‘big’ items. Now? The car seat has to meet strict standards, and has a five point aviator harness. One needs lessons to properly fasten the baby into the contraption! The same thing goes for the highchair and stroller. The trays (plural) on the high chair all come apart and can be put in the dishwasher for sanitary cleaning. The crib must be assembled in the same safety-minded manner, and one must always read all safety warnings. Don’t get me wrong – these are all good things, but it makes me wonder how my own children survived!

They think I’m a dinosaur when I tell them how ‘lax’ things were ‘in their day’ and even worse in the Stone Age of my childhood! But I didn’t need covers for shopping carts or restaurant high chairs. If they looked not so clean, I took a Kleenex and wiped them off! I didn’t need a high-tech video baby monitor – my internal signals told me to listen for the baby’s cries. Nowadays, babies don’t get water until they’re a year old and then it has to be some special formula kind – I gave mine H2 O from the faucet even in infancy! My three kids all had playpen time when Mommy had to shower, do her ironing, visit the loo… Now, the pen rarely gets used – baby is allowed to roam free. Oops – not really free – gates cover all stairways and off-limit rooms, cabinets are secured with magnetized locks, and even the ‘john’ has a lock. (I learned quickly how to use that device!)

Now all these things are good, and they all promote safety for our precious little ones, but sometimes I just hearken back to the good ol’ days when life was so much simpler.

Peace,
Muff

I Need an Intervention

2011-04-14T11:24:00.003-04:00

I always see them on TV – a group of family and friends help someone overcome a problem or addiction. Well, that’s what I need right now. I rambled on yesterday about I have learned to say “No” when asked to do or serve. I honestly believed I was I was on the right track. So, I said “No” to several things; what I have yet to accomplish is saying “Yes” for the right reasons.

Hubby decided to take advantage of the warm weather today and go golfing. He said he’d get things started for dinner before he left. I should have said, “Thanks” but instead I said, “”Oh, that’s okay, I can handle it.” No. I. Can’t. I just spent a while in the kitchen trying to do this and it wore me out. I had to get water into a large pot to simmer my meat after I seared it. Normal people would have put the pot under the faucet, filled it, and put it back on the stove. Ms Abnormal here cannot do that – at all. So, I left the pot on the stove, and I used a small pot to get water and then add it to the larger pot. Problem 1: the distance between sink and stove [I have to take 4-5 steps each way]; Problem 2: the pot can’t be too heavy after I put water into it; Problem 3: I have to lift the small pot high enough to pour into the big pot; Problem 4: with a pot in my hand, I can’t use the walker. If I had good enough aim, I could have used the faucet hose, aimed it at the pot, and squirted water in. Instead, I took forever, hobbling back and forth to fetch the water. So, I should have accepted help.

Then an old friend emailed me from Florida as she finishes up her winter stay. She offered to drive me to a luncheon we’re attending in May. This little event was actually planned for me. I couldn’t attend our annual alumnae luncheon in March, so they decided to come to me in May. My first reaction when the friend offered a ride should have been, “Great, thanks.” But no-o-o-o, I had to start thinking about it. Here’s what she wrote: can i pick you up on the 11th. i can bring [husband's] car, which is a sedan, to make it easier for you to get in and out. let me know. i know you, you do not want to rely on other people but we are like family, who don't see one another frequently, but still have a close bond. So, how do I respond? I said that Hubby needs to drive me because he’ll be in the area. [???] I didn’t want her to see how ungainly I am when I enter a car. I couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing me disabled. So, once again, I should have accepted help.

Finally, another friend emailed me offering to help with my reading on Good Friday. It will be a long session, and if I would just think rationally, I’d know that standing at the podium for a long stretch of time will render my legs useless and I’ll need help moving. Why didn’t I accept the offer? Why am I so bull-headed [with apologies to the bull]? I should have accepted help.

So I think an intervention is in order! I need people to smack me up side the head, throttle me, yell, do whatever it takes to make me stop this behavior. I’m getting better at saying “No” but worse at saying “Yes.”

H-e-e-l-l-p-p!!!

Peace,
Muff

Learning Slowly

2011-04-13T10:46:00.004-04:00

…how to say “No” in a nice way. Part of the problem with this crappy MS is that you want to appear ‘normal,’ you try to continue your life as it always was, and you honestly believe (for a while) that you can. Then little things start to beat you down, and you soon realize you just can’t handle a ‘normal’ life anymore. I went that route for a very long time, until I started to crash and burn.

When I was teaching, my colleagues noticed when I began dragging my foot, and they were concerned. I kept making excuses and acting witty to take the spotlight off me, even though I was beside myself with worry. Whenever there was a committee, a job to be done, or help needed somewhere, I’d sign on. Why??? I think in my oddly processing brain, I thought I’d be proving, to others as well as to me, that I was all right, and there was just a slight glitch in my operating system. In the end, all I proved was that I could become unbearably exhausted! Perhaps I was viewed as the go-to gal, and maybe I swelled a bit with pride when I was commended for a job well done; however, it just wasn’t worth what I was doing to myself. When I was encouraged to become a principal, I knew something was wrong in my body, but I pushed it aside, and I ran ahead into the administrative field. Even at my interviews, I worked hard to conceal the sight limp I had acquired during the previous year. All those meetings began at 7:00 P.M., I had a fifty-minute drive, and I was learning that I became much worse in the evenings. Did that make a difference? Did I stop to think sanely that this could be a mistake? Did I even consider backing off? Absolutely NO!!! I got the job quickly – a phone call before I even got home that there was a unanimous ‘aye’ vote to hire me.

Once again, I threw myself into appearing ‘normal,’ particularly after I got the diagnosis. I’d show them! There wouldn’t be anything I couldn’t handle, or anything for which I wouldn’t volunteer my time and talent. Gradually, though, I just began to shut down. After three years of non-stop pushing my body to do things, it finally fought back and refused. I began using a cane, I only did the steps once a day, I began to have my secretary do a lot of my ‘legwork,’ and I backed off several committees. The truth, while always staring me in the face, at last would insinuate itself into my entire life. At the point when I left the workforce, depressed and feeling worthless, I knew I had to set limits.

I continued with that knowledge, but I so needed to feel some worth in me, and eventually I became a ‘joiner’ again. When asked to do some volunteer jobs, I accepted willingly and did all I could to make things a success. Unfortunately, I realized after a while that I needed, once again, to do less. Now the things I do are only a small fraction of what I used to do, but they were enough to sap me of energy. I gave up driving, and required someone to take me everywhere. I couldn’t write, but I learned a sort of shorthand so I could continue taking notes. I became more wobbly, but insisted I could still walk up the few steps to do my readings. Finally, after feeling way too exhausted for way too many days, I again came to my senses and began saying, “Sorry, No.” I resigned from my biggest committee which I chaired, and that will be final in June. No regrets, no sadness, just acceptance – for now. I’m attending so much less – the driving issue, the time, and the fatigue factor. Just this morning, I declined an invitation to attend a very prominent event – for the same three reasons. I’ve said that I will soon be retiring from reading as well, but many people are trying to make accommodations so I can continue that. I also tend to procrastinate more, and while I sit typing this, I know I have seven pages to type for a booklet needed tomorrow. So I definitely have to complete that next.

Sadness will eventually set in that I’ve had to give up still more in my life, but I know I’m doing the right thing.

[BTW it’s raining again, so still no photo taking. I’m aiming now for tomorrow.]

Peace,
Muff

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

2011-04-12T09:33:00.003-04:00

That’s me! We went walking (I on my scooter of course) and never really stopped. Library visit first (I said as we left, “I want to take some pictures of the flowers,” but it didn’t happen.) Spent a long time at the new playground (took pictures of the Mama and little guy – but still no spring flower pix.) He’s coming again today, but the clouds have taken over. Maybe tomorrow…
Long story short – no photos of flowers! I lied.

Peace,
Muff

Spring -- Again!

2011-04-11T09:41:00.003-04:00

Spring, Spring, Spring
The Boid is on da wing
Now isn’t dat absoid
I tawt da wing was on da boid!

Sorry! I’ll be out tooling around trying to take some pix of the blooming going on. The little fellow is joining me – should be fun. Today will be in the 80s!!! But as I look out the window, I see very little sun. I’ll wait to see if it gets brighter, then play photographer.

Have a good day and enjoy!

Peace,
Muff

Spring Got Confused

2011-04-09T11:10:00.005-04:00

I don’t want to be a weather gal, always reporting the climate changes, but this year has been goofy! Yesterday felt like early March – rain all day, cold (40s), windy – and it looked odd during such a gray day to see flowers blooming. My husband (he really believes he was a farmer in a past life!) explained that the plants and flowers bloom by the angle of the sun – not the warmth. Uhhh – there was NO sun yesterday! Anyway, I’ll try to get out with my camera again – maybe Monday (forecasted to be in the 80s – can you believe it?) I’ll take the little guy and we’ll snap some blooms.

Right outside my window here, there are branches of the dogwood, and they’re still pretty bare. So, I’ll use that as my growth chart. Once I see little buds, I know the flowers will soon follow. What I see blooming now are the gorgeous Magnolias – so full and pink, but they last such a short time. By next week, the petals will be scattered on the lawns. The daffodils are still swaying as are the hyacinths. Forsythia (usually the early birds around here) are almost finished, and our tulips (as usual) have been literally nipped in the bud by squirrels. We have a beautiful flowering bush with peach-colored blossoms, but Hubby forgot the name and I’m not sure how to identify it. That came up quickly this year, and I’m hoping it will continue to have flowers. The cherry blossoms are ready to burst, and so many smaller trees have pink, yellow, and white fuzzies that will soon be little flowers.

Now that the last of the cold seems to be gone – the coming week looks great on the weather map – I’m hoping Hubby will start working in the gardens. Last year we had flowers well into fall, and I’m looking forward to a repeat. I don’t go out as often as I used to, but I can still look out windows and doors, and seeing beautiful flowers lifts my spirits.

When I taught, my classroom had a wall of windows – all facing south. That was a bad thing in warm weather – so hot -- but southern facing views have sun all day. It’s the reason my plants thrived in that room, and I had a gazillion plants – two or three pots on all eight sills, several on bookcase tops, even a few large ones on the floor. At this time of year, I could look out those windows to the distant trees and see a faint yellow hue forming. I knew I had made it through another winter, another passel of kids had survived me, and soon we’d all be leaving for summer. When I became a principal, my office also had a wall of windows; unfortunately they faced west, and much of the day saw only shade through the panes. So I had shade plants put in that area, and I could still enjoy the arrival of spring.

Why do I long so much for this new season? I think it brings me hope. After a long winter of staying indoors and avoiding the harsh elements, I’m ready to breathe in the freshness of nature. I also believe I have more energy in the spring – finished with the winter cold and not yet subjected to the summer heat. Like Goldilocks, I find it’s “Just right!” So get ready for more of my photos next week as I become a nature paparazzo!

Peace,
Muff

A Few More Random Thoughts...

2011-04-08T10:43:00.007-04:00

…while my brain calms down! The little fellow arrived quite early yesterday (his Mama had to do a phone conference and paperwork.) That means no computer since he loves to sit on my lap and hammer the keys. He’s so cute but I’m usually exhausted by the time he leaves – yesterday that was 7:30 P.M. He didn’t want a nap except when we were in the car, so Hubby and I had to become entertainers for the day. We extended the visit to my mother – Will was just a little showman for everyone and we decided to let them enjoy his antics. Hubby and I took turns with dinner – one at the stove, the other handling the ‘little monkey!’ My two boys came for dinner, and by that time the lack of sleep was starting to show. He only wanted Nanny, and wouldn’t allow anyone else near him or holding him. Finally after a good scrubbing to remove the day’s activities, he was into jammies, and Mama arrived. Both Hubby and I just dropped! Our schedule with him won’t include Thursdays now until May, so we’ll try to recoup our energy before then.

O
ne of my random thoughts – a question – how well do you pick up song lyrics? As a teen, I often misheard the words to songs on the radio and made up my own. With the online resources now, I can look up what the lyrics to a song are, but my old way was often quite fun! Until, that is, someone heard me singing them “my way’ and laughed. It’s no wonder parodies were never that funny to me – I had my own sense of humor. That’s how The Who’s ‘Who Are You?’ became ‘Ewww Ollie’ along with some other gems. Back in my parents’ time, the Andrews Sisters sang a song with a German title – ‘Bie Mir Bis Du Schoen’ and they played and sang along with that record a lot. One time my mother heard me singing it (I was quite young) and she laughed at my translation –‘My Dear Mister Shane.’ I have always loved music and signing – I just never heard the proper lyrics though. Does anyone else do this?

T
he other day on ‘The Doctors,’ they talked about feet. I learn a lot from that show, but I don’t want to become a hypochondriac. However, I began to wonder if the problems I observe with my feet – swelling, sometimes hot or cold, redness or blueness – could be from a problem other than MS. I suppose the ‘intelligent’ thing to do would be to see my PCP, but I hate going there. They’re very pleasant, but they do not have an accessible entrance – can you believe it? The walk from the waiting room (which I also hate due to all the coughing and sneezing) is long and I get so tired from all the hallways. Then I can’t just sit down when I get there – first the scale (and I swear it’s not calibrated – my own at home is always a lot lower,) then the blood pressure (which one nurse always does three times!) then the endless questions to update the chart. Leave. Me. Alone. So I don’t always relish a visit there.

Finally in my thought bank – I’ve decided against a Rollator. This inner debate has raged for several months. I dislike the ugly gray walker, and wanted to get a spiffy blue rolling one. But I’m afraid it might not be the best choice because I have a tendency to really lean my weight on it, and I think the rolling one won’t be as supportive. As my legs and feet decline, I’m leaning more towards waiting to see if (more like when) I’ll need an electric wheelchair, and going with a glam model. We’ll see.

That’s all the drivel I have for now, but by emptying the space, I’ll have room for more! I need to make a list of writing topics and story starters so I have something to work with here. Just writing in an impromptu manner with whatever pops into my mind really isn’t writing!

[I think my ‘n’ key is stuck here – I keep having to check if it shows up.]

Peace,
Muff

Ghosts

2011-04-06T10:50:00.003-04:00

I think I’m haunted. At least my house is haunted. I can hear some readers humming eerie music, circling their fingers at their temples, and rolling their eyes. But bear with me – and keep an open mind for a minute.

My mother always said there were no such things as ghosts, and Daddy half-heartedly agreed. (I think he was a believer, too, but wanted to appease Mommy.) It didn’t matter; I knew the truth – Ghosts Do Exist. As a child, I knew they were around – not really evil, sometimes playful, other times mischievous – just always lurking somewhere. They would create sounds in a quiet house, make fleeting diaphanous movements, and move objects. No amount of reassurance could convince me otherwise. I remember one night actually seeing myself as I encountered one. I was sixteen, alone, and brushing my hair in a mirror. I heard the steps creak, and I knew someone was there. In the mirror, I saw my face turn crimson then blanch. My bedroom door was ajar, and I could see to the staircase. Nothing was there, but I was still convinced I was in the presence of a spirit. I couldn’t shake the feeling, and I stood there transfixed until I no longer heard any noise.

Another time at the shore, I went into the bathroom in the middle of the night and I saw the shower curtain move. I screamed and the whole household came running. I was quite shaken and no amount of proof would convince me that a specter wasn’t moving that curtain. My sister mocked me for the entire summer – she never was, and never will be, a believer.

Several more occurrences during my younger years firmed up my strong belief in ghosts. However, I soon learned that they didn’t travel, and they just didn’t exist in some places. They definitely dwelled in my high school – a group of refurbished brown stones from the mid-1800s. Some said they were the spirits of girls who had died during their time at the school; others thought they were deceased nuns. Whatever, I knew they were there, and I saw the fleeting shadows and heard the sounds and voices.

I’ve known of some existing here in this house, though they’re very subtle. But there was one in the school where I was principal. I heard stories of a child who was killed in the ‘20s, and of former teachers – I trusted the stories, but believed it was the former. This one was an imp! I’d be working late some evenings, or waiting to attend a meeting, and I’d hear it – not sure if it was male or female – moving around. The gate at the bottom of the back stairwell would scrape. I’d hear footsteps on the steps behind my office. Doors would creak open, and lights would go on. After the initial fright, I became accustomed to its comings and goings. I asked my secretary about it and she gave me one of those looks – she was not a believer. But others were and they filled me tales. I will say this – that spirit was obedient. If I was busy writing and the noises began, I’d say aloud, “Stop it. I’m too busy for your nonsense.” The sounds would cease. Now many non-believers tried to assure me that it was the ancient heating system, or the old building settling. I know different – it definitely was a ghost. I think it must be lonesome now – no mortals inhabit the place anymore.

Sorry if you don’t believe – you’ll just have to humor me. I’m alone here today, and already the movements have occurred, so I know I’m right!

Peace,
Muff

Tuesday's Thoughts (Random)

2011-04-05T10:39:00.004-04:00

As beautiful a spring day as yesterday was – sunny, light breeze, high 70s – today is dreary – clouds, rain, winds, 50s. Thus is our April weather anymore. I totally forgot that April is National Poetry Month – and it’s the 5th already! Last year I ran a poem every day, but I don’t feel like typing them this year. I do have tons of poems in many books, but the extra energy involved in adding them here is absent this year.

Speaking of an energy dearth, I definitely am experiencing it today. It took me over twenty minutes to get out of bed – and that’s unusual. I couldn’t get my legs or my arms to cooperate – they were just a mass of spasticity. I had to hobble around because my feet and legs were so weak. Then, I had a difficult time with balancing myself in the shower – scary. It then took forever to get dressed and I was so wobbly on the stairs. Hubby was waiting for me at the bottom, wondering what I was doing. He knows by now what ‘bad days’ look like, so he just helped me to the kitchen without comment. I plan to just set my arse here on the ‘puter, or in front of the TV, or in the reading chair – I ain’t doing nuthin’ today but takin’ it easy. Ok I’ll visit my mother, but that’s it – no work – I’m on strike for the day.

I got a scare when our refrigerator stopped being cold yesterday. Oh, please, dear Lord, we just cannot afford a new one. The one we have is so nice and not old, and I just wanted it to last. We used to keep an extra fridge in the basement for when we had parties, but it was an oldie and we had to get rid of it. No more parties anyway. Fortunately, Hubby got an appliance repair contract for all our appliances, and for a flat yearly sum, they come out and repair everything. Earlier this year, they fixed the noisy drier, and now they were able to adjust the refrigerator. Something to do with the auto defrost, and it took less than an hour! So I have that appliance back without breaking the bank.

I really want/need a new computer. This one was great when I got it the fall of ’06, but now it’s old. I’m very careful of it so it will last a bit longer, but I know I need a new one. I’m so not accustomed to having to scrimp and save for everything, but when disability took over my life, that’s the new normal. I look at ads for computers, but I know I’d want my son to make the decision in the end. He knows way more than I about what I need.

My old school chum set up a luncheon date for May at a restaurant close to me. It’s a month away, and a lot could happen by then, but it’ll be nice to see old friends. I haven’t gone into full panic mode, so maybe I’m growing.

I had really weird dreams last night, and I’m not sure why – no odd TV watching, no different foods, no drinking of adult beverages. I always dream, and I always remember the dreams, but this time they were weird. That could have added to my lethargic start today – I probably expended much energy in Dreamland.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today. Sorry. I’ll be feeling more energetic by tomorrow and I’ll have more to write.

Peace,
Muff

Mad Monday!

2011-04-04T10:37:00.004-04:00

Some things just irk me, and while not exactly pet peeves, I feel better when I air them.

1. I had planned to make an angel food cake for my son’s birthday yesterday. So on Saturday evening I had Hubby crack the dozen eggs I needed. I showed him how to separate the whites (which I needed) and put the yolks in a small bowl and use them later for his omelets. He only ‘squished’ two, so it seemed successful. I whipped them up on the stand mixer, and folded in the other ingredients. While it baked I went on the computer, and when the buzzer sounded, I called Hubby to remove the pan from the oven. He misunderstood and tried to take the beautiful cake out of the pan. It totally deflated. I had to buy one from the bakery yesterday. Grrrrrrrrrr….
2. While in the bakery at the very crowded and busy supermarket, I was riding my scooter behind a rather obese man and his slightly smaller wife. They took up the entire aisle and just kept stopping to talk. I couldn’t get round them, and they were oblivious to my “Excuse me” as they kept on stopping. Grrrrrrrr…
3. I was standing at the stove cooking my pasta and seafood for the birthday dinner and my legs kept acting up. They were tired, but I can’t reach the stove if I sit. I tried taking little breaks, but they kept getting weaker. Once I had finished everything I sat and allowed others to take over. Why do those stupid legs have to be so ornery? Grrrrr….
4. My mother had two bruises on her face last week – one above her left eyebrow, and one below the right side of her lower lip. I asked two different nurses what caused them, and neither one got back to me – they just disappeared. So, today I’ll have to play the role of witch (with a b) and stir up some action. I hate to have to do it, but it seems that only the squeaky wheel gets oiled at that place. Grrrrrrr…
5. This stupid weather keeps going back and forth between beautiful 70s (today) and mid-50s tomorrow and Wednesday. I can’t get my clothes together. I still need sweaters and jackets on cold days, and lightweight shirts on warmer ones. My closets and dresser are in a constant state of confusion. Grrrrrr…
6. Hubby and I watched the first installment of The Borgias last night. We like historical films, but we got much more. Does every movie have to include obligatory nudity and sex? Can’t they just suggest it, and allow the audience to use its imagination? I don’t think I’m a prude, but the violence and skin began to irk me. I’ll check out the next segment, then make a decision about watching the rest. Grrrrrrr…

Whew – now I feel better. Sorry for being such a grump, but getting it out of my system makes me feel so much better! Now I’m a happy camper again.

Oops… 7. Daughter just called and the little guy won’t be coming today. Daddy is home from work and he’s taking him. So I won’t get my little ray of sunshine. Grrrrr.

Peace,
Muff

Well, La-Di-Dah!

2011-04-02T10:36:00.005-04:00

My mother and my aunt used to say that when people would brag about their accomplishments. So, in order to avoid hearing it echo in my brain, I won’t boast about the fact that I made it through a hectic week and I’m not weak, anymore. Yay Me!! Last Sunday was rough, but I learned from my errors and tomorrow, I definitely will take the advice offered to me and ask for help.

Another brag coming… my kids really are wonderful. They would do anything I ask – but I have to learn to ask. Trying to hide the fact that I can’t handle something limits their ability to offer aid when needed. My oldest son seems to intuit when I’m overdoing or reaching the end of my tether. He just steps in, while never missing a beat of his conversation, and assists me. The younger boy, too, sees me struggling and unobtrusively moves in. It’s just hard for me – still – to admit I can’t do something and that I need help. Last Sunday, the older one just helped with serving and clean up; the younger one (the birthday boy) saw me struggling to cut my food, and just reached over and did it.

My daughter is just a little sweetie too. She always says, “What do you need me to do?” My usual response is, “Everything’s finished. Go, sit.” After reading the comments to my post I know that can’t be my answer anymore. So tomorrow, I’m making a fairly simple meal (other son’s b/day) and I’ll be sure to delegate when necessary. My daughter also told me that she organized an MS Walk for late spring – she’s calling her team “Muffie’s Mylenators!” Isn’t that neat?

Then there’s my husband – he already does so much, and he never hesitates when I ask for anything. I know this isn’t the kind of life he thought we’d be having when we got older, but he never complains. Tonight I’ll be getting him to break and separate a dozen eggs for my angel food cake, and he’ll do the job well. He’ll help with setting the table, and tomorrow he’ll prep the seafood for me to cook.

So, I really am very fortunate and I would much rather brag about them than bemoan the fact that I had to do a lot of work. This busy week is now behind me, and my thinking is clearer. By the way, my tomato basil soup went over well last night – I came home with an empty slow cooker, and a lot of compliments. The recipe is simple – just adjust for amounts needed -- I made a large crockpot batch.
~6 large cans tomato sauce [or use fresh pureed in season – a lot of
Work, though]
~1 large can diced tomatoes
~1 box [or fresh] vegetable stock
~ about a dozen fresh basil leaves [chiffonade and mince]
~ tbsp dried basil
~onion and garlic to taste
~salt and pepper [+ a sprinkling of hot pepper flakes]
~cream
Sauté garlic and onion in bottom of large pot. Add the tomato sauce and bring to a boil. Add the diced tomatoes and vegetable stock, plus the fresh and dried basil. Stir in salt and peppers. Bring to boil and reduce to simmer. I leave it slowly simmering for an hour or two – stirring occasionally. At the end, add cream, milk, or half and half to thicken it. Serve with seasoned croutons and that’s it. Easy peasy!

I’m ready for the week to come now, and I’m in a much better frame of mind. Well, La-di-dah!

Peace,
Muff

Promises, Promises!

2011-04-01T10:57:00.004-04:00

I do solemnly swear that I will be back to blogging, reading others’ blogs, commenting on said blogs, and escaping from a whirlwind week!! Thanks to all who stayed with me and stopped by to say, “Hey!” I’ve missed being here in the Blog World, but life has a way of stepping in and making demands. Right now, Hubby is at the store, purchasing ingredients for my Tomato Basil Soup, which I will begin making shortly. We have our Soup Night at church this evening, and that’s my go-to soup for this event. Last year I made Vegetarian Minestrone, and everyone liked it, but they requested the Tomato this year. It’s fairly easy, but I have small windows of opportunity today.

See you tomorrow on my day of rest. And…. Happy April Fools Day!!

Peace,
Muff

It's My Own Dang Fault!

2011-03-30T10:29:00.004-04:00

When I was well, I was super organized – to the point of being annoying I’m sure! I was a list creator, and planner, and always had contingency ideas in place. If such and such, then move to Plan B or C – I could list the whole gamut of alphabetical plans. This kind of organization served me well – at home and on the job. Fortunately, I’ve been able to salvage some of that personality trait as I continue to decline with MS. But the unfortunate part is that I continue to be the ‘go-to gal’ when people need answers – and sometimes, I’m just too tired to figure things out. I never wanted to end my reign as super woman, but I no longer have the skills needed to be that person. Lately, I see it more and more, but I also notice that those around me can’t seem to pick up my slack – and that, my friends, is my fault!

In the beginning of the realization that I had MS, I used to be the kind of PITA person who repeated sayings such as, “I have MS, but it doesn’t have me,” or “MS is just a lousy two-letter term, and I can beat it!” For a while, I had myself convinced, and to prove it, I kept up my usual pace, and I continued in my role of creator, organizer, planner, and completer. I never trained a successor! After nearly seven years, I need to pass that baton, but no one steps up to take it. It’s my own dang fault!

My friends seem to understand the fact that I can no longer be the person I was, nor can I do the things I could do, but my own family seems blind to those facts. I know it’s hard for them – seeing such changes in the Mom they knew, trying to grasp the fact that I’m just not able to do what I once could. I played along for a while, and I, no doubt, encouraged them to let me be. So, what do I do now?

These past few days demonstrated for me that I really need to let go. We celebrated my younger son’s birthday this past Sunday. Despite the fact that his birthday fell on the 24th, we always celebrate family birthdays on the nearest Sunday. His dinner request was sausage lasagna, which used to be easy peasy, but now is energy sapping. I decided to make a separate, healthier lasagna with veggies for vegetarian daughter, baby, and myself. Knowing that it requires time and strength, I started it Saturday evening, and Hubby helped me with cutting and slicing – I try to avoid knives! I tightly wrapped both baking dishes and stored for final cooking. My son wanted a decorated bakery cake, so we picked one up, and I had fresh salad greens also.

Daughter called to ask if she and the baby could stay overnight on Sunday so she could attend an office meeting Sunday night, and wouldn’t have to drive back on Monday when she works. That meant freshening up one of the guest rooms, getting the crib ready, and having the baby monitors on standby. Then the birthday boy, coming from the big city, missed his train, making dinner late. SIL needed to get home to sleep before an early shift on Monday, and son needed a ride home. Hubby tried to help with cleanup, and by 9:00 P.M. I was exhausted. I know I show it, and I definitely say it, but the kids don’t seem to hear me saying, “Mom is getting too weak to do this.” We watched baby on Monday and Tuesday, adding to the fatigue; I have a day to ME today, tomorrow is a long day of baby watching, Friday is our church’s sacrificial soup night, and I have to make veggie tomato basil soup for that. This Sunday is the older son’s birthday and I start all over. I’ll have three weeks then until Easter, which I want to keep on a smaller scale.

So, while I enjoy these family get-togethers, and my kids really are very giving and helpful, I just don’t want to throw in the towel and say I can no longer do it. Not yet, anyway! So I’ll have to suffer the consequences – being totally exhausted whenever I try to do the things I used to do. And – it’s just my own dang fault!!

Peace,
Muff

I'll Be Back!

2011-03-28T09:45:00.003-04:00

We have the baby several days this week, so my time blogging will be limited. I’ll write when I can, and I’ll try to read everyone else’s bogs. See you soon.

Peace,
Muff

New Season, New Plans

2011-03-26T10:40:00.005-04:00

It’s supposed to be spring in these parts – BUT it’s only in the 30s this morning! The sky is a brilliant blue, and the sun is shining; unfortunately, the air is freezing. I so wanted an early start to spring, but it wasn’t to be. We had a sneak preview last week, when the thermometer soared to a balmy 75, but it was just a teaser. Many flowers have bloomed despite the chill – daffodils and crocuses are waving their bright heads, and many bushes around here are sporting buds. The three magnolias on our street are showing signs of rebirth, and little sections of the lawn are turning bright green. The plant world seems to want to come alive, but that stern taskmaster, Mother Nature, is telling the blossoms to slow down. Nevertheless, I, too, am feeling the need to come alive again, and I’m straining at the reins to be let loose in the warmth and beauty.

I usually begin the process of cleaning and storing all my winter apparel around this time, but I still need the sweaters and coats if I go outside, so that chore hasn’t been done. I like to throw open windows and get the fresh breeze to banish the winter staleness, but I still have the winter windows in place to ward off the chill. I already informed Hubby that once the warmer air arrives, we’re taking on spring cleaning – that met with a slight frown. I assured him that he’ll feel so much better when “we” finish it all and can relax. He’s not buying it, so I have to be a bit more persuasive. I know he’s thinking about all the golf he’ll have to forego, but there’s no escaping the need to refresh the house. He hates windows, and we have a lot, but what’s more beautiful than a shiny clean pane of glass with a stream of sunlight pouring in? We also have to move furniture out of the rooms, steam clean wall-to-wall carpeting and clean/turn the area rugs. Scrubbing the paints and dusting the walls takes a bit of time, but isn’t it worth it when we’re finished? Finally, we can work outside once the inside is finished – and the gardens will get their sprucing up.

I suppose you noticed my liberal use of the first person plural here? True, I cannot help with most of these chores, but I can do small things and try to feel useful. I can polish glassware or silver (sounds so hooty tooty, but I inherited them and I like them look nice!) I can also plan new designs and decorating schemes. I just finished the powder room, going very slowly, and taking a bit more time than I wanted. But now I have a lemon wreath, lemon photos and artwork, and splashes of yellow in accessories. (I spend so much time there, I might as well have it look attractive!) I’m also pulling out my spring décor – wooden birdhouses, a birds’ nest wreath, vases to hold spring blooms, and bright colors.

Soon, this room where I sit and write will be surrounded by the colors and sounds of spring – I have two walls of windows – but right now, I’m not seeing it. The dogwood has few, if any, buds; the maple is still bare, the rock garden that borders the front porch is still brown and barren, and birds haven’t found their way here yet. So, my planning gets a few more days to work on schemes, and make up lists. By Easter, which is a bit late this year, everything should be looking better, and by mid-May, we’ll be fully into spring and watching the short-lived blooms vanish. I’ll take some photos again, but for now I’m still waiting. One other added bonus – I feel so much better physically when spring arrives – no more winter-chilled bones, no dragging under the weight of heavy clothing, and no swooning in oppressive heat. Come on spring!!

Peace,
Muff

Fun with my Furry Friend

2011-03-25T10:50:00.010-04:00

I’m a firm believer in the healing power of animals. Somehow, they can make you forget your troubles when you’re with them. For the past two weeks, we’ve had beautiful Kasey staying with us. He’s a three-year-old Golden Retriever, who we bought for my son when he was a puppy. (the dog, not the son – must pay heed to my modifiers!) Our neighbors decided to breed their two Goldens, and we got a member of the first litter. He resembles both parents – the dad for the bark, and the mom for the blonde fur color, and the way she loves to dig (Hubby hates that last genetic donation!) When my son moved to the big city with some of his friends, Kasey joined him, and we were left ‘puppyless.’ Fortunately, he brings him here whenever he goes out of town, and this time we kept him a little longer.

...on guard duty!

He’s such a good dog, and like that breed, he believes he exists mainly to please. He’s in constant tail-wagging mode, and loves to cuddle. He allows me to slip my cold feet under his warm, furry body to heat them, and he waits patiently for me to catch up to him. He also never turns down an offer of treats, so we have to provide him with plenty of exercise. I realize he’s an animal, but I get such great comfort from him, I often have the urge to anthropomorphize.

Following 'Mom'

Every morning he waits either outside my bedroom door, or at the bottom of the stairs. He follows (or more often leads) me and the walker into the kitchen and Hubby. He sits next to me while I eat breakfast, and knows that I’ll give him a little tidbit. During the day, he stays close – next to my chair at the computer, on the sofa next to me when I read or watch TV, of course under my chair during meals – he spots the clumsy ones quickly, and up the stairs at bedtime. Kasey loves car rides, but his normal position in the back seat has been usurped by the baby’s car seat. It took a fretful first trip, but now he understands he can see just as well on either side of the deposer. When he goes with us to visit my mother, the staff spoils him with hugs and treats.

exhibiting his naughtiness...

The baby, on the other hand, took a little getting used to. He couldn’t figure out this little squirmy bundle who let out piercing wails periodically. Kasey also exhibited his first signs of jealousy when he saw people making a fuss over the baby. Slowly, he began to accept the baby’s presence, and in typical Golden fashion, tried to befriend him. The two ‘boys’ interchange their playthings from time to time, so we’re constantly washing toys, but it’s a relief to see them getting along. Little Will is now walking, and Kasey needs to beat a hasty retreat whenever the toddler has that mischievous gleam on his face. But Kasey never growled or snapped, even if the baby tried to grab some fur. Whenever the two were together during these past two weeks, I worked hard to initiate a friendship between them. I’d love to see the two of them playing together when the baby gets a little older.

Of course, Kasey isn’t a ‘perfect’ angel, either. As a pup, he loved chewing shoes, but he outgrew that. As I mentioned, he also digs – when he was a pup, he had ‘constructed’ a whole village in the yard – hills, valleys, and bridges made of twigs! Hubby corrects him each time he begins a new hole – we put too much into the sod back there, and we don’t appreciate Kasey’s excavation sites! One of the biggest habits which he never outgrew is eating paper – especially Kleenex, paper towels, and napkins. He roots in the wastebaskets to find these treasures, then shreds them all over. I guess I could try to train him otherwise, but if that’s his worst trait, I’ll just consider myself exceptionally fortunate.

I think he’ll be returning to the city on Sunday, but I’ve treasured this time with my furry little pal!

Peace,
Muff