There are many alphabetical posts going on this year, and with writers’ cramp overtaking me at times, I’m jumping on that bandwagon. Since I post a fragments post on Fridays, and I usually do not post on Sundays, this could take me into March. But I’d prefer to use this crutch, rather than not writing, which I believe helps me in so many ways. I also get a kick out of my little guy as he learns his ABCs. In his little play school, he’s now up to the letter K, and he learns about words that begin with the letter of the week. Be assured, there will be no Show-and-Tell on this blog, just writings about things that start with that letter. (At times, there may be more than one!)
As I begin in the beginning, the first subject will start with the letter A.
As much as I try to keep myself calm, I often get anxious. Yes, yoga and meditation do help, but when life events get heavy, I can physically feel myself getting apprehensive. I think that MS alone brings on that uneasiness, but all the baggage that accompanies the disease can add to the disquiet.
For me, I can get worked up anymore over the least disturbance. On a physical level, I was becoming a hypochondriac! If I saw a patch of dry skin, I immediately thought it was skin cancer. When I got a few headaches, I assumed I had a brain tumor. Medical shows on TV, or magazine articles filled me with dread that I would be a victim of the various illnesses. Where did that come from? I was never that way before. Then again, I thought I was invincible, and when MS struck, I really thought it had the wrong person. So I see the disease itself as the cause of many of my panic attacks.
Then there are the issues that arise from the effects of the disease. I can no longer work, so that income vanished. With its disappearance came the worry of not having enough financial resources to stay afloat. Hell, not even afloat, just paddling! Yes, I’m fortunate in that I have a roof over my head, but I could easily lose that. There’s food on the table, but I have to keep scrimping and finding ways to cut back. I have clothes on my back and a car in the driveway, but all are aging, and I’m not sure how they’ll be replaced.
When the anxiety begins, I feel it in my neck and then down my spine. Yes, it’s an actual physical sensation. I know that I’ll soon be breathing differently, and my head may start to throb. I’ll want to cry, but I normally don’t. I’ll try to go through some calming exercises, and at times, it works. At other times, I’m just too tense and stressed, and no amount of techniques will alleviate the fear and concern. I would also say that I enter this gloomy world at least once a day. Some days, I let it overwhelm me. However, on the days when I try to postpone its inevitability, I can play Scarlett O’Hara and convince myself to hold the feeling in abeyance until another time. It’s a hell of a way to live, eh?
Not all my alphabetical posts will be such downers, it’s just where I am right now. Now, I’m off to do some yoga. Namaste!